AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

@ittakesalongtimr OP, I’m not sure what type of phone your daughter has but with iPhones, you can set up parental screen times and choose which apps she can and can’t have access to, and at what times, with a passcode (not the same one that unlocks the phone so you can do your own that she doesn’t know). It might be worth blocking Snapchat and other social media while she’s working and then when she gets home you can unblock them and any pending messages will
come through. If he’s sent anymore threatening messages, you can take a photo of them with your phone so he doesn’t get a notification saying it’s been screenshot.

Here’s how to do it

I recommend emailing the school, FAO DSL which should be picked up over the holiday.

This may be the final piece needed to confirm a wider issue.

A gift seriously?

The police can apparently get Snapchat to recover messages if a crime is believed to have been committed. I think the idea of a cheap temporary phone would be a good one. Or perhaps someone has an old phone that you can put a PAYG SIM card into?

Of course it isnt victim blaming what on earth are you talking about

The freedom programme is run by a number of DA/DV support services as well as online and they'll nearly always do a version for young people, we refer to ours regularly for work with teens (usually girls) who have been or who are in relationships like this and they'll either get the young person on a group for support or do direct outreach work which is akin to the Freedom Programme. The principles are the same.

Never ever ever the parents. Esp when they aren’t well known to you.

This Andrew Tate in the making needs to be stopped. It’s concerning that so many young boys have this mentality.

I've answered earlier in the thread why it is - in fact - classic victim-blaming.

We can agree to disagree about the Freedom Programme - I am aware that it is used by some domestic abuse services but in my view it is dated, overly simplistic, not trauma informed, victim-blaming and most importantly of all, it lacks an evidence base.

Get her a new SIM card. No snap chat or WhatsApp. Only very trusted people can have the number . Don’t cancel the other one until she’s talked to the police, keep the SIM card so she can’t have access.
Im sure the school have to monitor safeguarding emails over the summer. I’m sure there will be something on the school website.
Screen shot everything you can.
Keep her busy, it’s great she has job. Encourage her to meet up with friends you know and trust over the summer.

Nice to see he’s been arrested, yet again but is going on, again, about being targeted by the authorities. He turns my stomach.
I am old enough to be this young girl’s grandma. I can remember being targeted at this age, nowhere near as badly as this. But the thing was once you shut the front door, that was it. Unless someone chanced ringing the house phone or writing a letter.
Telling another human being to take their own life is vile. And we know from the news that sometimes the message is acted upon.
I know that teenagers coming out of a romance don’t always take rejection well. But this is to the extreme, and this young man needs a wake-up call, as do his parents.

According to google Snapchat can be retrieved by the police, using specialist technology.

Waiting days for the police to visit is very poor.

He sounds like an unhinged, nasty piece of work.

Not for something like this 🙄🙄🙄
And it's not an emergency. Do you think police should be prioritising this above actual emergencies?

Well done OP. I know it won’t have been easy to make that call when your DD didn’t want you too, but I promise you have done the right thing for her and other girls.

I think it is important that between now and the middle of next week, if you could get some screen shots or pictures of the messages from this boy. This will give the police evidence. So if the boy involved tries to deny anything, he won't be believed.
I don't think the boy will turn around and say, yes that was me sending the messages and I'm sorry.
These are very serious messages and thankfully your daughter has a lovely mother that she can talk to, otherwise this boys nasty actions could have turned this situation into something more serious.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Look after yourself and your daughter ❤️. Give her lots of support and let her know she is very important to you and she is loved.

Police, immediately.

Good luck. Horrible situation for you and your daughter.

OP has contacted them and updated this thread.

Need to tell his parents what he has said and that they need to talk to their son about not sending any further messages to your daughter. Leave the police for now, but if there is a repeat telling the school and police. Word from them may help

Read the thread! Op has contacted the police

Block him. Nobody needs to receive messages from anyone.

Just done an update on this: https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/news/sadistic-online-harm-groups-putting-people-at-unprecedented-risk-warns-the-nca
scary stuff, teenage boys encouraging girls to SH for kudos

Buy your daughter a cheap phone from a supermarket just for contact to.you while she's at work and you keep the actual phone then you will see if anything else comes in?

It’s not up to a child to make that decision. You as the adult need to report this to the police!!!!

I'd report it to the police they are horrendous messages to your daughter absolutely vile.