AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

‘Read the thread’? What? You mean…..actually engage with the thread rather than just read the title and then plop your opinion in because it’s obviously a Very Important Opinion? 🤦‍♀️😂

Have you read any of OPs posts yet? You might find them interesting?

To everyone who has posted this morning - if you select "see All" on the OP's first post you will see that she has already contacted the police.

Disgusting behaviour from the lad, he deserves the police visit - also disgusting that the police are taking so long to visit to obtain the facts. Please keep us updated as to what happens.

Read all this is there other posts?

this. All of this.

You’ve done well op. I’m sure your DD will eventually see that in the future. She needs to understand that just because she asked you not to call the police, it doesn’t mean her request was the right choice.

I despair of the younger generation if they are so casually telling people to kill themselves. Someone will eventually take that to heart who is suffering with their mental health.

@ittakesalongtimr can you confirm if you have or are going to speak to his parents or are you waiting on speaking with the police first? It's a horrible situation and I think you need to give yourself grace as you are doing the right thing taking it so seriously even if DD can't see that right now

The OP has posted 15 times. Select "See all" at the bottom right hand corner of the OP's first post and it will bring up just her posts.

I mean read. If you go to 'see next' or 'see all' you can read the posts that the OP has made and make an up to date opinion rather than an outdated one. You don't need to read pages and pages of posts.

I didn't realise that people did just comment on the title. Is this a thing?

I hope that this helps! 😎

Yes I know. I just seem to have come across a huge amount of threads this morning that are days old and people are suggesting things that were first suggested days ago, things the OP has already said or done.

I know you can read all OPs posts, I frequently let people know this too.

Suggesting people read OPs posts is often met with ‘oh I don’t have time to read eleventy billion pages’ and they don’t realise all you have to read is what OP has written. It’s frustrating.

... and it certainly doesn't lead to reliable and informed responses and advice which is actually what the OP is seeking.

I don’t know if your DD is in a place that would allow this but could you go through her phone and the new messages that have come in together? So you can make a record of anything else that is being said for the police and your DD doesn’t feel completely shut off from her whole social circle.

I wouldn’t underestimate how hard the week would be if she just had to spend a week with no phone. That in itself and it being the start of the holidays would probably have made for a hard week all round, but you have that, the horrible things from her ex and her upset about the police all going on at once 🫠

I’m sure in the future OP when she’s older she’ll look back and know you’ve done the right thing. Parenting teens and navigating this can be so hard. Whilst young people might use ‘oh go jump off a bridge’ or similar as a joke the context and messages your DD received really does sound malicious and as we all know, illegal.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

What he said to your DD is dangerous and it's right to prioritise that first. But what he said about you is also very serious, and damaging to you. I think when the police come to see you, I would raise this issue too. When they go to see the boy they should give him a stern warning on your behalf. The fact is he has defamed you, ie libelled you and damaged your reputation. No wonder you feel upset. Can you see a solicitor for advice? Not to sue, but to get them to write a letter saying you will not sue if he makes a suitable public apology and retraction. That is the least you deserve, quite apart from the terrible advice to your DD. And it will focus his mind for the future.

You did the right thing OP, your daughter will see that in time.

I would say DD is upset, I understand why you done it but you’ve broken her trust in a time when she can’t really trust anyone.

If I was contacting the police it would be unofficially to alert them to a possible future stalker, if that’s even possible.

I would have went to the source, the ex and his parents to discuss the situation as he is a minor, if it failed then I’d consider reporting this fir an investigation.

It is going to be big gossip now if friends are asked for statements etc, it will all amount to nothing as far as police action is concerned but the story will stay around for years.

The police delaying a call out until the end of the week shows their priorities. They a bloody disgrace, as bad as America is, at least they take crime seriously enough to attend even for minor reported incidents.

I would cancel the report and see the family.

GKYS or JGKYS or KMS are common abbreviations for teenagers in text and they say it verbally too.
Go kill yourself.
Just go kill yourself.
Kill myself.
I don’t know whether they realise how dark it is.
Not suggesting the ex wasn’t being threatening, just that it has become teen talk for some reason.
There are a few articles online about it.

i came here to say this. You've done the right thing.

Messages telling your 14-year-old to jump off a bridge and kill herself aren't "teenage tiff language" by any stretch - that's a serious safeguarding concern, and this cannot be left, brushed aside, or quietly smoothed over. Your instinct that doing nothing isn't an option is completely right.

This needs formal attention, and honestly, the police should be involved. A message actively encouraging a child to kill herself is not a grey area - it's the kind of thing that can constitute a criminal offence under malicious communications law, and it needs to be treated with that level of seriousness, not handled quietly between families over a cup of tea. Whatever this boy's reasons, there is no version of "he was just upset" that makes telling a 14-year-old to jump off a bridge acceptable. That's not normal teenage fallout, that's genuinely alarming behaviour that needs a proper, formal response.

Your daughter not wanting police involved is understandable, but this may not be solely her call.
Teenagers often fear the social fallout of police being involved more than they fear what's actually happened to them. But as her mum, when a message like this is sent to your child, you are entitled - arguably obligated - to take it further than she's comfortable with. She doesn't have to be the one who "gets him in trouble"; you can frame it as you, the parent, reporting something you found unacceptable and dangerous.

The school also needs to know, regardless of the police route.
They have a safeguarding duty, and if this boy is capable of sending messages like this, the school needs eyes on the situation for your daughter's protection and for anyone else he might target next.

Going to see his parents can still happen, but as one part of a bigger response, not instead of the serious steps.
Screenshots in hand, calm but absolutely clear that this isn't teenage drama, it's a child telling another child to kill herself, and that alone warrants far more than an awkward doorstep chat.
You are not overreacting. Somebody sent a vulnerable 14-year-old messages telling her to end her life, and that deserves formal, serious attention - police, school, the lot. Trust that fury, it's entirely proportionate to what's actually happened here.

police. Explain to your daughter that you have a duty to keep her and other girls safe and he needs help that the police can give him. Tell school too. Maybe a prevent referral for mysoginistic behavior

Also tell your daughter to tell friends mum checked her phone not that she told her mum

This is really good advice. OP I think you need to find a bit of inner attitude and strength and coach your DD about sticking up for herself a bit. Even practicing what to say at home with her would help.

She’s going to need to learn to either let rumours wash over her or to give a bit of attitude back and shut them down.

Everyone sends messages like jump and kill yourself? Really?

I think you’re doing everything you can do. It must be really tough.

You are her parent ! Take her phone off her and take it to the police asap ! She will be very upset and angry but you have to nip this in the bud quickly.Don’t bother with telling his parents just let the police deal with it,they will Send a female officer to speak with her(they are usually in plain uniform)and very good at this sort of thing.YOU are not her FRIEND ! Be strong it’s going to be nice but she will thank you in the end.I had this with my daughter at 15 it was horrible,she’s now 35 2 kids in a great relationship, she didn’t talk to me for 2 years at the time and now is so grateful I did look after her best interests.Remember what it was like when you were her age,everything was so intense and your parents couldn’t possibly understand.Remember you’ve been her age she hasn’t been yours.Good luck