To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

It sounds like that’s exactly what she is doing. But she isn’t going to ask for help from someone who doesn’t actually help, is she?????

This thread is super annoying, people aren't reading what the op is saying properly. She would be happy to let her MIL help with the dc but she (mil) doesn't want to! She just wants to do the fun stuff (like she did with her own dc by the sounds of it)

I read the thread title thinking I would think op was unreasonable but having seen the posts and explanations I don't think she is.

Op I think the poll is correct over some of the replies that you have had in the thread you are not unreasonable. If your mil wants to come over more often in the week like your mum does then she is going to have to be a bit more hands on with her dgc.

Remember, one day you will be some one's Mother in Law. Cut your MIL a bit of slack. She wants to get involved and she is trying.

Agreed. I had zero help from parents and in-laws and it was a very difficult journey. I’m sorry you went through this too 💐

You're the primary parent, so its inevitable your mother is the primary grandmother for the reasons you give.
No one has done anything wrong here (except your husband who has unrealistic expectations) it's just the way it is.
Keep making an effort with your MiL, because she sounds generous and keen to be involved, which is far preferable to the reverse.
She sounds like she will be a great grandmother to your DC, albeit in a different way to your mum, but an enhancement to their lives nonetheless, so do what you can to preserve and encourage that for their sakes.
As they get older and less in need of hands on care, sometimes the grandparent relationships even up naturally because they tend to be based as much on personality and enjoyment of company than who helped most with parenting them.

I think just try and include her as much as you can and be tactfully quiet about your own mum’s involvement. Clearly it’s a whole different relationship with your own mum, but children benefit from having both sets of grandparents involved xx If there’s an issue like lunch at 1, involve DH and let him explain and deal with it.

I’m fascinated by this perception that SAHMs have endless free time at their disposal! I’ve never had less time than when I was caring for a baby and a toddler, then later looking after a newborn baby with everything timed around preschool and school drop-offs and pick-ups!

I am in a very similar boat.
I hate when people say 'oh just let partner sort that out' it's not really that easy.

My MIL sounds very similar. Wants the nice bits, to sit and play and enjoy some laughter and fun. Will not entertain wiping a face, changing a nappy. My MIL will go into another room when I have to change my DS' nappy.

Last year my PIL were going to collect my DS from nursey one day a week and bring him back to ours for a couple of hours until we got back from work.
This didn't happen in the end as the job I was going to take changed

When sitting down with MIL before this, and going through DS' routine, I said 'and you know where the nappies are'
She told me she wouldn't be changing a nappy and that would have to wait until we got back 😬
When I didn't take that job and worked from home instead I asked if they'd still like to collect DS from nursery and see him then, they said no, it messed with their routine.

Any cold, sickness etc my MIL stays away. Whereas my mum is over as soon as needed to help clear up sick or whatever is needed.

As my child is a boy I know I'll be a MIL one day and I will be a cleaning up sick and changing a nappy one (if asked!)

There are some great accounts on TikTok/ Instagram that talk about overbearing MILs- More than grand and momom.Maria.

Can you explain it in terms she understands. "When my mum comes, she comes as my nanny, she does the jobs and I have the fun. When you come I'm like your nanny, I do the jobs and you have the fun. Which is absolutely fine and I love the kids having fun with you. But if I need help, I call my nanny don't I?"

Also, stop telling her how much your mum is there.

Exactly.
Just think about you will feel when your turn comes to be a grandmother. I have three sons and I would be devastated if my sons’ partners felt like that. I do know a bit of how you feel - but also looking back. I realize how unfair I was to my mil - I should have just been grateful that someone wanted to live my children.

Tell DH she can come and go as she likes - when he's home. Then take yourself out for some alone time and leave him to deal with the kids and host MIL at the same time.

Unless, of course, he's the kind of man who's going to realize how crap it is - and decide that, therefore, you definitely need to do it so he doesn't have to.

I would imagine she’ll learn from her MILs mistakes and be as hands on as her DIL would like her to be, so there won’t be the same issue

That sounds quite difficult if Grandma won’t wipe a child’s runny nose or sticky fingers, much less change a nappy!

So your mum is there more as she looks after the kids when you need/runs errands?

And MIL hasn't been told this/hasn't figured it out even though you have three kids & one is already in school?

And this thread is having a go at a mum/daughter/DIL. Also not nice.

Yes quite, and Vintlet seemed previously to be primarily concerned about the only man in the scenario, the children's father, and scolding the OP for being a SAHM to his three children.

I think partly yabu although I do understand where you are coming from.

But your husband facilitates you being a SAHM which in turn facilitates your mum seeing the kids more. I think it's obvious you'll alwasy see your mum more or use her for useful occasions but maybe try to have your mil around every few weeks for a couple of hours, aware of the fact it's just for relationship building rather than helping you.

Your dh can't give his mother equal opportunities without taking up all the weekends.

@Esmeraldathe3rd Yes, I do think this is mainly because the MIL has no experience of the practical side of parenting young children.

Apparently, one of my SIL's had no idea how to cook nor do household chores when she met DH's brother as her family always had staff (diplomatic family). She and her siblings also had nannies. It's a different lifestyle.

Perhaps the OP's DH could say something to his Mum about practical help during the week?

Your lucky to have both of them alive and interested .
Don't forget you might be a mil one day.

I totally agree with you. The only time in my life I had a cleaner is when I was a SAHP with a toddler and baby. My husband worked long hours, often away from home. All the other times of my life I have not needed one.
I don’t think OP is being unreasonable. I got on much better with my MIL than my mother. My mother always expected to be hosted. My MIL would help in any way she could.

I think that she has done something wrong. She is of absolutely no practical help at all with the children. She can't feed the children, she can't wip their grubby hands, she can't change a nappy. She had nannies to bring up her own children but surely everyone should be able to do these simple tasks when looking after children.

She just wants the fun bits until she gets bored or they need some practical care and then she hands them straight back to OP. Her insistance that OP see her as often as she sees her own mother (who is helpful) is just one-upmanship and fear of being left out but she won't entertain the idea of actually being of practical help to OP.

I’m with you op if dh wants the kids to have more of a relationship with mil he can facilitate. If he’s not willing to change his lifestyle to facilitate that then he shouldn’t have the expectation of you. It will get easier though, as kids get older it will naturally be that you see them on a weekend as kids have school.

How about next time she says lunch at 1 you just send your husband and the children an mf you stay at home for a rest. See if she helps him out at all

Sorry I don't have time to host during the week ..
And repeat...

It’s very easy to be generous when you’re rich.

This sort of comment pisses me off, of course rich people can give baby DIOR clothes