Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

369 replies

ittakesalongtimr · 18/07/2026 23:47

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 00:14

And yes, fully agree; he soinds incredibly toxic, controlling and inflammatory

OP posts:
Glidinglikeaswan · 19/07/2026 00:14

I wouldn't go to the parents. This behaviour may run in the family; he learnt it from somewhere.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 00:17

Have you got screenshots/photos of the messages?

What a horrible, messed up boy.

Going to the parents is not enough.

GreenFootstool · 19/07/2026 00:17

Take the phone off her overnight. Don't allow her to delete these messages without copying them. Photograph them with your phone if nothing else.

You are the adult here with a child threatening suicide - she doesn't get to choose the next steps.

You urgently need to speak to his parents for his own safety. If you can't contact them you're left with the police to carry out a welfare check as the priority issue.

Whether his messages amount to harassment or malicious communications is up for debate but right now you have a suicidal (allegedly) teenage boy who has no adult who appears to be aware of his issues.

Millie2008 · 19/07/2026 00:19

NuffSaidSam · 18/07/2026 23:51

I'd tell the school and the police. Don't get involved with the parents.

Is this the same one who was messaging about the football a few days ago?

I agree with this

PollyBell · 19/07/2026 00:20

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 00:13

thank you all.
DD is absolutely adamant I’m not to call the police and says she won’t talk to them / will delete everything, she became hysterical at prospect of it, as it was my initial thought. She’s so vulnerable tonight I don’t want to against her wishes (begging) about the police. I guess it’s why I thought me going round (not
in an aggressive manner, I’m the least confrontational person in the world) but to say I think you need to know what your son has sent DD and it includes serious rumours about me and our marriage which could be devastating to some families and I think you should know. And then likely walk away as I’m not sure a helpful conversation will ensue.

Why hasn't the number been blocked

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/07/2026 00:24

You take the phone off her and you call the police. You're the adult. She's the scared child. You don't follow her lead, you lead. This is what we do when men abuse us. We report them to the police. We expose them. And if rumours spread in school you counter with the truth. And she grows up learning she shouldn't be ashamed of being abused. And he grows up learning that your actions have consequences.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/07/2026 00:25

Also. The rumours about you shagging someone are neither here nor there. He's telling your daughter to kill herself. You need to focus on that.

gillefc82 · 19/07/2026 00:26

GreenFootstool · 19/07/2026 00:17

Take the phone off her overnight. Don't allow her to delete these messages without copying them. Photograph them with your phone if nothing else.

You are the adult here with a child threatening suicide - she doesn't get to choose the next steps.

You urgently need to speak to his parents for his own safety. If you can't contact them you're left with the police to carry out a welfare check as the priority issue.

Whether his messages amount to harassment or malicious communications is up for debate but right now you have a suicidal (allegedly) teenage boy who has no adult who appears to be aware of his issues.

I think you’ve misread the OP. The ex boyfriend has told OP’s daughter that she should jump off a bridge and kill herself, not that he’s considering doing that.

HS Governor here @ittakesalongtimr - this definitely needs to be reported to the DSL at school and I personally would involve the police. From your posts, it doesn’t seem like you know the family too well, so you’ve no idea how you going round to the house would be received- regardless of how calm and non confrontational you are about it. Don’t risk this blowing up further - let the police handle it.

Blueberries0761 · 19/07/2026 00:27

GreenFootstool · 19/07/2026 00:17

Take the phone off her overnight. Don't allow her to delete these messages without copying them. Photograph them with your phone if nothing else.

You are the adult here with a child threatening suicide - she doesn't get to choose the next steps.

You urgently need to speak to his parents for his own safety. If you can't contact them you're left with the police to carry out a welfare check as the priority issue.

Whether his messages amount to harassment or malicious communications is up for debate but right now you have a suicidal (allegedly) teenage boy who has no adult who appears to be aware of his issues.

The boy is telling the OP's daughter to kill herself, he isn't suicidal.

@ittakesalongtimr , I agree with others - talk to the school and police. Don't speak to the parents, that might make things worse since you don't know anything about them/ how they'll respond.

Mapletree1985 · 19/07/2026 00:29

It's too bad she won't talk to the police. This boy needs to be thoroughly scared, and no girl is going to be able to do that, nor his parents. Does your DD understand that the police will not arrest him?

Franjipanl8r · 19/07/2026 00:30

You are the adult, you get to decide the next steps. Screenshot all the messages, call the police and tell your DD calmly afterwards what you’ve done. You need to show her that serious actions have serious consequences and that some things can’t be ignored and swept under the carpet. If you don’t take action on this, you’re actively minimising and normalising it.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 00:31

Blueberries0761 · 19/07/2026 00:27

The boy is telling the OP's daughter to kill herself, he isn't suicidal.

@ittakesalongtimr , I agree with others - talk to the school and police. Don't speak to the parents, that might make things worse since you don't know anything about them/ how they'll respond.

Show quote history

This.

thereisnomeaning · 19/07/2026 00:31

I would go to the police and explain to my DD that he needs to learn this behaviour isn't okay. How would she feel if he did it to someone else and that person did kill themselves? I would take this very seriously.

I wouldn't worry about any rumours that I was sleeping with someone else. I'd know I'm not and anyone who believes it isn't worth my time.

tara66 · 19/07/2026 00:32

OP you have a duty to inform the police.
Otherwise there can easily be repeat behaviour with someone else etc.
They will know better how to deal with the situation.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 00:32

She's hysterical because she's terrified of him. The police must be involved.

WoollyandSarah · 19/07/2026 00:32

Would she consider the police, if you explain that he will do this again, to another girl, who might be in a state where she takes him seriously and does kill herself? Reporting to the police isn't always about ourselves, but can be about other vulnerable people.

Original poster
ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 00:32

Unfortunately I can’t screenshot as the messages for her to kill herself were sent on snap chat and they disappear (smart boy). I heard 3 before they vanished. She did block his number but worryingly he created new accounts within minutes to contact her. I now have her phone and nothing has come in since.

OP posts:
Crumpetring · 19/07/2026 00:35

I’m so sorry your DD is going through this OP

Original poster
ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 00:36

Fully agree the messages about her killing herself are the most serious. However, I do also think rumours about my alleged affair with a dad at school are serious too. Luckily he’s not, but if my DH was abusive/ paranoid and believed
this rumour (or the partner of the dad he has named) that could lead to a serious domestic abuse incident. My hope is her parents will speak to him to explain why this is so serious (but appreciate I am possibly very naive)

OP posts:
tara66 · 19/07/2026 00:36

He still needs to get some sort of a police record and hopefully a visit. Explain to police why you don't have proof.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 00:38

Get your own phone ready to record her phone's screen as they come in and gather as much evidence for the police as you can. I believe Snapchat sends a notification to the sender of a screenshot being taken.

Wayk · 19/07/2026 00:39

You poor daughter. What a nasty young man he is. Please report to police. He needs to be taught a lesson. He will strike again.

IMakeHisNervesBad · 19/07/2026 00:39

Police

Splcam · 19/07/2026 00:41

Data can be recovered from phones even if deleted and/or from the platform (there is an international agreement on this for firms like Snapchat based in the US). She doesn't need to talk to the police, you are a witness to what happened. And victim for that matter. Just tell them what happened and let them investigate. If they think there are grounds, they can seize his phone under PACE 1984 and recover data from it.