AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

School has now broken up for holidays and I don’t think anyone will be checking emails over the summer (perhaps I’m wrong though). I do think I need to tell them before the start of next year but will start with the police.

I’m not focusing on it! I simply word-vomited the jist
of the messages that had upset her (allegations of me being sl*t and doing XYZ with a parent peer) and the one that concerned me most (him telling her to kill herself).

Yes, make 101 your focus and see what happens from there. By the time school starts again hopefully things will have moved on and it’ll be out of your hands (in terms of being handled by police). You would only be able to say “someone” has done this if you reported to school, not name them. What a horrible situation, your poor daughter.

I'm sorry you're going through this, sorry for your daughter, you're a caring mum, there's always someone who enjoys putting the boot in on here, just ignore them.

I know you are now going to go to the police but this is so important. This needs to be on record in case his behaviour escalates with other partners. He clearly has a problem if sending vile messages like that to your dd.

Absolutely this. There are times when parents need to take control against their DC’s stated wishes and this is one of them.

I hope very much the messages can be recovered as this is very serious. He needs to be spoken to by the police and there should be consequences at school as well.

The age of criminal responsibility in England and wales is 10. It’s 12 in Scotland. Thats the age that experts have decided that minors understand and should be responsible for their actions. This boy is a future rapist/ abuser in the making.

Contacting the police now could save countless women in the future. I realise that your chief concern is your DD but she is in the grip of fear and is not able to make rational decisions. Call the police not the parents. This is serious and he needs to be stopped

If I were you I would screenshot absolutely everything. Keep your daughters phone and go through every single message. Then once you've got all the facts straight, go to the police.

I would try informing the parents. I have a teen son and would absolutely want to know if he ever sent those sort of messages to another person. They might not care, they may even be the problem, but they may also be decent parents who will address the behaviour. I’d give it a crack in the hopes it’s the third option. I don’t think you really have much to lose from trying.

Email safeguarding at school - it should be checked over the holidays - and also contact the police. Speak to your DD and explain that whilst she is strong as has you for support the next of his victims might not be.

Oh, the police a thousand times over. Quite apart from it being the right thing to do, it'll give the nasty little boy such a shock that it might turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Make sure there's no warning from you or your DD that the police might show up. They'll just talk to him, but he won't know that at first.

Wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Oh give over. You’re the one creating an unnecessary ‘thing’ here.

This was my thought, I’d absolutely want to know if DD was sending messages like these. In my head it wouldn’t have to be a hostile conversation, more
a “this isn’t about our kids’ relationship or break up, and I’m not here to speak to your DS, but I wanted to make you aware he’s sent XY to DD as I would want to know this as a parent.

OP, these people are on every thread. They come along and make something up out of thin air just to get at the OP. I read your posts and what this person said would never have occurred to me. Just ignore them.

No, she doesn't think that. She made a valid point about the potential ripple consequences of starting vile rumours. Meaning that it's another reason to go to the police, on top of what he's done to her DD.

Your reading of her intent is strange and paranoid.

This 100%.

Your DD is obviously very scared of this boy. You are the parent so you make the decision to take her phone to a police station in the morning.

Yes, ignore

The police can’t retrieve those messages. There are long running legal cases where social
media companies have not retrieved deleted message history.
Maybe for a murder case but no way for this. I would speak to / contact the boys parents and tell them what’s happened. I would also tell them that I was going to the police. I would 100% report his behaviour. I would not be getting in my car and driving to a police station because this is not an emergency. It’s a safeguarding issue that needs to be dealt with but your DD is not at risk of serious harm tonight.

I think your daughter is too young to have a say here. She is likely worried about repercussions for herself if she goes to the police. Sometimes teens just need an adult to tell them what is happening rather than be given a say.

This is a criminal matter and you'd be best off letting the police deal with notifying his parents.

You have zero idea how they would react and you could be making things worse for your daughter.

That would depend on the parents though. And although some loving caring parents do wind up with very troubled kids it is possible the parents are a bit "troubled" themselves. You will then find yourself facing aggressive parents who claim their son shits gold and that you are making everything up (let's face it you don't have any proof). Their golden boy can then keep on harrassing your daughter and might even turn on you/your family. Please go to the police. Even though you don't have any proof just give them her phone because he will likely continue and then they can trace him. Go first thing in the morning and do not let your daughter be responsible for this decision. This is serious- you have no idea what this disturbed boy is capable of.

The designated safeguarding lead is likely to be checking in at least occasionally

You’re making it sound like you care more about the rumours about you, than your daughter being told to kill herself... I think when we’re very upset we can do this, let’s not forget that.
You need to get some perspective. The police need to be told, not least because unfortunately that’s likely the only way this lad is going to get any psychological help of any kind!