To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL and I don’t think your DH is wrong. You talk about her finances a lot. Are you sure you haven’t decided she is too different to you - mentioning her buying expensive clothes you don’t like and booking restaurants you wouldn’t pick?

She sounds kind and like she’s making an effort with you. I don’t think she sounds like she’s trying to be your mum but rather she is trying to establish a closer relationship with you. I think your focus on her as though she is directly trying to replicate that exact relationship is unhelpful. She clearly loves your children and wants to get on with you and be involved in your lives in a loving way.

I agree the relationship is totally different and you can’t force it. Your own mum is really coming to look after you and help you out - you are her priority. I can see it probably feels like your MIL is only trying to see the children which is understandable but it naturally means the relationship and involvement is different - you would see your mom whether you had the children or not - but you probably wouldn’t spend the time with your MIL. That said I agree with some of the other posts - give her times that work for you and ask for help and leave her to it. See how her stance changes then

@Batcatsi agree. I don’t want anyone cleaning my house. I would find that an invasion of my privacy and if a grandparent wants to hold and bond with their grandchild….then crack on!

I don’t see what OPs MIL has done wrong.
The way OP has written sounds transactional on ‘what people do for me in the way I want’.

my child is 7 and has equal relationships with both grandparents, both sets of grandparents have a good relationship with each other and sometimes meet up when they have their grandchildren. My niece has a lovely relationship with my in laws and my nephew on the other side calls her his cousin.

In my head the grandparents are there ‘for the nice bits’ I can ask both if they can babysit and because our daughter has good relationship with both she’s very comfortable at both.

Everyone has their flaws! My in laws and parents can get on my nerves (I probably get on theirs at times as well!)

I don’t have the same relationship with my in laws as my parents (because they aren’t my parents) but for my child they have the same relationship with both.

I’d winch at Dior logoed clothing as well. Your DH should be taking the lead in involving his mother more when he’s around and gently guiding her in type of help that works for you both.

However you should be involving her more than school events, birthdays & Christmas.

Maybe MIL wants to be more involved but is going about it the only way she knows how.

Perhaps instead of whingeing about her attempts, you could tell her what you need. If you say "MIL, could you look after the children so DH and I can go on a date night" or "MIL can you have the kids so I can see my friend for a couple of hours" she'd probably be right there but if you don't communicate the type of help you NEED, she's going to offer the type of help she THINKS you need.

Perhaps sort out in your head what she can do for you that would be actually useful rather than monetary and put it to her.

I find my MIL overbearing and irritating, but I still make some time for her to see DGC.

Similar dynamic as in I don't leave DC alone with her (DH's choice). I do think it's mostly his role to facilitate the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren but as a SAHP I think you could do an occasional meet up with her and count it as 'work' - I do this sometimes as part of teamwork so DH doesn't have to spend spare time with her. Not very often and she does not see DGC as much as my mum, but my mum sees us in shorter bursts.

MIL is also very 'organised' and I make sure not to get into the trap of wife work or making all arrangements, I only make arrangements if they are just for me and never say yes to anything involving DH, he can check the calendar too.

I also refuse to get into Christmas rotas, that is an early comment but have seen threads already.

He’s probably out working, which if he didn’t do OP likely couldn’t be a SAHM given she has said her family isn’t independently wealthy. OP sounds like you’re just looking for excuses not to see your MIL as much but I think you’re being very unfair. It doesn’t sound like she is doing anything wrong.

I get it OP. A grandma who buys expensive clothes and doesn’t deal with a tantrum or change a nappy or clean sticky fingers is not the same grade of grandma as one that gets stuck in to every aspect. They are the equivalent of Disney dad grandparenting. Of course your preference is for the more helpful one!!

my in laws track how many days they think I spend with my mum (I see her three times a year as she is a full time carer). And they see our children twice as much as she does but they get jealous any time my mum sees her grand children.

And they want a day in lieu to make it up. It’s so draining, petty and childish. I’ve had to start hiding when I see my mum because they complain to my husband behind my back.

She's not your mother so she can't have that exact relationship with you but you can try to carve out a role for her. It could be taking the children on a specific type of day out or activity, or whatever works as a middle ground between what you want and what she wants. A loving grandmother is a good thing even if that love isn't expressed in a way you find convenient.

I’d maybe try and suggest things you are happy to involve her in? Rather than wait for her to suggest things she thinks would be fun but aren’t in actual reality?

MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

I’d be telling her exactly why on this front though…tacky.

Your husband sounds like a complete twat and you don’t seem to have realised it!
how dare he suggest who you should see or not see?!?
if he wants his mum to have a relationship with his children, then he organises that for times when he’s not at work! You can go out then and do whatever it is you like to do.

I have been on the other side of this - as the grandchild.

My parents made no attempt to facilitate a relationship between my paternal grandmother, a perfectly decent woman but they let a few minor disagreements and personality clashes over the years road block my contact with her. It was the occasional visit, phone calls at birthdays, christmasses etc.

I was much closer with my my maternal grandmother yet she was never all that hands on (in terms of playing etc) and could be quite intimidating. She died in my early 20s.

My paternal grandmother is still alive, and the relationship is very awkward and not close because there was never any bonding to begin with. My cousins are quite close with her, which implies she is a loving grandmother but we were was robbed of that relationship, so I also feel sorry for her as well. She only has two other grandkids as well (who are much older than me).

It hasn't had an adverse effect on my life but it still pisses me off.

i think you are very unfair.

She has done one thing obviously very wrong, she is imposing a relationship instead of letting it develop naturally.

If you want to be close to your DIL, you build it over time, long before the first child arrives. You don't decide you have the same rights a their mother when you are basically strangers.

MIL doesn't have rights over the kids or the OP. Of course it's kind to bring clothes and be close to the children, but the OP is not refusing to see her is she?

children should have equal relationships with their grandparents
MIL is the dad's job, is the husband making all the efforts with his wife's family to get them involved? Of course he's not. Why is it the OP who has to handle her MIL?

Lack of respect, lack of boundaries, and weird expectations that someone who comes from totally different background and family should just slot in and suddenly do as told. MIL is not head of the family, she should treat the OP as an equal and give her the same respect and boundaries as anyone else

Presumably you thought your DH well brought up enough to marry. Your MIL did that. She is as much your DCs grandmother as your mother is and you are being quite childish.

As for the clothes, on once, take photo, send photo, donate

@sunsettosunrisewhy do you say ‘parents’ rather than ‘father’? Why would your mum organise seeing your dad’s parents? Women doing all the wife work is stuff of the 1950s.

I am always amazed at the ILs, both very wealthy and poor, wanting so much to do with their children-in-law. Why? Is it that they are genuinely so much nicer than I am (I often think that)? Or they are so bored that they have nothing better to do with their retirement than 'come and play with a toddler whilst he is in a good mood'?
For most people life has been not very easy, they have not read all the books they wanted to read, not been on all the day trips they wanted to go on, or even sat on a bench in the park with their husband, with their own brood leaving them the fuck alone, never mind grandchildren as well.
And forging special relationships with DILs? Seriously?

How often does your mil see the children compared to your mum? I have the same scenario but it’s my mil who is more involved - a big reason being that she helps more than my mum so of course she sees them more as I call her when I need help as well as just to see her. Maybe you could try asking your mil to have the children on
occasion and see how it goes?

I'm somewhere in the middle too.

Her way of showing she cares is to spoil you all. We treat our DCs and their DPs to holidays and gifts - not because we want to buy them but because we can afford it and we want to help them.

Does MIL have sons only? Perhaps she craves the DD/Mother type of relationship? I'm not saying it's your responsibility to give it to her but that is what it sounds like to me. Also she knows she's not your Mum and I totally agree with you that your relationship with your Mum will be different as you are so close to her.

I think she is unreasonable about the designer clothes thing - not my cup of tea either. But how you have described her and the things she does makes me feel that she is doing this all from her heart and from a good place - not to try and control you. Also those saying you have a DH problem - I'm not sure you do. You are the SAHP so you're obviously more available than your DH.

It's like telling your friend that she looks beautiful in her new outfit. By saying it, you're not saying she is more beautiful than you or anyone else, just that you recognise she looks lovely. By spending time with your MIL and allowing her into your life doesn't mean you are diminishing the special bond you have with your Mum - or believing that your Mum isn't the most special to you. I'd try to let her in a little more.

Yah, wearing crests of other people belongs to the footmen, yah.😂

You do realise they are his children also?

I don't like logos either, but what is wrong in letting the kids try seafood? Children should be open to trying new foods. You sound just a bit uptight OP.
I've seen so many threads from people whose PILs favour a sister or brother in law over the OP. You're complaining because yours are trying to treat you all equally.
Does your DH like being treated to weekend meals out? Are you discussing things first or is he accepting invitations without checking with you?
Seems to me that mil is doing her best but you might need a chat with DH.
Btw I wouldn't dream of waltzing into my DIL's kitchen and starting to clean it. Don't think it would go down too well.

This seems more about style and expectations, you are used to your mum’s ways, and you do sound incredibly Co-dependent, I’ve never had this with my mum.
MIL is more my style, would have much preferred a break from the kids and the opportunity to get on with something else. I found being with small children alone very isolating, a MIL playing with them whilst I got to do a food shop alone was my idea of help heaven 😂 but you aren’t me, so i appreciate your needs and expectations are different

im also very shallow and here for going to the country house at the weekend 😂

I’m the ‘MIL’. I live near to ds1 and his gf with whom he has two babies and gf’s mum lives about an hour away. I fully accept that the gf wants her mum as I would’ve wanted mine (and which I was so lucky to have). My own MIL lived a short journey away when ds2 was small but it was my own mother I wanted. It’s normal x

I also refuse to get into Christmas rotas, that is an early comment but have seen threads already.
Definitely this advice for all new families. We have always spent Christmas day with just me, DH and kids at home every year. We don't mind if anyone wants to just pop in Christmas morning that's up to them.

First of as all the point is not really the relationship with you, it's between your MIL and her grandchildren. And yes, you are being a twat trying to block that. It's just as an important and real relationship as the one they have with your mum.

The second point is, your MIL is your family now. Right now you aren't close. Potentially you could be, you don't really know because you haven't given it a chance to develop. It takes some work and time. You can decide you just don't care to do it, but that doesn't reflect on her as you seem to think, it reflects on you.