AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-40304433

op if your DD is still reluctant to speak to police in the morning, please show her this. Your post made me think of it straight away.

Real life case in the news where a woman was sent to prison because she was sending texts like that and the recipient actually did kill themself.

Your DD needs to understand that her ex may send similar messages to others and it may have more serious consequences and therefore you have a responsibility to report this.

Emails sent to your school’s DSL (designated Safeguarding lead) should be checked daily, even in school holidays .

Don’t go to the parents ffs.

Regardless of proof, the police need to be informed. Just even so it’s on record in case he does it to someone else.

After contacting the police, email the school so it’s on their record as well.

And keep everything in writing.

If any messages come in turn on your own phone and start recording before you read the message?
The boy sounds disturbed, I'd contact police if he sends any more messages telling her to kill hetself.
The police can tell his parents when they look into it. I wouldn't contact them personally.

She’s not made it sound like she’s more concerned about the rumours in any way whatsoever. Why on earth do you people do this?! 🙄

`Why are some posters incapable of reading - or understanding - words.

OP did NOT say the allegations were at the same level of concern as the instructions to her DD. If you are so stupid can't say anything at all remotely sensible, why bother to post at all.

My son is a similar age and his school have an urgent wellbeing/safeguarding email that is monitored during all school holidays. Does your daughter’s school have anything similar?

i am not sure if you are aware but 'go kill yourself' whilst horrible is just a very common expression in gaming which has now worked its way into mainstream youth culture. Like you i was horrified the first time I heard it but it is a wellknown put down in this demographic. It is not nearly as strong as you and other posters are imagining.

This is pretty much exactly what I would do OP. I also wouldn't tell my daughter until after I'd been. You're already following her wishes not to go to the police, so you don't want her vetoing this too. Chat to his parents first, mention that you are concerned they would want to know and that your DD doesn't know you are there. That way, if it becomes any sort of issue with friends, she can very honestly say she didn't know you had gone.

Hopefully the parents are reasonable and you can state what's happened and leave them to it. If they do seem receptive, you may want to ass what you would like to happen next. I personally wouldn't be asking for any sort of apology, just for him to stop immediately and also not contact any of you again.

If the parents give any signs of being unreasonable, I'd get out of there ASAP as they have fixed views of their son that you won't change.

For what it's worth, I haven't been in this situation with any of my four, but I do think I'd still be going to the police. Easier said than done when you have a teen begging you not to though.

Go to the police, not the parents. You have no idea what they are like.

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I mean technically this is true, police can obtain an order to forensically examine a phone and restore deleted chats but they aren't going to do it just to retrieve alleged abusive messages that they haven't even seen any evidence of. That's absolutely not proportionate or a rational use of resources.

This isn't true. Please stop with your incorrect advice.

Google is not always correct. Listen to the people who deal with this every day.

If any messages come in turn on your own phone and start recording before you read the message

Or just take photos of her screen with your phone when the messages are there

She's a child. It doesn't matter whether she wants to go to the police or not, you as the adult make that decision.

You gave her a phone and you facilitated this relationshipin Now take responsibility for the harm that is being done to her.

Police can retrieve Snapchat messages. Teach your child about the seriousness of lying to police.

Police will not be able or willing to retrieve these messages.

Don't go to the parents plz. Straight to the police.

I would also report this to the safeguarding lead at their school. They will be able to keep an eye on things and possibly keep them apart as well as knowing if there have been any other concerns.

No, they absolutely cannot.

You have have had good advice here but can I just council you to do nothing in haste. You very much need to protect your relationship with your daughter and I think you should revisit the conversation when she has had time to calm down and you can talk more sensibly. She will be in full flight mode, and understandably not want to immediately involve the police as she will be frightened of the consequences of that. You need to help her understand that this is a necessary course of action, but she needs to understand the why, and even if she doesn't completely agree, she at least needs to feel she has some input. You need her to trust your judgement on this, but you also need her to feel she can trust you, that you have her best interests at heart, and that she can tell you anything and know that you will find an answer together. Otherwise the next time something happens, she may not tell you about it at all.

I agree with pp about going to the police, even if she doesn’t want to.

Before I did so, I would have a good read back of all of her messages right to the beginning of their relationship. And I would try to get to the bottom of why they split up in a conversation with her tomorrow.

It’s possible that she hasn’t treated him very well whivh has been the catalyst for the messages, and why she doesn’t want to report. Although in that scenario I would still want to report the messages.

But, my concern would be that a boy sending messages like that also has the potential to have done something awful in real life, which caused the breakup. And the messages could be the tip of the iceberg.

I have a teenage boy and would want to know, but what are the parents like? Are they rough? Would they be receptive?

They absolutely can. Whether they are willing is a different story.

https://help.snapchat.com/hc/en-gb/articles/7012327251348-How-Snap-Inc-Works-with-Law-Enforcement