To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

This is a good idea. If necessary have a headache just the once to see how things play out if your husband goes with the children without you.
If she helps great - she can do it! If she doesn't then your husband gains insight into your experience.

Completely agree. Disney grandma

This brings into focus the fact that it is in fact a DH problem because he's saying that if her mother can come over during the week his can - but he isn't there.

He is refusing to acknowledge that her mother helps and his expects to be hosted and presented with a curated highlights of grandmothering experience.

Sounds like you see mil regularly and just have a closer relationship with your own mum, which is perfectly fair.

I would ask her to discuss times and places with you in the future so you can make plans together, rather than her just booking things in and telling you about it. My own mum did that for a while after I moved out as a young adult and I had that discussion with her.

Would leave a dirty nappy for you after work? That’s neglect plain and simple

Equally, the husband is able to work long hours without ever having to give childcare a thought thanks to his wife’s hard work at home!

Are any of those three children that you have boys?

Anyone buying baby clothes (or any clothes, tbh) with big designer logos on the front is simply showing that money can't buy class. How tacky.

It reads like AI.

Antenatal classes 😳

Oh yes, someone has definitely typed or cut and pasted the OP into a chatbot and shared it's response with us there.

Some people use chat bots so much now though that they think that's a great writing style and try to emulate it, consciously or unconsciously.

Wow yes - in what world do grandparents attend antenatal classes?

Don't try and replicate the special relationship you have with your Mum. What about going out for shopping or cultural trips together even without the kids. Let her enjoy spending her money on you and don't feel guilty or obliged
It will make her feel happier, useful and wanted. After a while it will feel more normal and you'll have a better relationship without the current anxiety. She's trying to reach out in the only way she knows. You can proscribe the terms, maybe start a new hobby together.

This is a very tired and invalid gotcha which every third of fouth poster has thought they invented.

Lots of us have pointed out that our own MILs were the more involved grandmothers because our own mothers behaved like OP's MIL.

Don't behave like Lady Muck and actually make yourself useful and you'll be okay even if your offspring has a penis.

I have read all of your posts and YADNBU. She sounds like a PITA.

I'm sure it has been asked & answered but I can't find it-is she the same with other GC?

I saw your thread name and was about to vote YABU - as a SAHM part of my "job" is to facilitate contact with the GPs, but your MIL seems to be so hands off im not sure what she really wants.

FIL is nice but really has no child rearing skills so I understand why it's a faff. Conversely MIL is great, she likes to take a child to do an activity which is brill for my kids and MIL.

However if DH is unhappy you do need to speak to him, im a SAHM and whilst I understand the line "he couldnt build his career without me", frankly if I died tomorrow DH would just hire day and night nannies, if they earn well they simply pay for the care they need.

yanbu overall

I was aghast at grandparents going to antenatal classes too! What on earth? This just isn't a thing!

I'd have loved somebody playing with my babies and holding them or whatever, now and then. It does give you a bit of a break, even if only to put your feet up and drink your tea.

Could you encourage her about the little things, like face wiping or anything practical?

I do feel sympathy that husband isn't around much. Getting dad's help is a valuable thing. Plus he could encourage his mum. If she's never changed a nappy, would she be willing to learn how? Even if she's squeamish about poo, she'd probably cope with just the wet ones if you show her. It's a tricky situation, but rejecting all her generosity isn't great. There must be a workaround - but you need hubster to support you with it.

If she always had nannies she probably isn't very confident doing the practical stuff. It's only for a short time that kids need that anyway - give it a couple of years and she'll be brilliant with them. My MIL isn't great with little ones but now they are a bit older she loves playing card games etc. (Also I do agree with her re the seafood!)

… know exactly where your coming from, my MIL would much rather write out a cheque for XXX than mind her grandchildren or get hands dirty, when her own children were young either her own mother did caring or had an au pair.

Sorry if I’ve missed this in all of your posts. Does your MIL only have sons or daughters as well? I think it’s only natural that you want your own mum more than your husbands mum. I also wonder has she raised daughters? My sister married a man who was one of 4 sons and much as she loved her ILs she found that they didn’t seem to know what a daughter type relationship would be like. My own MIL died before I had kids but I expect she’d have focused more on her daughters as my mum did on me. I’ve only got boys and they aren’t at parent stage yet but I’m not imagining I’ll have a mum type relationship with women who have their own mum, although I’ll of course hope to be an involved and supportive gran.

This. The relationship you have with your own Mum is special to you, and no one is forcing you to feel close to your Mil, but you should foster the relationship your DC have with both sets of grandparents equally. How would you feel if your DH didn't want your Mum popping by?

aye, your mil sounds pretty useless tbf

I get it, your mum is your mum and no one can take that place. I say this having lost mine recently. She sounds very different from you and i dont like the tacky desighner logos either or big gestures, gentle kind support like your mum gives sounds like what you need and that is ok. Enjoy the nice bits like the kids clothes and fancy breaks away and let your hubby take the kids to his mums house. Just because you are family doesnt mean that you will be best friends.