To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

If dh wants the dc to see mil more he can manage that.
You can't force such a relationship.
Does dh see your dm without you ?
Thats never ever an expectation is it ?
.

I get not having the same relationship you have with your mum but I am a firm believer in that children should have equal relationships with their grandparents (bar the usual caveats about distance etc).

I can't see anything your MIL has done wrong. It seems many people on here nit pick at the SLIGHTEST thing for their MIL. Does it matter if she's "useful" to you. She clearly loves and adores her grandchildren, wants to play with them and treats them well financially. Rather than moaning she's not useful to you or won't handle a toddler tantrum, you should be grateful your children have a loving and involved grandmother. It's more than a lot of children have.

It seems though you are making excuses not to see her. The thing is if you want good relationships with families, there needs to be flexibility on all sides. I cant see anything wrong with her "expectations". It seems like she wants to facilitate good relationships with her family and you're looking for any excuses to back out.

Do you have sons? Would you not want to be involved in their children's lives? Would you be hurt if they made excuses or constantly sidelined you.

Your mum could drop dead tomorrow. Kids need all the grandparents they can get. Make an effort

YOU don't need to see her as much as your mum, but I think it's fair to provide reasonably equal opportunities for seeing the kids. Assuming she is safe with the kids obviously.

Does your mum do more babysitting than MIL? ie when you're not there? If yes, then I would keep offering MIL the chance to do this. You don't need to have a dentist appointment or whatever - you can just go for a run/swim/coffee. Next time she moans that your mum gets more time with them, say "well thank you! I would love more time to go swimming. These are the times the pool is open, when would work for you?" Then leave her to it with the kids, exactly the same as you do your mum. She'll have to cope with grumpy toddler then won't she. And she can't complain you are being unfair. If she doesn't want to do it again, bat all her moans back at her with "Of course you can see the kids - just let me know when you'd like to. I'd love another swimming session!"

In terms of seeing her as a family, that can be when DH is around too. If you enjoy her company you can do additional visits without DH if you want to.

You are obviously not going to have the same relationship with her that you do with your own mother
But shes just as much a Grandparent to your children as your mum is.

Obviously you don't have the longevity or closeness of relationship with MIL as you do your mum, but you do seem somewhat determined to paint MIL in a poor light and see the worst of her than anything else, when all she seems to be doing is trying to be part of yours and her grandchildren's lives.

Your husband also needs to get more involved too (taking his kids to see her, doing things with her etc), but honestly, take a step back and see the love behind her actions, not malice. And maybe you'll end up with a far better relationship with her than the one you are preventing right now.

You have a DH problem. It’s his job to find ways to include his mother, not yours.

It’s DH role to facilitate the relationship with his parents, not yours.

If he wants to spend his free time going to see them, he’s at liberty to do that. He doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your free time.

I never understand the posts on here about people moaning that their MIL might want to HOLD their newborn grandchild instead of cleaning the house top to bottom.

It seems if you're an MIL on here you can't win. MILs who want to be involved and hold their grandchildren or buy them gifts or God forbid "play" with them are moaned at for wanting to being too involved and not doing a weeks worth of batch cooking, laundry or housework for an OP rather than the main focus should be of a grandparents spending time with their grandchild, building relationships and bonds. Not being an unpaid maid for the OP.

They are then on other threads accused of not being involved or not providing childcare. It really seems you can't win whatever they do.

Is dh there to entertain her? I bet not. And that's why she doesn't get to come and go as she likes. It's not his place to choose your companions for you.

See as little of her as you please. He can hang out with her as he chooses.

You mentioned DH once. I think I know where the problem lies.

100%

Hmmm I’m pretty sure you’d be on here complaining if your kids weren’t being given the same attention and resources as other kids in the family

The woman has done nothing wrong and you are the sort we dread our sons marrying!

They are as much her grandchildren as they are your mothers

it is a shame you feel so threatened - just let your husband and kids go and be with her and you sit at home or pop round your mums?

And you definitely have a dh problem. She's not your mother and it's ludicrous she'd expect to be treated as if she was.

He can see her when he wants. And so can you.

I think you’re being mean. I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong, she’s trying hard to develop a relationship with you (not trying to take over from your mum in any way but doing her best) and she loves her son and grandchildren and YOU. I think you’re awkward and as the mother of sons it makes me feel very sad. Honestly, you just wish she didn’t exist and that’s so unfair.

It doesn't sound like you're deliberately trying to exclude MIL, it's just that she's offering/suggesting things that don't suit you/your life?

If DH thinks she's missing out, it's on him to steer her into making offers/suggestions that work better for your family.

This. As a mother of daughters, I encourage them to be equal and fair to their MIL, especially now they have their own children. It makes for a much better atmosphere and I love my sons in law so why would we not feel the same for their parents if they are decent people.

Somewhere in between YABU and YANBU. I don't think it's possible to recreate the relationship with your mum between you and MIL. I do think when MIL offers to come over and play with the kids you should try to say yes.

Sounds very much like if she won’t clean/cook, “help” then she isn’t welcome.
if a tantrum happened and she intervened when you were there, potentially you’d be unhappy with her reaction, sounds like she can’t win.
maybe there is a convo needed that whilst you are grateful for the clothes etc, they aren’t your style etc, I doubt she is doing anything to purposely annoy you, from what you’ve posted it sounds like you don’t want her involved. I don’t think she expects the same relationship with you as you have with your mum but wants the same relationship your mum has with the kids.

Also remember that your DMs primary relationship is with you. So she is more likely to do stuff for you. Your MIL primary relationship is with your DC (and her son). So she wants to play with the DC, buy them stuff etc.
Also as MIL its hard to step in to a DIL world and take over tasks. One is worried about doing it wrong. As evidenced in many threads on here. Much easier for your DM, who probably does stuff the way you do!
And yes your DH should facilitate the relationship between your DC and MIL. But there is no need to be a barrier to it.

I agree OP. My mum would come over almost daily when my baby was tiny, and she did everything for me while I sat cuddling my baby. The only time she held her was so I could have a shower. When my MIL visited, it was to hold the baby.

Do you have a baby boy OP? If so, you could be a MIL one day, how would you feel in these circumstances.

“DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?”

no he doesn’t think that or want that. or care. What he wants is for his mum to get off his case and stop complaining to him 😉

So guess what, he can take the kids over once in the week for dinner, and one day of the weekend! Then You have plenty of time to get your hair done and buy milk, and your mum won’t need to babysit so much 😉

Have you tried asking her to take the children out.

I get the relationship is never going to be the same as with your mum and I’m normally pretty firm in the dh’s mum is his problem. But yours doesn’t seem to of don’t anything wrong as such you just need to tell her if she wants to be treated like mum then be open to her like mum then she might behave more in a way you like as well.

But I’d definitely be letting her take the children out and every so often then ask her to babysit while I went out if she is willing and happy to.

Sil sees which Side her bread is buttered with her weather mil willing to invest in her and her children’s lives via trips, meals out and holidays and even clothes and gifts. You don’t have to accept that if you don’t want to but it would be silly to automatically turn down every offer as well.

Tell your DH you’re happy for his mother to drop in- when HE is at home to hang out with her.