DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

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DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

He was totally out of order. You're making a lot of excuses for him but he caused this.

Probably has but also if the hospital did sometime that set my son back a few months (at least) I’d probably be pissed off too.

And, regardless of what complaint they’ve made; you are still able to put in a formal complaint on behalf of your son.

Gosh that sounds incredibly stressful op. I’m sorry you had the setback and understandable that both of you felt very triggered by it. It’s unacceptable that he behaved that way but it’s probably explained by the stress and trauma of your ds medical history.
I’ve no idea about the referral but I’m sure this can be explained due to the circumstancesz

Shouting and swearing at healthcare professionals whether you're one or not is never a great idea

Not had a similar situation but we did have a safe guarding referral when my child has lots of bruises in unusual places we couldn’t explain.

I was super stressed and worried what happens, basically they questioned us, asked what’s been happening, asked what we have done at the weekend, just general chitchat observing us as a family and how we interact.

After that they said they were happy there wasn’t any safe guarding issues and started looking more medically.

I would assume they will do the same and might want to speak to you separately to check for DV. Then an outcome might be your husband refers for some counselling etc. it could be a good idea for him to self refer now as a proactive approach

I agree I’m not sure why he did that. He told me he was just going to speak to them about it but got there and in his words ‘adrenaline’ kicked in

I agree with the first post. You cannot support what he's done. He'll know that the hospital never likes to ban a parent from entering the grounds, so hopefully it's a warning and they want reassurance that it won't happen again. He's dragged you into it, so you may get assessed. There's been cases lately of murder/suicide in families dealing with challenging disabilities, so it's on the radar. Your focus needs to be on your DS and if DH gets to be cut out of his care, because of his behaviour, then that's on him. I knew of one family who child had a CP in place because of the father's behaviour. It was so SS could take over care, if needed. You've got nothing to worry about, but take it seriously. What's he said about your MH?

Imagine being the doctor or nurse who has to be the punching bag for that father.

It's only fair that there be follow-up.

All medical procedures can fail or have side effects. As parents you must have been informed about that before the procedure.

If I am honest. I can understand him losing his rag. Especially if he's a doctor as he probably has very strong views on how things should be, standards of care etc. You also have had 4 years of worrying and stressing about DS.
So what he did was unacceptable but also he has probably never really dealt with the MH impact of the past few years.
So look, stay calm. Accept the fact that this referral is happening and maybe use this as a springboard to get some help for you all as a family and get some counselling and perhaps some other support too.
I am sorry this is so stressful. I hope you can get through this

Use it as an opportunity to think about what support you need. Some therapy for each of you separately for to process what you have each separately been through and it's impact on you - your anxiety, his anger. These are understandable emotions given the situation, but at the moment you are doing you best for your son while drowning.

Of course he made the whole situation worse by completely losing his temper, shouting, swearing and making threats.

Those are your words, so I'm surprised you need to ask?

I agree with posters saying that this is a good opportunity to seek support for you and DH as it sounds like both of you are struggling in different ways. You say that your whole lives revolve around your son and his medical appointments but you have two other children as well who need you both to be at your best, or the best you can be given the very difficult circumstances. It sounds like your DS is a real trooper!

Have either of you had any counselling?

You’ve both had a very stressful and worrying time but reading between the lines I wonder if this has become bigger than it should be in your lives? I know how all encompassing it can be but is there support the two of you can get to give you a different perspective? You talk a lot about your DS telling you to stop worrying when he’s a teen - do you think it’s something deep down you need to address now?

you mention other children - how do you manage family life?

it sounds like you’ve both been in a pressure cooker and he’s blown so showing the hospital you are both willing to engage with help could be a positive sign to them

Sounds like your family need this referral at this point, not because you are awful parents (you sound like good parents), but loosing his temper like that isn’t ok, and you are all clearly under a huge amount of stress and this referral is fair. Just be open and honest with them and it will be fine. It’s great that your son is doing so well, but there’s nothing wrong with him being disabled, it’s who he is. Maybe you need some support emotionally as a family to deal with what’s happened and what the future will look like.

Sorry you had to deal with that xx

They haven’t mentioned DV but we will see what they say. We are both willing to cooperate, we love our children so much and are just angry and very sad at what our eldest has to endure at such a young age. He has a disability yet most people would not be able to see that and it must be hard for him, he doesn’t know that the things we do in the morning aren’t just for fun.

DH was angry and decided to go act immaturely when I said we’d just put a complaint in. He told me he wanted to speak to them in person he didn’t think he’d get that angry but there’s nothing he can do about it now it’s happened.

I think the safeguarding referral might turn out to be a helpful thing. It sounds like you both need therapy and counselling around what has happened to your DS. As you say, everything now revolves around your DS and his treatment but that leaves you both anxious and stressed. In your DH case, that turns into lashing out at the professionals treating your DS. You both need to prioritise your own mental health in order to be there for your DS.

OP writes he has acted this way at other specialists before this incident.
As a doctor he should know better than shouting, swearing and threating staff multiple times.

Of course it will have consequences.

He shouted, swore and made threats. That behavior has obviously made the whole situation worse.
He has been under great pressure and stress but so have you. So have many people in the healthcare system.
Lashing out, being aggressive and threatening isn't an acceptable response and isn't a standard response either.
He should get himself some therapy and work through his emotions in a safe way. Rather than threaten and abuse others.

Why are you so angry about your son’s condition still? Struggling with parts of it makes sense but anger after years sounds intense. I think you all urgently need to deal with these emotions

Has he apologised, sincerely and without equivocation, to the members of staff he abused?

Eta that I was all ready to be very sympathetic until I saw that he was a doctor. As someone who has seen this behaviour from medics many times over the years, I am in no doubt that this is not a new behaviour. He needs to get help with his temper for everyone's sake.

He flipped, under a great deal of stress, and presumably the safeguarding referral is because they are concerned that this indicates that he is not coping with the situation, and either he may need some support, or the family as a whole need some support. They'll want to check things out to make sure that his flipping was the worst point, not his regular behaviour, and maybe there will be some help that can be offered.

There isn’t “nothing you can do about it” now. Your dh needs to reflect on his behavior and make a plan to demonstrate that he takes seriously the fact that he lost his temper, threatened and intimidated the people trying to help care for your son, and plunged the whole family into turmoil.

I am not denying things are difficult and that you both are working hard for your child but ok! He had a stroke snd has some deficits as a result. He isn’t damaged goods or list permanently. He is just a little boy who will need to find some workarounds to do what he wants and live well.

My sister died of a brain tumour at age six. My niece died of a brain bleed at age nine.

Your child is here and learning and growing. You and your dh need to get some therapy to gain perspective and handle the emotions that this is stirring up—you self pity and him anger.

Is he usually like this?
Honestly op?

If yes then you need to consider whether he is a safe person around your children, it’s terrifying having an unpredictable, volatile parent losing it.

If not, then I would be very worried the pressure has become too much with his job and everything happening at home. He needs to be signed off, and to go to the GP, he urgently needs support and intervention.

I agree but I don’t think they’re cutting him out of our sons care as he was there with him on Friday and I wasn’t there. This was after he’d already shouted at the staff so I’m not sure when they’re cutting him off. I think they’d tell us by now bit we will have to wait and see about that. DH does more in regards to the appointments and would have probably noticed the Botox issue if he went. He just couldn’t that day so it had to be me.

I would rather I get banned from the hospital…. The hospital has messed up, yes my husband shouldn’t have behaved that way but they have messed up. He wouldn’t have behaved that way if they hadn’t messed up. They’ve also made things worse by apologising even before an official complaint has been made. I understand mistakes happen but also this is our son like any other parent we are worried. Luckily his parents are able to pay for us to take our son to a different specialist asap to have another opinion.

He just said it’s been affecting my mental health, I’m sad and unhappy because I worry about our sons progress and this has made it worse.

Presumably also to prevent further abuse of staff.

Staff shouldn't be abused like this by parents - it's serious and it takes resources that could be better used in NHS.