To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

Just because you are closer to your mum (I mean, of course you are!) doesn’t mean she should be more involved than MIL, it should be equal. She is your DH’s mum and your kids are equally his as they are yours. You may well prefer your mum’s ways (again, of course you do!) but that’s also no justification for giving your mum a higher level of access.
Sorry to remind you of the obvious, but your baby isn’t more yours than your DH.

She seems a bit pushy and overbearing.
Dont dance to her tune. You are the cihildrens mother not her

Get you husband to get his arse out of gear and involve him in taking the kids to see the MIL

Yes this, be more forceful with the request, and see what happens. When she sends dc over if they need hands wiping; send them back, no mummy is busy, granny will do it for you etc

from your op though it sounds like she doesn’t know what to do, in the practical sense, with children, as she’s never done that bit, the nanny did it. Maybe she feels a bit inadequate next to you, with how practical and hands on you are

OP’s husband can facilitate the relationship between the children and his side of the family. If everything’s suppose to be “equal,” he can be equally involved.

God mothers of sons really can’t win at all. Sounds like she’s trying hard to make an effort, tell your husband to visit her more with kids if you’re finding it hard

Two sets of loving Grandparents. How lucky you are. Cherish them.

I’ve already posted on this thread but I thought of something else OP - do you think she’s the type of person who will really come into their own once the children are older? So a bit crap with under five’s but would happily take them out to theatre or shopping once older, that kind of thing?

No, but OP is her own person, not an equal share of her's and her husband's. Visiting or having visitors isn't just about the child. OP has her own needs and preferences that she gets to take into account as well as her child's.

I'm probably going to get totally slaughtered for this but never mind. It seems to me that you hold your MIL and husband to completely different standards yet from what you tell us there doesn't seem to be much difference between them.

Your MIL used 24/7 nannies. Your husband, who is completely absent and absolved from all childcare responsibilities Monday-Friday is somehow put on a pedestal as a great father yet he's also relying on your, your mum and his mum to raise his children.

Being a good parent is more than just working and only being there at the weekends. TRUE partnerships are the ones that juggle nursery runs, sick days and childcare. It's being there for the hard parts. Children remember who was there for them and as they get older they notice absent parents.

Honestly the problem I don't feel is your MIL. Why is your husband not around when his own kids are sick, or giving you time at a weekend to go to the hairdresser. And you say it work for you but does it? As your kids get older, they'll notice a dad that was never around during the week. Who never took them to school. Who never helped with homework. Or was there when they were getting ready for school. Or never there when they were sick. Kids need present parents, they dont need workaholic parents with grandparents stepping in to fill the void during the week.

It's amazing the double standards. I absolutely guarantee if a mum was to post she only saw her kids at a weekend there's no way she'd be held up as a great mum.

If MIL doesn't want to do childcare/help out I think that's fair enough.

She can't then complain that she is missing out because Op's mum will help out though.

She sounds like a nice MIL, but I get that she’s never going to be as close to you as your mum. She needs to be equally involved but perhaps in different ways. The children are just as much her grandchildren as they are your mum’s, so that side of things should be equal.

She needs to be equally involved but perhaps in different ways.

That might happen naturally as they get older.

It sounds as if Op gets on ok with her MIL but she is so busy with the kids that seeing MIL is a hindrance atm rather than enjoyable.