To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime

Presumably she handles things because she is there looking after them & has to.

Has your MIL been asked to look after them or doesn't she want to?

If I was with my DIL & GC I probably would be expecting her to step in & sort stuff out if she was there for fear of overstepping.

Does your mum really come & go as she pleases?

I think you need to make of an effort so your kids have an equal relationship with both sets of grandparents. But equally your DH has to do more to make it work.

Ok. For full disclosure- I’m the mother of a man. I do hope my future DDil is a bit more generous than you!

For all the people saying why doesn’t DH facilitate this relationship? Maybe it is because you are the stay at home parent. You could get a job and allow DH to stay at home. He can then make sure his children develop a good relationship with his parents.

If this doesn’t work for you, you need to treat it as your part of the contract you and DH have, whereby he spends most of his time earning money and you are meant to care for the children. This includes ensuring DC have a good and equal relationship with both sides of the family. it’s not just about you, or even mainly about you!

you need to work harder on your relationship with DMIL than DM, because it will not be as easy - tough! The DC deserve an equal relationship with both.

As I said above. I do hope my DS’s wife will not be like you.

Mine?!? Why would you be talking about my family?!? Very odd. We are talking about the ops family. The op has stated she doesn’t want to see her MIL more, and her husband has told her she should. That’s in the op, and what we’re talking about.

Then OP will be on here whinging that all their ‘family time’ is taken up with seeing the in laws. If the grandparents live nearby then part of her role as SAHM should be to facilitate visits, especially if she is doing the same with her mum. Obviously for weekend stuff DH should be organising with his parents. Obviously she won’t enjoy it as much as seeing her own mum, that’s completely normal, but in my mind she doesn’t get to favour one set of GP over the other just because she has the luxury of staying home during the week.
Of course if she doesn’t want to stay home then she is presumably free to get a job, sounds like they could afford a nanny if need be given she’s keen to emphasise how much money the DH’s family want to throw at them.

Of course you love your mum.
and can grow to be fond of a MIL
it sounds like you sense she’s a bit overbearing and controlling and it’s making you put your guard up. Entirely understandable.
I think the best thing to do is to try to befriend her more. So she relaxes a bit and then you can gently hold on to your boundaries with her.
(she doesn’t need to know all the times you’re seeing your mum does she?)

You stated DHs family should only get to see the kids on weekends when he’s available, which is actually probably less than they currently see them, where as OPs family can see them 5 days a week as they’re her family. Your views on how transactional a family should be suggest yours could be a fairly sad one if your opinion is genuine.

I agree with your DH.

Both sets of parents should be treated the same.

Wtaf??? @harriethoyle

Oh I see youre an excluder too. Thanks but I'm not a grandparent, and I have a healthy loving relationship with my MIL who I make sure to treat as an equal grandparent, because she is .

Well I’m guessing that is because he is working and as the OP is a SAHM then by virtue of that she’s around the kids more and so more around for her MIL. It’s the kids that are missing out on building a relationship with one set of grandparents. If she’s never allowed to hang out and play with them then she’s not going to learn how to cope with their tantrums etc.
I find it hard to do the whole you deal with your parents and I’ll deal with mine bollocks we see on here. So many mothers in law get cut out of their grandchildren’s lives that way and no, it’s not the husbands fault because if he’s off working.

It says in the title of the thread that she doesn’t want MIL to be involved as much as her own mum, and that’s clear from the OP that she doesn’t just mean personally spending as much time with her, she means their family lives she wants MIL around less - that’s excluding her.

Sigh. Can you read the op again please? She already sees the MIL in the week. She just sees her mum more. The MIL and her husband want to dictate to her that she sees the MIL as much as her mum. My point, and many others, is that the disparity is for the husband to organise to catch up on a weekend.

I had the same (well similar, not exactly the same) with my own mum playing your MIL's role (right down to the exact same expectation that she'd "help" by cuddling my newborn so I could "get on with cleaning" - I very much did not want to hand my breastfed newborn over, plus I'd just had a caesarean section!). My MIL was like your mum - she came over to look after the toddler while I had my six week post partum check up (less paternity leave back then) and when I got home she'd cleaned the oven too!

YANBU

I'd be her best friend if she wants to book expensive holidays for me lol.

But I do think you are being a bit harsh.

Just go with it.

You never know she might grow on you more.

X

@cubistqueenbut it is the husbands fault if he’s not organising anything when he is off from work. The op hasn’t been back to clarify either way how much he facilitates, but the fact that she didn’t even mention him in the op suggests that it hasn’t occurred to either of them that he should be the one facilitating this.

Meh, each family is different. I wouldn't focus on any comparing between your mother and MIL. It is totally fine for you to be close to your mother and see her more.

Your DH is perfectly entitled to visit MIL and your mother as much as he wants to as well. If he takes the children to visit MIL would you tell him that he and the children have to spend equal time with your mother? No, of course you wouldn't, it is unreasonable to dictate who he spends time with.

You are not excluding MIL, you just set boundaries for the relationship you have with her. You do not have to be best friends, you do not have to treat her like you treat your mother.

Sigh, read your own posts back. Because that’s not what you said when I started replying to you.

so being closer to your own mum than to your husband's mother, who is very involved in your family, is "excluding" someone for you?

wow

OP- do you have a son?

My feelings and effort towards mil were altered / challenged when I had my son… and he became my world… and I realised that it was likely I would at one pt in the future by in a mil role and would expect / hope to be every bit as involved with my sons family as with my daughters.

I think you are being a bit mean to be honest and should lean into the relationship with you MIL a bit more.

If your role is managing the kids and DH is working, then naturally you will be the one arranging stuff with MiL etc.

you don't need to acquiesce to every demand, but it's important you facilitate a relationship with both sets of GP and without being too crass, if MIL has money, this could really help your kids as they get older, so play the long game

It comes at a huge price.

My own mother was just like the MIL. It very much is not worth getting enmeshed, because it's all on her terms (see coming over and telling a new mother she's arrived to hold the newborn so the newly postpartum mother can "do something useful").
The strings attached to any "favours" or financial gifts are very substantial and (having seen my sister get entangled but stayed out of myself) absolutely never ending and not worth it. You become a satellite of lady bountiful in a subordinate role, unable to say no without huge emotional blackmail and being reminded heavily that you're indebted.

My MIL sadly died before we had kids. I would have loved to have her involved in my kids. My own parents lived far away and never saw my kids more than once or twic3 a year. I feel my kids missed out on so much as did I cos i never had involved grandparents either.

I have noticed at Play and Stay, parents and toddler groups, there are always the cosy Mum and her mother unit. Occasionally, because the Mum wants to talk to other mothers, so they try to offload their own mother on me because I look old too. It is like Jilly Cooper said, 'everyone else's 'old people are awful, unless they are your mother , in which case they are a national treasure.'
I think it is unbelievably selfish to be a SAHM, dependent on your husband working god knows what hours to support you all and free as a SAHM to entertain your mother whenever you wish. You must know that your husband just doesn't have time to see his parents in the way that you see yours.Yet, you are determined to punish him and them by not entertaining his Mum once a week. I think a lot of men resent funding their SAH wives when in reality it means funding they MIL to be at their house all the time and alienating his parents. Most SAHms might be able to see how unfair that is.

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

Yes, you are.

I feel sorry for your MIL here.

I don't agree that only the husband should facilitate a relationship with her. It should be both of you.