To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

MILs son can be in charge of that relationship. FFS

that's putting it mildly!

Imagine keeping track of how the other parent spend time with, how long for and how involved they are and demanding instead of being normal and building a relationship.

No wonder some people change countries to get away from someone like that.

But then if not being invited to something means you are "excluded" , you can see the issue

Of course you're being unfair-she is the grandmother just as much! As for recreating a relationship-of course you can. Some people never speak to their birth mums and have good relationships with MIL.

You can only recreate that relationship if MIL wants to. It's not something OP can do on her own. And from the examples she's given, the MIL doesn't want it.

I'd try (and say this warmly) "Oh I don't need an expert, I just need some help!" and leave her to it.

Hear, hear @DaphneduM I really agree. For a site that supports women there are always the posters who just want to have a go at MILS. (and Sils and stepdaughters). Not nice.

Bloomin' heck @mtrkk, you have so much support! You are so, so lucky to have two sets of grandparents who want to be so involved and honestly, I wouldn't over-think this too much.

I'm guessing that your MIL was also raised by nannies/always had household help, so she's less familiar with the practical side of parenting. She'll be more helpful when your children are older and she can take them out or play board games with them, for example.

Honestly, I'd relax and let both grandmas build their relationships with your children. Sadly, I had the opposite situation as my Mum died before my children were born and my MIL was far more hands-off than yours is, which has resulted in a superficial relationship with my young adult children. What your children have is far better!

Could not agree more OP

@mtrkk You're talking about YOUR relationship with your MIL though, whereas this is really about your children's relationships with her.

OK, she's not particularly helpful to you, but she's bonding with your children, which is great. You've got your Mum's practical support and it sounds as if your MIL is financially generous...it sounds amazing!

@diddleven if it was the one, she’d just say “ok, I’ll see you when you’re back from DC2’s dentist, take the baby with you” (if eldest in school and I try to leave baby with her whilst taking DC2 to dentist, same if I tried to leave any of the others)

Because she is treated like the help just there to facilitate the real family’s fun time with tbe children rather than being treated like her dh (favored son) or a guest (allowed to eat a meal in peace). Hope that helps!

Honestly I think you don’t like her. You don’t say one positive thing about her in your post. She hasnt done anything wrong and it sounds like she tries hard to be open to you; and you aren’t keen on reciprocating.

Do you see her with your DH? Does he see her alone? He could help hugely by putting the effort in himself to see her both with you and without you.

You say you don’t have ‘the history’ with her - you need to make that history.
Kids benefit hugely from good relationships with their grandkids.
If you have a son, would you accept being second best and not allowed much look-in when he is married?? That’s the example you are setting. I think you should be more tolerant of her. I appreciate that’s hard but she is your family even if you don’t like her or their family values / culture

You're not being unfair. But there's a nuance in here worth pulling apart.
The core thing — that you can't manufacture 30 years of history with someone you've known for a handful — is just true. Your mum knows you as a person, not as "DH's wife." That kind of ease doesn't come from generosity; it comes from time. MIL being wealthy and organised doesn't shortcut that, and it's reasonable to feel a bit boxed in when she seems to think it should.
The distinction you're drawing between "help" and "involvement on her terms" is also real, not petty. Coming over to hold the baby while you're meant to go do something "useful," or playing with a toddler right up until things get boring or messy — that's not the same as showing up for the unglamorous two hours of snack negotiations and meltdown management. One is presence, the other is support. You're allowed to notice the difference and not owe the same access in return.
The "your SIL always says yes" line is worth naming for what it is: a comparison meant to make you feel like you're failing a test you never agreed to sit. Money creating an unspoken ledger of obligation is exactly the kind of dynamic you're right to be wary of.
Where I'd gently push back, though: some of what reads as "MIL only wants the fun bits" might also be that she's never been given the boring bits to prove she can handle them. Your mum's comfort handling a tantrum solo comes from decades of practice raising her own kids and years of being trusted with yours. MIL may genuinely not have those reps — not because she's lazy, but because she's rarely been in the room for the mundane, unglamorous stretch where you learn how. If she's only ever brought in for high-stakes, high-fun occasions, she'll stay stuck at that level. That doesn't mean you owe her equal access on her schedule — you don't — but it might mean the gap is partly circumstantial, not just character.
DH's "why can't mine come and go the same way" isn't really an argument that the relationships are equivalent — they're not, and he probably knows that. It might be more that he doesn't like seeing his mother held at a slight remove while yours isn't, and he's reaching for the closest comparison to explain the discomfort. That's worth hearing without necessarily agreeing to the premise.
So: not unfair to protect the relationship you have with your mum as its own thing. Might be worth, separately, seeing whether there's a low-key, low-stakes way to let MIL build some actual trust and practice — not as compensation for the imbalance, but because it might be the only real path to the closeness that she says she wants.

@SaySomethingMan
Because if my sister, cousin, friend or one day my daughter or DIL came over, and I saw she was breastfeeding one baby while the toddler came over saying, “Can you help me with my shoes, mummy?” my instinct would be to say, “Come here, I’ll do your shoes.” If they tried to touch me with messy hands, I’d grab the wipes and clean them. I wouldn’t say “DIL, look, his hands are dirty. Go back to mummy!!”

This is such a fabulous analysis it bears repeating!

This isn’t about YOU and your relationship with your mother and MIL. It’s about the children creating a close relationship with their grandparents, which is your responsibility to enable (despite your carping criticisms).

But its not her sole responsibility to manage or foster it. This isn’t some patriarchal so iety in which the DIL is subservient to her husband’s parents.

My own Mum was like this though.
I remember she'd be round as the afternoon school run was approaching.. I'd ask if I could leave the baby with her whilst I nipped to get my older Son and she'd decline. Even though it meant her only being at mine for another 30 mins and she had nowhere to be.

I have noticed that she herself has the mentality that she struggled and didn't get help, so it's almost like she thinks I needed to suffer the same hardship.

I did not have a village, atall. My husband worked long hours, I had horrendous PND and anxiety and I genuinely think it was contributed to by lack of support and time to be anything other than a burnt-out and exhausted mother.

So you have my sympathy. It's really hard when little people are needing your attention and time all day long and other adults aren't willing to occasionally lighten the load.

I read lots on here from women that have fantastic support and they have no idea how lucky they are..!

Perfect response.

Could you then counteract with "here are the wipes, take them to nanny, she'll help you darling!"

FWIW I think your MIL sounds difficult.
How hard is it to help a little?

But maybe you need to start really speaking up and directly asking her to do xyz because you have your hands full.

You need to try and not fall into the nanny role when you're with DH or on family holidays as DH obviously has a different view on what mums do/women/baby raising from childhood so around his mum he might turn lazy.
In light of your updates I think you need to see her midweek sometimes but at a baby group and coffee after, or at a nat trust place for a coffee and play, or something similar short and sweet. She can pay?!

But yes you're not U to have different expectations. You don't need to be the nanny around her but I do understand. She may come into her own once you're out of the baby stage etc. Just try to drop resentment and expectations as otherwise you'll sour the relationship between her and GC and likewise you'll start resenting DH. I also think you should start to think about part time work for your own sanity.

Well it probably mostly is actually in the reality of living…

@pikkumyy77 It sounds as if she and her DH have decided on a traditional set-up - he focuses on work during the week while she looks after the children. Her MIL mainly visits at the weekend when he's there. It's during the week that's the issue as MIL would like to be involved then too.

As the OP is in charge of the children then, her DH can't coordinate weekday visits so it's either the OP facilitates them or it doesn't happen.

It's not really being patriarchal, this is the set-up that they've decided on. If the OP wants to change it, she can.

YANBU your mum comes and is helpful, so her coming is convenient at most times. Your MIL comes and just enjoys time with the kids. Which is lovely. But that has to be at your convenience. Alot of your mum's "contact time" is stuff your MIL wouldn't want to do, which is fine, but she doesn't get more of the "good" time to make up for your mum getting more of the "work" time.

It's like my ex not wanting to do any of the school runs, but wanting more of the weekends to make up for me spending more time with DS. Its not the same quality of time.