To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

Of course you might not have the same relationship as you do with your mother, but you do seem to be finding fault. I have in-laws who have always done their best to make me feel totally unwanted and they’ve excluded my children, therefore to me your MIL sounds very welcoming, and I would have loved a MIL who takes an interest.

No you won't have the same relationship but you can try to build one. You seem to be sitting back and cataloguing faults instead.

Get over the different finances and see that your MIL is trying.

And in 5 or 10 years time you’ll be complaining that your kids don’t get what their cousins do.

she’s not trying to replace your mother, she’s trying to have a relationship with her grandkids.

I’d accept more that it’s her son’s job to maintain the relationship if you weren’t SAH. Reality is you’re home with kids more, so for her to be involved with the kids she pretty much had to go through you.

You seem to rely on your mum a lot for the very basics. Cleaning your kitchen? Going for milk? Good grief, get on with it.

Your mum sounds like the perfect mum who knows exactly when to be there and when not to be

It may be unfair on your Mil but that is never going to be replicated

Your own mum sounds way to involved. Obviously you don’t care for her or your husband’s opinions it sounds more like your and your mum’s babies the “others” are surplus to requirement. I hope you don’t have any sons as behaviour is learnt and you get a future daughter-in-law like yourself. Now ask yourself if you would be happy if tour brothers wife treated your mum the same way.

As usual, you have a DH problem. MIL is secondary.

I think the OP would not want him involving his mother, she, the OP, has made herself the family gatekeeper.

This whole post is YOU YOU YOU, what about what’s best for your kids?! Probably a great relationship with their grandma’s plural not just your mum.

The relationships are different however your MIL should be able to come and go and join in when your DH is there to facilitate it.
I have no daughters of my own so I’ll not be able to help out in the way you describe your Mum helping you.
If my sons choose to have children, I’ll be a MIL and have to hope that their future partners don’t mind me helping.
Nothing you’ve said about her sounds like she is awful, I have a feeling you being uncomfortable with their wealth is probably at the root of how you are feeling, you seem to think she is trying to buy your affections rather then her being generous.
Children should hopefully have a similar relationship to both sets of Grandparents and I would be careful that you’re not choosing one side over the other for them and they are missing out on doing things they’d love to do because of which grandparent is offering to do it with them.

Yabu I’m afraid. Get over your problem with Mil’s finances (I wonder if you are actually jealous about the money?) And remember the more people your dc have that love them and want to support them the better. It’s irrelevant how you feel about Mil compared to your mum, your DC’s relationships with their Grandparents should be allowed to be equal.

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies! Thank you - I really appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to respond.

A few themes keep coming up, so I thought I’d answer them here rather than individually.

“Where’s your DH in all this?”

He works very long hours, so most of MIL’s visits are actually at weekends when he’s home. She does occasionally see us during the week without him, but not very often. The issue is that during the week, if I want a grandparent to come over, it’ll nearly always be my own mum. That’s the bit MIL finds hurtful.

At weekends DH shares the childcare and, if I’m honest, he also manages a lot of the conversation with his mum. If she’s commenting that a child is upset because I gave them a biscuit when I shouldn’t have or complaining that they don’t like shellfish because I don’t expose them to enough of it, he’ll manage that conversation. During the week, when he’s at work, all of that falls to me.

“Why can’t you just ask MIL to help in the same way your mum does?”

Honestly, because she doesn’t want to help in that kind of way.

All of MIL’s children were raised with nannies, and I think that’s shaped how she sees being around children. She genuinely loves them, but she’s used to being the one doing the fun bits while somebody else quietly deals with everything else.

For example, if we’re out for lunch. MIL is happily sitting with the children, chatting and laughing. Once she’s finished her meal she’ll sit back, take a photo, scroll on her phone etc. Meanwhile I’m standing up because the baby only wants to be held upright, feeding my toddler with my free hand, cutting up someone else’s food, wiping sticky fingers, finding the dropped fork, taking one child to the toilet and trying to eat my own lunch in between. By the time everyone else has finished, I’ve barely touched mine.

It’s the same at home. If a drink gets knocked over, my mum is already grabbing a tea towel before I’ve even stood up. If a child needs changing, she’ll often just take them. If I’m trying to settle the baby, she’ll occupy the others without me asking. With MIL, I still feel like I’m the project manager. She’s there to enjoy the children, and if something goes even mildly wrong (a toy breaks, nappy needs changing, someone falls over) she max “help” she will be is making herself a coffee and sitting back whilst I deal with it.

“But surely she’s just trying to make memories?”

I think she is. And that’s lovely. The children enjoy seeing her.

But from my point of view, those outings aren’t relaxing. They’re more work than staying at home. I don’t wake up on a Tuesday thinking, I’d love to entertain someone today. If I ask someone over midweek, it’s because I need another pair of hands, not because I want to host.

That’s why I naturally call my own mum more often. Not because I love MIL less or think she’s a worse grandmother, but because my mum lightens my load. That’s a very different role from someone who mainly wants to enjoy the children while I continue managing everything else, and perhaps have more to manage because MIL might complain that my kids aren’t eating “well enough” at her favourite restaurant or MIL wants a photo and the kids aren’t playing ball.

“You dislike your MIL”

If I did, we wouldn’t invite her round, go on holiday with her or make sure she’s involved in birthdays, Christmas and all the family occasions. I just think she has a very different role in my life to my own mum. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. If I’m honest, a visit from MIL usually feels like more work for me. A visit from my mum usually feels like less work.

“You sound ungrateful for the gifts”
I’m genuinely not. They’re incredibly generous and I always say thank you.
That doesn’t mean I’ll love every single thing, though. If she buys the children matching outfits with huge logos all over them, I might quietly think they’re not my taste. That’s no different from one person loving floral wallpaper while another prefers plain white walls.

I hope that explains it a bit better. I don’t think MIL is a bad person at all. I just don’t think she can realistically expect to have exactly the same place in my day-to-day life as the person who’s been my mum for over 30 years.

Of course your relationship with your MIL is going to be different to that with your DM but you could make an effort with her as it sounds like she isn't doing anything wrong. Stop picking at what she does because it isn't how your Mum would do it

Those saying DH can sort out the kids visiting his Mum are being a bit unfair. He is at work presumably all week and you are a SAHM so you have more time. He should make the effort so the kids see her but so should you. You have many more hours than he does.

Would you be happy if he said you can start working and he will reduce his hours so he has more time to facilitate the relationship?

Why don't you try actually asking her for what you need - ask her to look after the kids while you get jobs done or go out for a bit? Ask her to babysit while you and DH go out.

Yet another MIL that can't do right for doing wrong.

"The issue is that during the week, if I want a grandparent to come over, it’ll nearly always be my own mum. That’s the bit MIL finds hurtful."

They are her grandchildren too, it isn't just about what you want. Ideally your children would see both sets of grandparents equally (subject to distances and assuming no safeguarding concerns).

“What’s the relationship between your DH And mum?”

Decent. If you asked him, he’d probably say she’s been an amazing MIL.

She’s never tried to replace his own mum or compete with her. She’ll bring over a few portions if she makes his favourite dinner, if she ever comes over and he’s “helping” with kids or housework she’ll insist he sits down and puts his feet up whilst she makes his cup of tea (“I bet you’ve had a busy week”), they actually have quite a similar sense of humour. But she doesn’t expect him to ring her every day or include her in every aspect of our lives. I think because she has realistic expectations, they’ve naturally become very close.

“Are you just jealous of the money?”

Honestly, no.

DH earns very well in his own right. He’ll be the first to admit that one of the reasons he’s been able to build his career is because I’ve stayed home with the children. He’s never had to leave a meeting because nursery rang, never had to do drop-offs or pick-ups, and we’ve always worked as a team so he could focus on work while I focused on home.

Equally, he has never been controlling financially. What’s his is ours, and he’s generous and fair. We’re comfortable and I’m genuinely not sitting here wishing I had access to his family’s money.

“Why can’t you just be grateful for the gifts?!”

I do appreciate them, and she’s super generous. But sometimes they don’t feel like they’re just gifts.

It can feel like “I’ve organised this lovely Sunday lunch, now make sure the children are beautifully dressed, smiling for photos and on their best behaviour.” or “Come on this amazing holiday” but then I’m still the one managing naps, meltdowns, meals, sunscreen, toilets and tired children while everyone else enjoys the holiday.

I hate saying this because it sounds ungrateful, but sometimes I feel less like another adult enjoying the day and more like the nanny making sure everything runs smoothly while everyone else enjoys the children. Not because MIL is trying to be unfair but because she’s always had 24/7 nannies for her kids and I am now playing the role of the nanny. I guess that’s why spending time with MIL can leave me feeling drained, whereas spending time with my own mum leaves me feeling supported. Those are two very different experiences.

I think I know where you’re coming from OP. Although for me it was the other way round. MIL has never been phased by anything, so asking her advice about a rash (for example), I’d get a calm sensible reply. Asking my DM I’d end up feeling like I’d caused her immense stress & worry because now she was worrying what dreadful illness the baby had.

My DM always wanted us to “do things”. Meals, outings etc, whereas MIL would be the one to come round & do the washing up if the baby was having a niggly sleepless day (I never asked her to by the way, she would insist on helping).

DM very much wanted well behaved children presented to her for a short visit than to actually ever look after them. MIL would always offer to look after them to give us a break, time for a nap etc.

Also if the MIL tried to clean up the kitchen she’d more than likely be hammered for interfering or implying the OP couldn’t cope etc. That’s why the MILs can’t win on here because it’s always viewed in a negative light by some people whatever they do.

Why does your husband feel he has to tell you!

But even just having someone come and entertain the children for a while is a relief? While you get on with something else? Yes you might have to change a nappy if required, but its still help. Just say can you look after the kids while i get some chores done, or something. Then theres no expectation of hosting and she gets to be useful amd be called on, like she wants.

But MIL doesnt do that. She can/will only look after the children for a few minutes. She doesn’t give OP time away except during the first previous baby cuddling days of recovery from birth.

This is my experience too.

I think it's the usual mn thing where mums of boys (I have boys too) are getting riled up and defensive because it's a MIL who is the one only interested in bestowing gifts, criticising parenting and enjoying curated moments, and the woman's mother who is practical.

However my experience was like yours - my MIL was the practical one and my own mother wanted curated grandmother experiences and to be consulted about things but not to get her hands dirty or be interrupted reading the Sunday papers. She literally expected to cuddle sweet smelling babies and have toddlers play at her feet, and have us join her with smartly dessed, well behaved small children at restaurants frequented by her friends so that they could admire.

My mum has dementia really bad ,plus she was an abusive mum ..well so my counsellor says .
So I never had that lovely mother daughter relationship.
I seriously thought when you got a mil or a fil or a sil ,you got a mother ,father sister .. especially as I didn't have any of that ever .
Sadly it was not to be.
mil had two daughters already,she had no need for a third in me .
30 years I've been part of their family..not that you would know it ..
You can't help how you feel op
And your mil ,like me, like I did ,will have to accept it .

@Ejvd
That’s the thing though - I can’t just disappear and do chores.
The best way I can describe it is that I end up feeling like the invisible nanny. You know in very wealthy families where the nanny is always hovering just out of shot? The children are having fun with the adults, but the nanny is the one quietly preventing accidents, wiping noses, fetching drinks, changing nappies and smoothing over every little crisis. That’s much more how it feels. MIL wants to enjoy playing with the children, which is absolutely fine, but she doesn’t really want the responsibility that comes with supervising them. So I’m always hovering, ready to swoop in if anything needs dealing with: if a child grabs her glasses, climbs somewhere unsafe, needs the toilet or has a meltdown, I’m the one who steps in She’s call me straight back if I went upstairs.

You're definitely allowed different relationships, it's inevitable you'd be more comfortable having your mum around at times you're vulnerable or telling her things in more direct terms. MIL sounds great though. Maybe she's booking things and planning things for the family because she's not being invited over as much?

Now I do appreciate that my MIL will ask us if things work for us first and while I love her, there is the odd thing that's a little bit grating but I'm sure she's had the same from me and kept quiet!

Why don't you try leaving the kids with MIL while you go out for an hour since your mum gets alone time with them? Maybe that would build her confidence to deal with tantrums / clean them up - she might be worried about overstepping if she's just there as a visitor.