AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

If you email the school designated safeguarding lead, they will be checking emails over the holiday usually. If not, they'll be one of the first to pick the messages up on the school return and will action it quickly.

So glad you spoke to the police. It’s so important that we teach our kids what is unacceptable and you’ve taught her a valuable lesson in addressing it head on. Well done, I know it can’t have been easy.

Police - as this could escalate. Your daughter also needs to understand about toxic masculinity, misogyny, coercive control and what it can lead to. I know you want to protect her but this is very serious and you can’t rely on the parents to deal with it appropriately. I am sorry, it’s truly vile behaviour and quite frightening. Sorry to be alarmist but this should not be swept aside imo.

This is what I would suggest too. She would be able to contact you perfectly well with one.

You would see if new messages were to come in and could photograph them and your dd would not have to see them.

Why don’t people read the updates?!!!!

Police and school, not the parents as you don't know them and how they will react.

You need to involve the police OP, this is harassment and coercive control.

Tell ( don't ask your DD before you contact police to see if they can keep this loser away from her as he is a threat to her physical and emotional wellbeing.

Its extremly serious, you can't deal with this by yourself, this loser may be harassing other girls and if he is not stopped in time it has potential to be catastrophic.

Don't speak to his parents just involve police, its vital he is stopped.

Agree! 100%!
If he's spouting hideous ideas to someone he supposedly has feelings for, god knows what they're like (I appreciate this is only a maybe). One young person taking their life is one too many, & we heartbreakingly know this happens so PLEASE don't take any risks with this! Police and School only! Better safe than sorry!

Good Luck 💐

Everyone is saying police. I had issues with my DD and I went straight to the parents 🤷🏼‍♀️ teenagers are often keyboard warriors and say things that they don’t mean. Emotions run high … their brains are not anywhere close to being fully developed. I didn’t think involving the police was the right port of call initially. When I spoke to the parents I advised them that if my DD continued to experience bullying/hate/racism from their child I would be taking it further. It always stopped …

it always stopped??? how mant times did it happen that you dD was told to kill herself?

This nasty little bastard is telling his ex girlfriend to kill herself not just once but over and over again opening new accounts to do it!!! Lying about her parents and stalking and harassing her!!! This is a police matter and I’d advise her mum to go back to the police and make a complaint as the harassment and stalking needs to be taken more seriously and not left a week!!

She was told to ‘kill herself’ - that’s sadly a pretty common teenage theme 🙁 she was also subjected to racist abuse, she was threatened - as was I and her sister, she was videoed at a swimming pool and the video shared online … teenagers can be really horrible. I just felt that it was best to speak to the parents first and give them an opportunity to speak ti their child …

No.

You speak to the police. It’s a criminal offence. It is gravely serious, and one that needs full investigation to see the extent of the issue.

OP doesn’t know the parents and doesn’t have a clue how they will react. They may try to destroy evidence if they think the police will be involved. It’s none of OP’s business why they split up and as I said before, it has absolutely no bearing on the boys’ behaviour whatever the reason may be.

The school won’t do anything other than refresh the message to the whole of the school population that this kind of behaviour is abuse. The boy won’t be identified and won’t face any meaningful consequences as a result - nor will he face proper consequences from his parents as it’s more than likely they will want to keep the police out of this, and the police absolutely should be involved right from the start because these are not ‘comments’. It’s abuse and it’s a criminal offence. There is no justification on this earth for sending these messages.

There is no reason for OP to care about the consequences to this boy - her daughter is the one who needs safeguarding from him, and 15 is old enough for him to face the consequences of criminal acts he committed as a conscious choice.

Yes. I do. Having had experience as an outreach worker of children as young as 12 actually acting on these vile messages. He’s broken the law - he’s encouraging suicide and he’s in breach of the laws regarding malicious communication. He knows to use Snapchat as he knows the messages disappear so he thinks he’s safe. That indicates this isn’t the first time he’s sent abusive messages. He needs to be stopped, and the police will give it the priority it deserves.

Absolutely well said 👏

Then frankly, you should probably go on a safeguarding course.

You failed to properly protect both your daughters, or yourself, or the next victim.

Well you can have your view, it doesnt mean you're right, its been a successful programme for many service users and young teens over the years, not just within our LA but up and down the country. It may have literally saved lives.

I would report this to the police. How else will he learn?. Going to parents could inflame the situation further. Then this would show your daughter she has to stand up for herself and that you will stand up for her. She may not like it at first but she will understand later in life.

OP has already reported to the police.
Why does nobody bother to read updates?

OK calm down

He’s committed a serious crime, and from what OP says it’s likely DD isn’t his only victim, as he’s using snapchat and opening multiple accounts to send these messages, so he clearly knows what he’s doing and thinks he knows how to protect himself. OP doesn’t know the parents, so no telling how they would react, and the school won’t identify and punish individually - it’s not within their remit. It’s 100% a police matter - the only way this boy will face the consequences of his actions, and the best way to safeguard DD. And thankfully, OP has gone ahead and reported it.

Police, now.

Sorry OP, as someone who was bullied and had awful messages sent to them in my school years it’s the best thing to do.

Sometimes in life you have to do what’s in your daughters best interests and not let her decide as a vulnerable 14 year old what’s best, she’s scared and you need to help her understand the reasons for needing to go to the police. This may or may not be already happening to others by him already.

Don’t go to his parents without proof this may cause further harm, for her and for him.

OP contacted the police yesterday and is waiting for them to follow up.

You always get one or two on here OP - they have nothing important/special to say but want to get involved.

It's easy to say go to the police and it's true that it will show that you care and will always do what's right, but you also run the risk of her holding things back from you in future. I wish I could say what's the best thing to do but I can't. Good luck tho - I hope you get it resolved x