DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

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DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

Op I have a perspective that might be similar - I have a child with additional needs and they have been treated very very badly by some of the professionals we have come into contact with - at a serious enough level I could if I wanted to take legal action.

I have BURNED with anger at how my child has been treated - it has had a major impact on their life chances as well as made us all deeply unhappy.

However - I have worked very very hard - with the support of my husband - to stay calm when speaking to the people involved. I'm not saying that as a criticism of your husband - I actually can imagine completely losing it to be honest at certain points.

You know as well as I do that it doens't help - and in the end most of the professionals are just ordinary people who have fucked up - most of the people involved in these situations were doing their best - it's just sometimes that equals incompetence.

It is unbearably stressful when your childs fate is in the hands of professionals who seem to be incompetent. unless people have been through it they just don't understand.

You probably do need more support if both of you are under so much stress - all you can do is be honest with the professionals.

If you want to make a complaint to the hospital - you shouldn't let any of this stop you by the way.

As a medical professional, he should know that outcomes cannot be guaranteed, that there is always a risk of something "going wrong". He probably says exactly this to his patients every day. So to react in the way he did is both unfair and unprofessional. Maybe he needs some time off work?

Them messing up isn’t an excuse to threaten them. ‘He wouldn’t have acted like that if’…. Is you excusing his behaviour. His behaviour is his fault, nobody else is responsible for it and you both need to own that.

If he keeps going like this it will have consequences. Abuse of staff is serious and cannot simply be ignored.

When your dc has ongoing needs it can be really difficult to address the needs of the parents because it just doesn’t feel like a justifiable use of resources - whether that’s time, money or even sympathy.

But you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Neither of you are handling these stresses very well, and the manner in which you break down is impacting each other. You both need some support from the very limited, and overstretched resources available. And you both deserve much more than you’ll get.

I’m not disputing that he’s wrong here, but I also think you’re catastrophising, and that’s probably become a coping mechanism - if you fear the worst, it might not be as a bad, even though it’s bad.

Try and forgive him for being human. You guys need each other in this.

OP you have had 3 children close together and one has a condition that is consuming your lives. Your youngest child must be very young - or you have twins - and that’s also hard. You need to step back and consider yourselves here and how you are coping because it sounds like you are firefighting. What help are you getting for you?

They’ve also made things worse by apologising even before an official complaint has been made.

Sorry, what? This is exactly what they should be doing! How has that made it worse?

As a social worker my concern is that if he behaves this way in public, what’s he like behind closed doors. I understand you’re both under enormous stress and the recent set back may have triggered an angry response in him but if he responds to stress from a place of anger I’d want to know how he manages the stress of caring for a disabled child in a busy household.

I’d also be concerned about the impact of the situation on all of you. It’s absolutely horrific that your tiny baby suffered a stroke, I can’t imagine how on earth you find a way through that. It sounds like you carry a lot of worry for your little one, and a lot of anxiety that he is able to do what other children can - have you really accepted his disability and mourned the losses that came following the stroke? How are things with your other two children, what wider support do you both have?

I know it’s scary to have a safeguarding referral, but it could be a real turning point if you’re able to reflect on how you both are coping, and find healthy ways forward. Your DH needs to get a grip of his anger, know when to walk away and engage constructively. How would he be if an aggrieved patient shouted at him and threatened him?

He behaved badly. I doubt anything will come of the safeguarding complaint. They’ll visit just to double check.
You are both at breaking point. It is very difficult to see your child go through a wasted procedure when their life revolves around hospital visits.
DH should apologise to the doctors.

He was upset and angry. Why aren't we allowed to be upset and angry? Honestly, we're humans with emotions not robots!

And of course the hospital try to deflect their poor performance by reporting your DH. But the reality is your DC has been affected by their poor treatment. Deal with the safeguarding issue when it happens. Make a formal complaint. Find a medical malpractice lawyer so you know who to turn to if things don't get better for your DC.

Are we not allowed to be angry about our child having a disability and having to learn ways to advocate for him in different settings? It’s affected a lot of our choices ie prep school, our other children who we love very much. They love doing all the things their big brother does, little do they know their brother HAS to do all those things it’s not just for fun.

I guess we are just intense then I think we will always be very hurt having seen what our son has endured and continues to recover from. I haven’t put every little detail as I don’t feel I need to nor do I feel I need to justify my anger or need to just get over it as if it’s something that will just go away.

Your husband has messed up . Nobody goes to work hoping to do a bad job and behaving aggressively isn’t helping any situation. I think you both need to accept your son’s condition . You seem to be acting so intense all the time , years after the event . You’ve said yourself it would be hard to recognise he’s disabled so is he really so incapacitated . Lots of children have ailments , difficulties etc and go on to lead productive happy lives. As your son gets older he may resent constant focus on ‘ treatments ‘ and may just want to be accepted for who he is not what version of him you want .

You've said that there's nothing you can do about your DH losing his temper now, but of course there is. In your shoes, the minute he told me what had happened, I would have told him that he needed to write a letter of apology, explaining the reasons behind his blowing up, and apologising, because as a doctor himself, he must know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a patient blowing up.

It's possible that he needs to worry about the GMC - he could be found unfit to practice. He needs to make a genuine apology and find a way of assuring that it won't happen again.

Hospital staff has a right to be met without shouting, swearing and threats from parents. It's abuse.

It all depends on what exactly went wrong. If this is clearly incompetence and they damaged your child's health through it, lodge a complaint. Surely your husband as a doctor knew why he was shouting at them. The only bad thing is that he made threats - I hope he threatened them with making a complaint and getting them struck off, not that he would do the same to them - I mean catch them after work and administer Botox incorrectly into their hand/arm.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you damage the patient or how negligent you are, in the UK it is no consequences for the doctors (only nurses get to suffer). Doctors maim and kill and get away with 'lessons learnt'. If he was shouting at them for their obvious to him medical negligence, they may have provoked him to be able to make a complaint about him, to hide their negligence. That is what they do, unfortunately.

You are very angry and it is understandable - but even through your posts it’s clear that the anger is eating away at you. Finding a way to accept the situation and build from there would help you. Your DS sounds like a lovely little chap and it’s lovely that he has close siblings.

I don’t think you have really listened to all the replies. Such anger is now hurting your family as your husband is lashing out and threatening people. As I said I think you need help as a family to process what’s happened, like counselling for the trauma you’ve all been through and continue to go through. Straight anger doesn’t help your children, or you. Having counselling can help you and if your DH makes steps to start it then this could help him in the referral too.

100% agree I’m not excusing the way he expressed his anger at all. We’ve spoken about that. He’s since been and apologised. I’m annoyed that’s how he acted considering he told me he was ‘just’ going to talk to them and blames himself. The one appointment he missed, they messed up and I didn’t even notice. DH was the one that noticed that something was off. I’m not a doctor so I haven’t got a clue. They have since apologised to us and are saying to give 3 months.

Regardless of that the hospital messed up that doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated the way my husband has. Two things can be true at the same time, we messed up too by not going through the proper channels

Being upset and angry is understandable, loosing your temper and threatening people isn’t ok. HTH

Honestly, imo, he only went too far if he made physical threats and was physically violent towards them, because if you eff up my child’s procedure, best believe I will shout.

I'm unclear whether your DS has had a sub optimal outcome from the botox that was within the normal range/within the possibilities of complications that you would have been informed about. Or if they have made a medical error and hurt him?

If it's the second, I can see why he was angry, but it's not acceptable to be shouting ans swearing an d threatening people. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if someone behaved to him at work as he did?

It also depends on the threats - 'I'm going to make a formal complaint and complain to the GMC' or 'I'm going to punch you in the face' are rather different situations.

Well, maybe she’s here just to talk it through and get some support and empathy 🙂

It's still not acceptable behavior. He should seek counseling.

It’s an awful thing to have done of course but it’s not just your mental health that’s been suffering, obviously the stress and fear has built up for your husband too and that’s the moment it all came pouring out. It wasn’t a good outlet for it but sometimes we fail in life and do not behave as we wish we had. I think your husband likely needs to acknowledge he was out of line and apologise for it, possibly acknowledge he needs to seek therapy for the stress and trauma of what he’s been through. If he does this I don’t think any more serious action would be taken.