To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

Op, I think you are being unfair to your MIL and I am speaking as someone who had a terrible MIL( she is deceased ))

Obviously you are not going to have the same relationship as you do with your own mother, but it seems to me that you are not putting in the effort to foster a good relationship with your MIL .
You nitpick at everything she does . From your posts , she doesn’t come across as particularly controlling. It just seems that she wants a closer relationship with you and her grandchildren .
I get the impression that you are a little intimidated by her wealth

I'm actually so jealous of you. You have your lovely mum and a MIL who wants to see and support you but because you aren't willing to be flexible it irritates you. Gosh you're lucky.

First of as all the point is not really the relationship with you, it's between your MIL and her grandchildren

and that could not summarise better why and how you have MIL from hell.

It's ALL about their mum. And dismissing her is why you have problems.
The OP is not blocking her at all but nice projecting!

I sincerely hope you do not have that nasty attitude towards a DIL.

Maybe I missed it but how old are the kids. Can't she take the kids out without you to give you a break as well.

YANBU, OP. She sounds very hard work and demanding. Would you consider going no contact? You need to do put yourself first
@mtrkk

Is your DH expecting you to spend all this time with her? Because if so, he's dreaming. He's welcome to see his mum as much as he wants but he can't expect you to facilitate it!

There’s an opportunity here for you to be more authentic about your thoughts and feelings. You could be honest and say that a) your mum is your mum, and of course you have a different relationship with her, and b) she comes over and helps ( that’s not necessarily an own mum thing, my MiL used to come and clean my kitchen) and c) you don’t like like labels and logos on clothes, so if she wants to buy stuff for the DC please could it be logo-free.
If you want MiL to babysit while you go to hairdressers/ dentist, have you asked her?

Obviously you won't have the same relationship as your own mum but you are being unfair and seem like you think she's snobbish or chavvy with her branded logo clothes and spoiling the grandchildren. Everyone is different and will occupy a different role in your children's life. And indeed if you have sons, you will be in this situation if they have children. So don't be too harsh or snooty to your MIL or you may regret it!

Let her come over whenever is convenient, let DH take the kids and have one on one time with his family with them, especially once the children are older. Let her spoil them/your family and just be open to things.

If she then expects or demands, DH can set her straight, but there is no prizes for reverse snobbery/forced humbleness just for the sake of it. I don't like big garish branded clothes but let's not pretend there is much of a difference between expensive french/Boden/outdoor brands clothes and say Ted Baker or Dior kids. They just signal different things to people and serve different purposes if outdoor brand. But much the same material etc

If your children are young she perhaps needs to find her feet in terms of mucking in with tantrums and snotty noses. Some MILs would be ripped apart for trying to be involved like that - overly familiar & trying to replace mum etc etc

Perhaps you could say, oh yes let's go for lunch at this child friendly spot or nat trust property, or you're welcome to come over for a cup of tea, would you mind bringing some bits for dinner from the shop as I haven't been able to get out etc. If she seems reluctant then you know what she is comfortable with and just accept the relationship as is, not punish her by being less close. Perhaps she just wants to be the wealthy glam-ma type! As long as she is kind and normal then I would accept and find some common ground! As you would with anyone.

Your MIL should be arranging things through DH, don't become the family liaison officer for DH but conversly, don't make yourself the gatekeeper of your children who have 2 equal parents.

Please treat MIL how would would like treated when you become a MIL. You're kids may be small now but one day you'll be the Granny...

You sound like you really look down on your MIL, she’s obviously trying her best but it’s not her fault you aren’t her daughter, and your DH seems to not really exist in all this. It’s fine you are closer to your mum, totally natural. It shouldn’t really impact your kids though and you can be closer to your mum without judging your MIL all the time, you opted to marry her son knowing about their money, and I very much doubt your MIL has ever asked you why your child doesn’t wear outfits that have ‘DIOR written in large font on the front’ like you claimed

I think it’s a really tough role being a mil.

This in your post really sticks out to me.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved.

Why are you commenting on the relationship woth your bil
and sil? How does it affect you? It’s almost like you want them to have as equally hostile relationship with your mil to make you feel better.

It’s not a nice trait, and doesn’t reflect on you well.

I don’t know if you have boys, but if you do, you need to teach them they have 2 sets of grandparent. Children won’t thank you for keeping them at arms length.
However your dh needs to do the drudge on maintaining those relationships toj his parents, rather than adding to your load.

Just to add, you seem to look down at her because she has money, bet you don’t refuse it when she dies though.

Wonder if she feels she’s treading on egg shells around you?

Building a relationship is what her MIL is trying to do. It's the OP who doesn't want to take the time.

TG he OP seems to be at home while her husband works. That's why she is the one managing the baby's days most of the time.

I was incredibly close to my paternal grandmother, would stay with her for weeks without my parents.
she was an eccentric, brave extraordinary person. We went all sorts of adventures and I loved nothing better than listening to all her stories of a life full of experiences.
She gifted me so much in outlook and the ability to embrace life, plus some incredibly awful clothes from her jumble sale ‘granny bag’ 💼
it seems this MIL concept is modern, I don’t recall it being a concept in my childhood that we would be closer to my mum’s mum

It depends though. If not getting into a rota means spending the whole holiday with her family every year, that's a different story.

Irrelevant.

So yep it's definitively not his place to decide who op sees and she won't be pretending mil is her mother. Time for him to see his mother more. Time for OP to continue making her own choices.

OPs not a resource to be distributed to demanding family members.

Mil sees them plenty. If her son wants more he can do more with his own mother. Sorted.

I really don’t understand people like you OP!
I have two boys (12 and 8) and we have a WhatsApp chat called “Boys Babysitting”. In there I will put all requests for example: “Saturday 18th July, DC1s birthday party, who wants DC2” MIL/FIL will come back and say yes or no, and the same for my Parents. Usually they both say yes - and I ask DC whose house they want to go to and put it on the WhatsApp group.
Why not do something similar with your MIL/Mum?
Your relationship will never be the exact same - but she sounds like a lovely Grandmother who is trying. her first relationship is with her son - your DH, and her GC, not you, and whilst you don’t HAVE to facilitate a relationship with your MIL if you don’t want to, it does sound like she is trying in her own way.

Of course you won't have the same relationship as you do with your own mother! That's a no brainer. But your MIL doesn't sound like she's done anything remotely wrong or terrible. She's just a different personality. But she's related to your kids by blood and I believe children should have as many caring people in their lives as possible. It's also good for you to know that you have other support just in case life takes an unfortunate turn, because it can very easily as I know to my cost. And yes, I think she's right about the occasional lunch out with all the family. The baby can nap in his pram at 1pm and it won't hurt your other child to try "different" food for heaven sake. You sound very rigid OP and I expect your DH is fed up. If you feel that strongly then tell him that you don't want anything to do with his mother and he must facilitate all contact henceforth. It won't do your marriage much good, but that's the only solution.

Because she doesn't want to.

That sounds so unkind @ToffeePennie!!! Imagine being the grandparent not chosen??

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events

what more do you want the OP to do?

Your mum is your mum! She raises you.
MIL is a guest in your house

Of course it's not the same relationship,

OP sees her plenty. Her son can organise himself and see his mother more. OPs not a resource to be distributed to demanding family members.

It's not her fault she isn't your mum. You aren't ever going to feel the same about her but your children are her grandchildren in exactly the same way they are your mum's grandchildren. If you aren't keen encourage DH to facilitate more contact. It's his mum after all.

Why don’t you start to build a relationship with her. It won’t be the same as your Mums. That’s impossible.
But it can still be a good relationship. Invite her to these ordinary things - maybe 1 in 3 times.
Everyone will benefit.
Its also ok to be honest. Tell her I like you, I want us to be closer. For me that would be spending time at an activity or whatever it is. We have plenty of clothes for the children, let’s take them to the beach etc.

Yep. This.

Husband can see his mother more, and while he's at it tell his mother to stop moaning to him about his wife.

MIL needs to talk to her son

It's that simple

She cannot have the same relationship with you because she is not your mum. You can tell her and your DH very plainly that your mum does stuff that gives you more quality time with your baby not a rest from it

When you want/need a rest MIL will be as welcome your mum is. But her current presumption is her issue not yours

Your DH needs a quick reminder that you and his child are his priority. His mum already raised her kids, now it is his and your turn