AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

I would gently talk to dd, and tell her it’s very very likely that he will do this to other girls too, and they may not be like dd, and have nowhere to turn (and may become desperate enough or cornered enough to harm themselves) so the police have to know - to protect other girls. If you can frame it, that dd is safe but other girls might not be, that might be enough.

Has she seen adolescence?

Ultimately, whether she agrees or not, op you do need to tell the police, it’s too serious. You are the adult here, and he needs to be stopped.

I wouldn’t contact the other parents. The police will take care of it. They may not take it well coming from you, and could put pressure on you not to report to the police..

I imagine early intervention and even prevent will be deployed to address the underlying issues (It could be incel related or other on. Line material) This absolutely needs to be properly investigated.

No one is going to take any notice of made up rumours about an affair from a jilted teenage boy, I would give no further thought to that, but encouraging suicide is extremely serious, and can not be ignored.

I hope your dd is feeling better today. The school need to know in due course, before September. She would benefit from some counselling too. This hasn’t been a good experience for her at all. 💐

In that case speak to school, let them deal with it and tell them you are open to speaking to his parents

The school is closed for six weeks, she needs to contact the police.

This is a police issue and also school need to know. Do not ignore this.

There will be a DSL monitoring an inbox.

Op, I had a similar situation with my DD and her “friend” recently. I told the mum straight away and she couldn’t have cared less. I ended up speaking to safeguarding at school and reporting it. It isn’t healthy behaviour (nothing to do with gaming) and needs addressing.

No, DD is a child. You are the adult here who is in charge of keeping here safe. Police ASAP.

I know. I just had a kick from one of the poor, sad bastards as well, on another thread. Not that I'll give them the satisfaction of replying.

This is why 14 -15 year olds shouldn’t have snap chat or social media!

take the phone off her .

report to police

Police. You are the adult and you need to get on top of this. He’ll do it to her again or someone else. What a nasty little shit.

You might be older but you are certainly also more wise.

Yes, Take details and shots of phone into local Police ... ASAP.

He must have been brought up by a toddler.

Don’t tell the parents! Tell the police! I know your dd is scared to - I was in my 20s let alone teens! You need to make the adult decision for her. I regret not saying anything sooner.

I would want to know if I was the parent of the boy but I’d email
the safeguarding lead at school
and not contact the parents directly (unless you know them very well).

Agree with this..you have the life experience, you are the parent. You make the decisions and know what's best. You need to remove her phone and block his number.

Police and email the school, someone will be there picking up emails at some point over the holidays.

This could very easily have been a different horrifying thread if she had acted on his words, that’s exactly what has happened to other lovesick emotionally unstable teens over the years. He sounds messed up and quite dangerous, boys don’t grow out of that behaviour they grown into it and he will be someone’s absolute nightmare in a few years if people don’t take his words and actions seriously now.

Tell the school immediately. They will contact authorities.There will be a safeguarding lead to cover this over the holidays.

Our DS got beaten up on his way home from school (needed stitches) just for being gay.
We contacted the other lads parents (one is a vicar!!) and they honestly just didn't care.
Of course DS begged us not to contact the police, but we overruled him and Thank goodness we did because they were wonderfully supportive and helpful.

Even DS now agrees it was the right thing to do.
At 14 your DD won't have judgement to know what is in her best interest right now. You have to advocate for her.

Our safeguarding team work through the holidays.. I would contact them on the off-chance. I hope the toxic little shit gets a good scaring from the police.

Report it to the police 100%.

If this where my sons ( I have two young ones) and the other parents went to the police I would be happy they had my son would clearly deserve it, if they came to my door I would absolutely be disgusted and angry at my sons. However not everyone is the same , I would 100% go the police . This makes me so angry , your poor DD. Sending her and you love.

I would call 101 and email the school.

Your DD doesn’t get a say.

It might be worth taking her phone off her for 24 hours just until she calms down.

Police and school - school will still have someone checking messages for safeguarding reasons usually.
what a little shitbird

To add I wouldn't bother with the school they'll do nothing.

I was bullied by a boy at school terrible, he threatened me etc, until my DM went the police next minute he was excluded....don't bother with the school.

Report to the police . These messages are worrying and tbh you don’t know if his parents would take them seriously

She’s a child, so she gets no say in what you do next. Your poor DD. What a horrible experience.

I would absolutely go to see the parents first, and talk to them. Tell them if it continues you will involve the police. And log it with the school via email.

hopefully the parents will be responsive and this way you can keep your daughters trust, but if she gets one more message like that, I would stress to her that you must and will report this to the police.

also, ignore PP saying you were making this about you… some people like to derail threads and provoke for reactions.