DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

[ForAvidTraybake]

DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

They hurt his son out of negligence and incompetence and failed to even notice. Should he have lost his rag? No. But honestly the care under the NHS is criminal most of the time. It’s understandable he got upset.

I think what the previous poster may have been trying to say, is that whilst it’s very normal to feel sad that your son and family has to deal with the extra considerations and worries of his disability, it’s perhaps a little unusual to still be feeling anger. It sounds from what you’ve said that his disabilities are limited, given you say no one would notice, so to still feel anger is maybe extreme.

As a fellow mum of three, I’m also wondering why you put so much on your plate. 3 kids is hard! Let alone all under 4 with a disability in the mix. It’s your family so I’m not passing judgement, simply recognising that you must have a lot on your plate and perhaps could have relieved some of the pressure by spreading them out more.

Having said all that, any parent with a child with disabilities or health conditions will understand the feelings of frustration and anger towards mispractice. One of mine had a health condition affecting his younger years (luckily resolved) and it was a very frustrating time due to the lack of care we received. I’m glad on the whole your son receives good care.

Your husband needs to manage his temper though. Shouting at people is never ok. An angry email, fine. But confronting someone who simply messed up just isn’t right. Although I guess we’re all human and I’m sure your husband forgives those patients who also shout at him..

Hey @ForAvidTraybake my friends son has bitix for muscle tightness although the cause is very different. So I do get the stress it causes when it doesn't go to plan.

Whilst I agree the way your dh has handled it is horrific, it also stings a little of the hospital doubling down if they have made mistakes and getting in first so any action you now take looks like tit for tat.

The stress of an ill child is unmeasurable, dd has a lifelong condition and whilst not directly life threatening it is auto immune so contracting certain illnesses with this condition could be life threatening if that makes sense. My stress levels at key points, starting nursery, starting school. High school etc have been insane.

Try to be kind to yourself and dh, he hasnt handled it well, but I do kinda get why he lost it. I did similar (although without the swearing) when a nurse made a very flippant comment during a discussion with the senior consultant abiut a course of treatment. It showed a flagrant disregard for the upset, pian and distress dd was in constantly and I saw red. Especially as they had seen her at her worst and knew how poorly she could get. I shouted at her. Told her to get out of the room and when she refused to I had to walk out because if she had opened her mouth again I didn't trust myself not to slap her.

I'm not proud of the way I handled it. But I am nit sorry that I stood up for dd.

Put the complaint in against the hospital and dont sweat the safeguarding thing, it is procedural and given the circumstances will almost certainly be dismissed.

Although the situation with your son is very upsetting, your husband is a grown man who should be able to regulate his emotions and deal with this in an appropriate manner. I‘m guessing they have concerns about you too, from a domestic violence perspective. If that is the case, concerns about the children witnessing it. Which is considered child abuse.

Having spoken to a social worker (friend from school) regarding this referral we have to be a united front. I’m not happy with how he’s acted who would be ? But also what do you want me to say I’ve said I’m not happy you’ll just fine other ways to say I’m defending him because I agree with him etc. so let’s agree to disagree.

As a parent whose lost a child to medical malpractice I can tell you they sometimes really deserve it though. Their arrogance can be unbearable when your child is their victim.

I could not disagree more. If she said she had abused and sworn at the staff she would not be supported here . Its also not advocating for the child. It has nothing to do with getting better treatment. A screaming fit is not educational and its not advocacy.

I think you've been very unlucky in many ways with your DSs stroke and subsequent lifestyle adjustment. However you seem to be very angry about parts of it, and oddly standoffish in others. Like you don't go to appointments or notice anything is wrong, but then rage when someone makes a mistake. People make mistakes, they are human, perhaps your DH could have shown compassion to the doctors treating your DS.

Long term I think you need support to work through your DSs stroke and how it's impacting your life.

You're going to look a right twat being a united front behind a sweary DH.

I'm afraid a safeguarding referral doesn't sound inappropriate to me and I work in children's services. If something like this happened in front of me I'd be really worried about what was going on behind closed doors.

The botox situation is a very unfortunate sequence of events and you deserve an investigation and explanation. A formal complaint if you feel there has been negligent / incompetent care is often the best way to go about things. Is part of the issue that he is blaming himself for not being there and that he thinks if he was it wouldn't have happened or he would have noticed sooner?

However I agree with the others that it sounds like you both need counselling. I think the stages of grief apply (google Kubler-Ross) when a loved one experiences something like your son. You have to grieve for the life you thought you would have.

The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They don't happen in order but I think the fact that after four years you are both still so angry about your sons's stroke means you need some help to learn to live better and accept what happened to your son.

A conversation you should have with DH not MM.

You do realise that your DH's actions can have consequences? Support him in seeking counseling for his way of coping. Focus on that.

This isn't a one off then, he's been aggressive and angry with health professionals before?

Yes his behaviour has made things worse, all you can do is cooperate with the safeguarding process and accept the outcome. It might be that your DH is not allowed to attend appointments in future, I wouldn't blame the hospital for protecting their staff.

I think you need to look at what support you can both access, in terms of counselling/therapy. You've both been through a lot and it can skew your perspective. Focus on the positives and what you can and will do, not the what ifs. I have a severely disabled son and I can promise you, dwelling on the 'what could have been' will just depress and drag you down. You have a wonderful little boy, having faced his difficulties, he will grow up strong and resilient. You sound like a lovely mum but you need to give yourself a break from constant worry. You need to take care of yourself too 💐

Couldn’t edit. My post should have read daily physiotherapy.

She sounds like she’s trying to work through a complex and upsetting situation to me. You keep on sticking the boot in though.

From what you have said, the Botox was administered incorrectly or ineffectively into his weaker hand, what is the outcome of this as it will wear off in a couple of months? Is there something more to it I have missed, as it is normal to favour one hand isn’t it? And he will become naturally more dexterous as he gets older. Is it really such a huge setback?

Also, are you part of any support groups. I find speaking to people who have some idea of what I am going through really helpful. It feels less lonely and it also gives you hope

Honestly I think it is easy for people to read this post and say your OH has been way out of line and berate him and make him seem worse then he is.

I do think he has crossed a line, he honestly probably knows himself.

Having said that. No one can imagine what you and your OH have had to go through as parents. This is such a hard and sad situation and you are both putting in so much work to help your son get better. So when you are living this day in and out and working so hard to help him, and as a doctor see another medical professional mess it up I can imagine it all came down for your husband and he reacted poorly but I honestly think he must be at his wits end too and felt helpless in that moment and upset for you and his child and couldn't control his emotions and let it out. It's not OK but I can understand how it has happened.

I wouldn't worry about the visit. Both just cooperate and explain it. I am sure they could understand your OH is human afterall and we all have faults at times. If this is way out of character for him they will see this as you guys explain your situation.

I'm sorry OP that you have to go through this. You both sound like you are doing your best and your child is lucky to have you both.

He's not upset and angry, he's abusive and threatening. Anger and upset are emotions, not actions. It's his actions that are the issue, and they were clearly significant enough that the department have made a safeguarding referral

I'm also assuming he didn't just waltz into the department and shout at the Dr who did the treatment, it will have been other members of the team who were at the receiving end of his shouting and swearing

Maybe so we will just have to see how it all goes. I’m not going to sit here and say I agree with his actions I don’t but it’s happened that’s how he chose to act all we can do is see how this goes and be cooperative. We aren’t here to argue with them

I think you've missed the part where OP said a recent medical botox treatment went wrong and the professionals are unable to say exactly what the final outcome of that will be on their son's condition. This is what's making them VERY angry and what made DH lose his rag.

Wishing your ds a speedy recovery. A friend of mine had a stroke in her 30's and I've seen the effect it's had on her. I can't imagine the trauma you went through with your ds.

She needs to focus on and understanding her husband's need for therapy if they are to appear as a team in front of the social worker. He has done this more than one time. The hospital is right to take action to protect staff.

I would imagine they are concerned your DH is capable of behaving like this toward you and/or your children.

This is not about what happened with the recent treatment, which sadly didn’t go as planned. But about his reaction under stress and how that might place the rest of the family at risk

We will see how the referral goes and what steps they require us to take next. We haven’t had anything like this before and for what it’s worth we love our children so much. It’s a shame what has happened but we are trying to navigate it the best that we can. He does regret how he’s acted that was never his intention (his words) but that’s how he acted so we have to deal with the consequences.

I recognise this story from your TikTok profile. If this is a genuine post, you need to be honest with the safeguarding investigations and explain that this is because of stress.