Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I don't have two DC so I don't get it at all, but I have been listening to The Let Them Theory recently which has a comparison between the two daughters of the author - one sounds like your DD2 and the other sounds like your DD1. Might be worth a read to help your DD1.

It was the other way round for us. My brother is older than me and I overtook him all the time, and for various reasons we finished up in the same year at secondary school - he had to go down a year and I was pushed on a year.

I was aware of how this might impact on him. It may be that your DD2 might respond reasonably to having it explained to her that X is DD1's thing and she has her own things.

Whatever, you and your OH need to get on the same page with this.

It is hard I know.

It seems unfair to punish dd2 like this!

I think your time and effort would be better spent helping dd1 focus less on competition with her sister, rather than limiting one of your two dc to let the jealous sibling "win".

You should be treating your dc equally, favouring dd1 is only going to cause problems in your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

Dd1 will not be any better or worse at ice skating because her sister is or isn't allowed to try it. Her progress is entirely separate.

if dd2 already does lots of activities then I would say no because it wouldn’t be fair for her to do even more. Ice skating is an expensive one to add as well.

if she wants to give something up to replace ice skating with then I would try and see if there is something similar but different - eg artistic rollerskating, gymnastics/dance, ice hockey

I don't think that follows. DD1 might be hurt if DD2 related that conversation to her.

We have to make decisions on behalf of our children all the time and it's not always best to tell them why. For example, would you tell your eight-year-old that the reason you won't let her sleep at a particular friend's house is because you're pretty sure her parents are alcoholics? Or that the reason you chose school B for your children instead of the nearer school, A, is because the headteacher of school A is your ex and things didn't end amicably?

Have you talked to your DD1 about being a “late bloomer”? All the stuff that stands out at school isn’t all there is.

We don’t always find what we’re good at in primary school. We might not even be good at something at primary school but there’s a level of interest that drives us to keep pushing with it until one day, that’s our most special skill - interpersonal skills or managerial skills or public speaking.

The poor thing, feeling she’s in her sisters shadow. But does she feel the same about whoever is in the top of her class at school? If she’s average, someone must always be better than her.

I’d try and help DD1 somehow without making it DD2’s problem, if possible.

I agree with you. I have two really sporty children who are literally brilliant at every sport they try and one child who struggles physically. She has one activity she likes and I won’t let either of the other two do it. Mainly because I know they would be brilliant at it straight away and this activity is an important source of confidence for my DD.

And the other two are great at other stuff anyway. So I just keep it as DDs thing.

We coddle kids far too much.
They're not stupid.
She can say to dd2 ",you'd be likely to catch up dd1 in this activity which would discourage her."
Unless ice skating is literally dd2's life dream, she will understand the need to step back and not overtake dd1 in every area.

Happiness comes with being considerate, especially when you're generally gifted - it's an important skill to develop. In life as well, generally taking the limelight everywhere just because you can will be counterproductive. It sounds like she values the friendship with dd1. Time for her to become aware of the way dd1 perceives things.

Lying will only cause resentment. Asking dd2 to hold back will only work if OP is brutally honest about why. It's a genuinely good reason dd2 should be able to understand. Obviously it can't be for everything. Just this one area...

Let dd1 keep this hobby as her own.

I think you will regret it if you don’t as dd1 would use it as ANOTHER example of being ‘no good’ and psychologically that could tip her over the edge.

Being taller is surely a disadvantage for ice skating ⛸️

I think as long as it is framed in terms of already having enough hobbies and not having enough time for another activity as well as gently reminding her that it is her sister's special thing does not mean that she will feel overlooked for being too good. She won't even know that it is the OP's major concern. I think it is a good idea to limit activities in any case because the time factor alone can become overwhelming as well as the cost. Children need time to organise their own games, too, or simply to have time to relax in whichever way they like. Also, it is difficult to reach a really good standard in a hobby if there are too many of them. I am now going to express another view that might not be popular. While maintaining overall fairness, it is a good life lesson to experience a little inequality from time to time. I have three adult children and when they were growing up there were times when one child had something or was bought something or simply had the limelight on a particular occasion when the others did not and this was fine because they knew it would be their turn another time. I think parents of two children, especially with children who are very close in age, feel they have to treat them exactly the same at all times in order to be seen to be scrupulously fair. The problem is that real life is not always fair and this can lead to greater disappointments later on.

Without knowing what the hobby is. Its a difficult one. Supposing DD2 is totally brilliant at it and you prevent her from developing her talent?

Team DD2 here. DD1 will benefit long term from competing with her sister and it will teach her resilience. Unfortunately there are times when you can’t control whether someone is better than you at things and you have to learn to deal with it and just do the best you can.

DD2 shouldn’t have to miss out because she is good at stuff. DD1 will beat her at this anyway and has done it for a long time so she might enjoy kicking DD2s butt for a while.

If DD2 already has activities she does and they are the same amount or more than DD1, then she needs to be happy with what she has.

I see nothing wrong with letting DD1 have her "own thing", especially since she has been doing it since the age of three. I think DD2 is being a bit sneaky and manipulative. JMHO YMMV

Ah I have just read it’s ice skating, unless DD1 has been slow to take to it then she will be waaaaaaay better than DD2 if she has been doing it this long. Personally I would have loved to watch my sister crash and burn trying to keep up with me at something like that. We get on great now, and did (ish) then, but we were fiercely competitive.

Let her go, and let DD1 see she is better than her.

You are not taking away a hobby that DD2 enjoys, you are just not jumping on to her latest whim. She has other hobbies use those as a reason why she can’t do this one.

In the long term both DDs will benefit more from a better relationship with each other. At the moment this means shielding DD1 and supporting her to grow her confidence without competing with DD2. It might be nice to take both of them to a public session & DD1 can teach DD2 some of what she’s learnt.

I really disagree with this approach. There are always kids who are better and worse at things but life isn't a competition. Hobbies should be mainly for fun.

We have 2 sons and one is more academic and excels at sport. The other also does sport to a lower level - just for fun He's a massive people person and wants to be a primary teacher. I don't focus much I telling them what they are good at, but encouraging them to try their best. I would definitely not discourage a hobby they wanted to do unless it's a money/time issue.

So, she already has a sport. She doesn't need another one, unless she plans to give up the other. How many sports does DD1 do and is it the same as DD2? How many hobbies/clubs does each one do?

I have twins with a somewhat similar dynamic. It’s pretty devastating for a child to have everything they do bested by someone they see day in day out. It isn’t jealousy, it’s self esteem. I ensured they both had some different hobbies and wouldn’t let either of them push in to the other’s separate ones. Was also important for friendships. And the more space from each other they had out of the house, the better they got on together.

I have 2 dds 14 months apart. DD2 was better academically, at making friends, at most thing tbh and they did have similar interests. They got on really well together but they were well aware of who was doing better than the other. The best thing we ever did was send them to different high schools. It was a relief to my dd1 not to be constantly compared to her younger sister and get to shine - or not shine - in her own space. It doesn't actually build resilience to never be the best at something. Not being as academically bright or good at school as your younger sister isn't something you can talk out with her. It puts pressure on the younger one too - as they get older especially. They need some space to be separate.

You need to give your older daughter some space to be away from her younger sister. Ice skating isn't a requirement for an 8 year old. Encourage her to do something else instead. yeah your dd1 will be better than her if she does do it but she'll always be looking over her shoulder. Give her one space that is hers.

my girls are in their 20s now and are very close friends.

I'm joining all the members of the #EldestDaughtersClub to say that you need to let DD1 have something for herself.

Your DH is BU, and you need to talk this through with him - that DD1 needs something for herself where she doesn't get pushed into feeling envious or competitive with her younger sister. She may not actually be competitive, but the situation may make her feel so, IYSWIM.

My sister was born only 14 months after me, and was pretty sickly as a new-born. I immediately was pushed into second place. This was exacerbated by my mother's tendency to see herself in my sister "Oh yes your sister is like me."

It's a fact of life that the elder child is displaced by the next sibling/s, and we elder daughters have to learn to deal with that. Of course we do. But you and your DH don't need to make it worse.

If the younger already does multiple activities it wouldn't be a bad thing to sit her down and tell her its expensive as hell so she needs to choose another expensive hobby or 2 cheap ones to give up to try it.

She doesn't have to take it up as a hobby she can just go to the rink with friends for fun. It's very possible she could excel at it even doing that and would be unfair to stop her.

Also are there other things you could encourage towards? E.g. ice hockey for the ice part or gymnastics/dance?

For DD1 focus on building her confidence and find other things that bring her joy. I was the 'non-sporty' of 3 and I did well moving away from your typical ballet/football/rugby and went into martial arts instead when I got older and loved it.

And let me add: part of the pressure of being the eldest daughter (aside from the high expectations and people pleasing that eldest daughters tend to have to live up to) is that you KNOW that the others (I have 3 siblings) will always feel a wee bit resentful that you are the first. They'll see it as a privilege.

It sounds as though your DD2 is quite aware of this at some level, although at 8yo she can't articulate it. And that she is probably subconsciously comparing herself and competing with your DD1. It can be done subtly and it's then difficult for the elder sister to articulate her feelings without sounding jealous.

My younger sister was the first to have DC and when she told me she was pregnant, she added "And for once, I'm the first do something." I had never seen being the first as a privilege: it was more often a burden as I grew up. My family were hyper-vigilant about me achieving, but also not being bossy or above myself.

So I hope you & your DH can be sensitive to the possible complexities of feelings your DD1 might have about DD2. Give her a bit of space to have something that's hers.

If this had been me and I was DD1 the minute you allow DD2 into the activity I would have quit.

If your eldest has been doing it for 6 years, how likely is it that your youngest will catch up in a short time?

I think it seems really unfair to Daughter 2 to say she can’t do it because daughter 1 is jealous of her. While its shit to always have someone be better than you, it’s also a fact of life and you’re doing D1 no favours if you pander to her ego because someone will always be better than her at something and someone will always be better than D2 at something too. Denying one child the
roght to participate because the other might not be the best in the house is unrealistic and setting them both up for failure and/or destroyed relationship. D2 will soon learn we pander to D1s wants and needs because if she didn’t get made to feel special then everyone suffers.

D1 might be the best at this hobby anyway, Shes been doing it longer for a start - it seems really cruel to d2 to refuse her a chance to try it and teaches her if she always does well she doesn’t get rewarded. I was in a similar situation and I soon learned to dumb myself
down to make life easier for me. In the long run it didn’t do me any favours as golden child learned to believe he was truly gods gift and still does and takes every opportunity to put me down. He has no idea what I sacrificed as a child to appease his and my parents ego but instead of making him feel a bit more secure in himself he became a wee shite who still believes himself to be a superior being. Just be careful you’re not teaching D2 that there are negative consequences to doing well.