DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

[ForAvidTraybake]

DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

It sounds like an inappropriate safeguarding referral to me, and I'm a social worker. It seems like a retaliation rather than a genuine concern for you or your DC. I'd back DH up on this, have a united front and follow through on the complaint. I'm not saying he didn't over react or behave appallingly, but it appears that the person making the safeguarding referral has also acted appallingly. They can't shout and swear back so they stick the boot in with a safeguarding referral.

I get being upset about the limitations your child has. I think what people are saying is that still being angry about it isn’t serving you well. Your child is still your child, he may have a disability, it may be that your hopes and dreams for him may need to look a bit different but he can have a happy, fulfilled life.

Being angry won’t change anything, but it does leave you both running on adrenaline however that manifests, in temper or tears. That’s now spilling over onto staff who are trying to help, and resulting in a safeguarding referral. Letting go of anger isn’t about saying it doesn’t matter, or that it’s ok - it’s about accepting the realities that you’re living with, giving yourself some grace and setting aside constant worry. I’m not saying that’s an easy process but it is an important one let anger turn to bitterness.

She agreed with you.

Yes

If there has been negligence or incompetence his reaction is understandable if not defensible.

However those suggesting that the medical staff are entirely benign and faultless are staggeringly naive. It is possible that
mistakes were made in which case a defensive referral to social services and seeking to disguise the fault are entirely consistent with what has been seen in the Nottingham situation - see recent report and thread on here about what happened to unhappy maternity patients.

I think the family will be okay. There’s no safeguarding issue our children are very happy, on their report after the appointment they even put how happy and engaged our son is, they’ve never had any issues every appointment he always gets such lovely feedback. They have to do it as procedure at least that’s what they told me we will just have to see what they say. We aren’t interested in arguing at least I’m not.

If he hasn’t acted that way none of this would happen. The hospital messed up due to sheer incompetence and negligence, enough for my husband to notice it as soon as he saw our son. I’m not blaming individual people but I am upset. These appointments aren’t easy for a 3 year old he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

Your husband was clearly out of order. No matter what, hospital staff don't deserve abuse when they are simply trying to do their jobs.

Your husband needs to be prepared to grovel and not make excuses to attempt to justify his bad behaviour. The relationship between a hospital and parents is so important when you have a child with additional needs.

I doubt anything will come from the safeguarding referral but they have a duty of care and as a doctor, he should know what the process is when it comes to verbally abusing staff.

See a good lawyer now. Try to find out who helped the Nottingham parents. Hospitals move quickly to deflect blame.

I can see why he was emotional. Yes things can fail or not work as expected, but people also make mistakes and can be negligent.

While not ideal and I see how volatile behaviour might be threatening, I also don't actually agree that someone raising their voice or using bad language in those circumstances is particularly terrible. Of course staff aren't there to be abused, but witnessing someone upset as a result of trusting you with something that you got wrong isn't something every employee should be shielded from at all costs.

Your child might behave in an objectional way when in pain and he's still a patient. Parents and loved ones of those in hospital need reassurance and caring too.

Obviously I didn't hear the conversation, but if there were blanket defensive comments, lengths gone to avoid blame, insinuations that he didn't understand sufficiently or an apology that he 'felt' that way (as there often are in these cases) I can totally understand his behaviour.

OP, the pp was criticising you for still being angry, they were trying to make the point that it is (to an extent) futile and the anger shouldn’t still be significantly affecting you after so many years. Counselling might be a good idea to help you process the anger and to navigate future difficulties too.

As for your husband, I think you’re seriously downplaying it. Hospitals (ime) accept far more abuse than they should without making safeguarding referrals so it must have been really bad. Your son’s difficulties and even medical negligence don’t justify threatening people.

They’ve also made things worse by apologising even before an official complaint has been made.

As a doctor who is complaints lead, this is absolutely not making things worse, this is expected professional behaviour - being honest when something has gone wrong, even if no-one is at fault and apologising. Professionally, the staff would be in more trouble if they hadn't acted as they did.

She spends most time making excuses for
her husband's actions.

It sounds to me that the safeguarding referral was made from concern for two parents on the brink - if you can use this to get support then that would help all of you

I agree

I am not happy with how he has gone about things but sadly we cannot go back in time. He’s apologised, he will have to see in regards to his GMC but this is his first ‘offence’ in the 25 years he’s been a doctor. I think he should be fine. There’s doctors who have done far far worse and are still practicing medicine.

We are human. I’ve lost my temper before in situations I shouldn’t have. Saying people make mistakes isn’t me saying what he did was right it’s me just saying people make mistakes.

Is this medical negligence from the hospital with your son? Are you going to put a claim in? Is that why your husband behaved so poorly and abused the staff?

This 💯

Im guessing he is a high performing doctor who is used to a certain way of doing things. And the last thing he expected was a child with a disability. And its all built up to the point that one missed thing has made him explode.

This.

I don’t think so. You have parents who are clearly under pressure with their disabled child. This wasn’t a parent caught off guard by sudden bad news, he purposely went back to the hospital to speak to staff outside of their treatment time, and shouted and threatened them. I’d take the behaviour as an indication they were past their ability to cope. They have 3 young children, I’d want to look at supports to relieve the pressure, if he’s behaving that way in public, what might be happening at home.

Your husband treated them badly and he may get banned from the hospital. Happened to a client of mine as she was abusive to a few doctors and nurses in the same department. They’d all logged a complaint and she was banned after an investigation. Complaining through the right channels would have been better. Do you think he is stressed and struggles with his anger? Perhaps he could do with private counselling?

I am glad your son has recovered so well. I am surprised that you describe his disability as hidden given he needs daily disability, and the Botox?

Are you expecting that his disability will disappear, or be significantly reduced as he gets older? Or has that been suggested to you? It surprises me if this is the case.

Your DH’s behaviour was appalling regardless. I do wonder if you both are struggling with accepting your DC’s disability, and focusing instead on when he’ll be “ normal” . It can happen in my experience.

Your DH was of course wrong to shout and I'm glad he has apologized - but tbh you both sound burnt out, or close to it?

Having 3 under 4 is hard work even without the added complications, workload, stress and possible PTSD following your son's stroke.

You say your whole lives revolve round his needs, but you also both work - your DH presumably in quite a stressful job as a Dr? You don't say what you do.

When you're already stressed and burnt out of course something like this that feels like a setback and error is going to feel huge.

I think it's imperative you look at ways you can reduce your stress and mental load as parents. Could either or both of you afford to take leave from work, get some respite, etc?

OP I’m so sorry you and your family are coping with this, it’s a hard and lonely place to be. BUT Your DH should not have acted like that and being angry at the universe is no justification. Anger is a negative, pointless, destructive reaction, a mask for genuine emotions such as fear and sadness. You both need emotional/psychological help with your situation so you can support each other and your children. Don’t delay in seeking this help.

Imagine if it was the exact same story and OP was a Doctor and had lost her temper. She would be getting a lot of support for getting angry and advocating for her child and many more would be inclined to believe there was some degree of medical negligence involved. Once more the anti male MN bias is showing.

What exactly did he threaten, and who was it directed towards? PP are correct in that this could draw the attention of a regulator. A squeaky clean history doesn't mean a thing depending on the seriousness of the allegations.

I don’t see why everyone here is so quick to say the safeguarding referral is for show or retaliation. An out if control father abusing staff and perhaps using his status as a professional to abuse and threaten them is a huge red flag. The staff don’t know if he is taking his rage out on you and the other children.