To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

So to sum up, you see her plenty, the kids see her plenty, she's perfectly well treated and she's not your mother. She's unhelpful with anything practical and though well meaning (despite trying to control you through money) doesn't assist in any useful way

Despite this she still sees your children plenty and is well treated.

Dh doesn't get to instruct you that his mother can come and go as she pleases when you're the one that would have to deal with that.

That's not his place and would be absolutely ludicrous, of course. Your time and attention is not his resource to dole out to demanding relatives.

If he wants his mother to see the kids more he can see his mother more. He has evenings, holidays and weekends and should get on that.

And he can tell his mother not to moan and gossip to him about his wife in future.

Non existent problem sorted.

Right? Imagine forcing your daughter to invite someone else to her own antenatal classes. I mean, what?

A few posters concerned about me being “just” a SAHM. I’m a 50/50 shareholder in DH’s business. We both recognise he couldn’t have built it without someone taking on 100% of the childcare, home and life admin. He’s never had to leave work for nursery pickups, inset days or a sick child because I’ve covered all of that. I knew I was marrying a workaholic, but I also married someone who’s incredibly driven, ambitious and a genuinely wonderful husband and father. I really admire that about him, and the arrangement works for us. We both see it as a partnership, just with different roles.

What a peach you are!

What kind of relationship is going to be fostered if granny sends the child(ren) back to mummy every time they need any sort of care/attention?

So many people not reading what the OP is actually saying.

OP I think you need an honest conversation with your husband. Explain why you don’t feel
you want his mum over more. That you’d be open to it but not as things are now. She needs to meet you halfway, do basic care and maybe then she’ll get the type of relationship she’s demanding. Or maybe she won’t as it’ll be too much effort.

I think you’ll have to be a little more straightforward with her…
”Actually MIL, ask I want you do at the moment is sit and hold my baby. But it would be super useful of you could pop a load of laundry on for me.”
”Right MIL, while you’re playing with dc I’ll pop out to the shop, so you’re in charge if dc want to do messy play!”

Include her, but on your terms

Sorry but he's neither a wonderful husband or father if he's dictating to you that your time and attention are his resource, and allowing his mother to bitch and moan about you behind your back with her ludicrous demands.

Put him back in his box, make it clear you expect him always to be on your side when his mother gossips about you and to shut that nonsense down immediately, make it clear your time and attention when caring for your children (which is a job) are not his to redistribute at will, and point out to him that if his mother is demanding more attention he can give it to her, as she gets plenty of time from you.

But she's right, of course. A bit brusque, certainly, but basically correct.

Its the way I think and try to parse things out so I like it. Disappointed if its AI but I don’t think its that different to the way some of us think. I don’t write like that here only because I am one finger typing on my phone.

This a "wonderful" father who does no childcare, no nursery pick ups, sick days, in service days and is a workaholic. If a working mum acted like this she'd be torn to shreds. It's amazing the low standards dad's get held to, to what makes a good father.

You're sitting moaning your MIL doesn't come round to help with sick kids yet your husband, the children's father, the one who actually is jointly responsible for the children gets off entirely scott free. How is that in any world fair?

OP, what about all of this does your DH struggle to understand? Given how differently your MIL behaves from your own mum, then where on earth does this come from:

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

I suppose what I mean is, why hasn't your DH said to his mum, "But you treat mtrkk like the nanny, Mum. So of course the relationship you've got with her is different to the relationship she has with her mum. Her mum treats her like a daughter so their relationship is different, and when she's round she's pitching in with the kids. Do you want to pop round for an hour and look after the kids on your own while mtrkk goes to the dentist? That's the sort of thing her mum does when she comes over."

You have a wonderful opportunity with your mil to make a great friend, she won’t replace your mother but she can be an amazing addition, try and be more inclusive and generous spirited, more love, more support is a good thing. But to do this you also have to open your own heart and accept her kindness and make room for her in your lives. Be flexible u and your family will benefit from expanding what family is.

YANBU at all. I recognise the dynamic you’re describing from my own mother.
What other posters can’t seem to grasp is that the gifts and organising days out isn’t done out of kindness, it’s a method of control.
I bet she’d be “so very sad and hurt” if you rejected any of it.
Also only wanting the kids for the easy parts when they’re in a good/easy mood..
I understand OP but many posters wont.
She wants to be included as much as your Mum without offering the same level of help. It’s a no brainer that you’d call your own Mum! Your MIL is clearly just interested in being entertained (and I expect being able to tell her friends how important she is to you all… 😉)

Good god, I’m actually convinced now that MN is proof of the dead internet theory.

there is no way people are reading the OPs posts, even just the first one, and thinking she’s excluding the MIL.

I cannot get over the idea of OPs fairly useless when it comes to helping, interfering mil who tries to buy people - who sees the grandchildren and the op plenty anyway - thinking she should just be able to drop in at any time it suits her.

The thought of anyone doing this fills me with absolute dread.

I cannot believe her husband wants OPs life to be so absolutely filled with extra stress and hassle - to suit himself and placate mommy dearest.

It's just awful.

My theory is it's a mixture of enraged, overbearing mil's who have - for good reason - not been given the power they want to wield over their grandchildren who always go in to bat for the mil even if she turns out to be Myra Hindley.

Plus trolls and maybe a few who are just too thick to read the post.

I think communication here is the key. Obviously the relationship is different but actually this is an issue of misunderstanding. The truth is you are asking your mum over to help YOU which your MlL doesn’t want to do (fair enough). If MiL (or your DH on her behalf) complains that your DM comes round so often, explain it like that - I need help with cleaning the house / I needed a babysitter so I could go out. The difference is you are not socialising with her, she is helping you. You don’t have much time to socialise. I’d be clear that you spend more time socialising with MiL that DM actually.
If MiL wants to see more of the grandchildren, keep offering her more time with one or more without you present. If she keeps turning these offers down, thats on her.
The other side is, accept who she is and try to enjoy the good points without being resentful. There are plenty worse MiL out there. Make sure you see her mostly with DH so you feel less like the nanny as there are 2 of you grafting and you can enjoy some of that great restaurant food. Maybe make some suggestions on things to buy if she likes giving gifts, things you think the children would really appreciate. If she wants to take you on holiday, say yes as long as it is somewhere with great child facilities so you get a break too.

This!
I’ve always included my MIL yes it’s not the EXACT same relationship but your children will benefit so much from having both sets of grandparents willing to love them. So maybe if a toddler tantrums she’s not sure what you would do or doesn’t want to
say oh they need clean clothes if a bit messy but that doesn’t make her a bad person If you have sons think how that feels, she’s trying, and for that you and your children and incredibly lucky

It’s important to include the adults who love your children with the best intentions. MIL might be better as they get older.
My DC had a good relationship with both sets DGP. My parents have died, so I’m glad they still have one set of loving grandparents.

I have 3 children...and they have never had grandparents...my parents died very young and so did my in laws.
I would have given anything for my kids to have had all that extra love and support and some financial help aswell.

Her MIL is included.
she just doesn’t invite her around when her husband isn’t there because she is expected to host, which she doesn’t want to do. She wants to be able to relax and have some of the slack taken off of her, like her mum does.

if MIL wants to be more involved than she is, then she’ll just have to do that, won’t she? Be more involved.

i can’t imagine being in a room with another adult and them thinking themselves unable to do something as simple as wipe a child’s hands. It’s pathetic, and I don’t know why so many people are ignoring that.

You need to decide what you want from her, you want her to act like your mum and instinctively know what to do but you also don't want her to act like your mum because you aren't that close. I think you need to put yourself in your MIL's shoes,

If she uses her initiative and does a job in the house for you, you may think she is judging your home or she is being intrusive.

If she asks to babysit your toddler you may think 'why does she want my baby without me?'

If she held on to your toddler while they cried or comforted them in a way that doesn't align with your parenting style - she is overstepping.

It is a minefield being a MIL and I think you do have to be more explicit about what you want more than you would your own mother. If you want her to babysit, ask her, if you want some help cleaning, ask her!

If she was not abusive to your DH and isn't abusive or otherwise malicious to you then give her a chance! The more people who love your DCs the better!

The alternative is to leave your DH to arrange contact with his mother, but then he might be happy to have the same open door policy with his own mum as you have with yours while he is home.

I think you need to emphasis to your MiL that your mum doesn't just come over when she wants. She comes over to do the grunt work to help you out. Tell MiL if she would be up for doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, or dealing with the kids when they are crying, then that would be great. But that isn't what she's done in the past when she calls round so she's not who you turn to. Would she actually like that to change?

And if she would, then when she comes round ask her to make the tea, ask her to take the rubbish out, ask her to do the hundred and one things your mother might offer to do if she were there (but have patience if she doesn't do it quite how you need it, she won't have the history). See how it goes.

And tell your DH that looking after the children during the week is your domain, he doesn't get to manage it or set the expectations, just as you don't tell him what he should be prioritising at work unless he asks for input (at least, I assume you don't).

Hi op the fact your mil had Nannie’s for her children says a lot. She wants the child but not get her hands dirty. Next time comments are made about your mum could you not tell her that you are more comfortable with your mum and she helps you so much that it’s the obvious answer to have her over and she sees it as a support to me. As you mil aren’t really one for helping me like you said in the past I’m the expert but I’m also a mother with 3 children who needs support and my mum offers and I accept it. When she gets the children clothes put them in them let her see them it might not be to your taste but with younger kids it doesn’t really matter.