AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

In a time where violence against women is rising, incel behaviour is more common and aggression is normalised you did the right thing calling 101 but do not drop the issue. Keep evidence of everything even if it doesn’t seem that extreme, even if it’s to use in future. He sounds like a freak.

If the messages are still there, take a photo wkrh another phone or ipad.

Dont talk to his parents. You dont know what they are like - we had a situation where I live where after a confrontation between two families (over some primary school bullying) there was a violent fight and one family had move to due to abuse that followed.

Screenshot the messages and contact the school's safeguarding lead. I know what your daughter is saying but explain to her this is serious and have to be dealt with. Let the school deal with it. But I would probably log it with police tbh. Even just as a record.

It's not victim blaming to observe and identify patterns of vulnerability within relationships. It's rarely coincidence when a woman has a number of abusive relationships in a row, it's a pattern and needs to be addressed through psychosocial education around healthy relationships, abusive patterns and identifying warning signs, as well as providing holistic support to increase resilience and confidence. This is established evidence based practice in social work, DA support services etc

DD is absolutely adamant I’m not to call the police and says she won’t talk to them / will delete everything, she became hysterical at prospect of it

I would try to get to the bottom of this. Why is she so averse to police involvement?

Has he done something to her, and then threatened "if you go to the police I'll...."?

I'm not ruling out telling the police, I'm saying tell the parents and school first and I am not victim blaming, I am simply pointing our that her daughter has declined to tell her mum why they split up and there maybe more than meets the eye. I quite clearly said it did not excuse his comments. Do not make out I said things that I did not.

Do you have a spare handset you can give her? Police are likely to want to take her phone to examine anyway so if she needs a phone, best get a replacement in place now and you can monitor any messages coming in to the old one between now and then. Do not allow her to download Snapchat on the new phone.

Personally I would be driving further to an open police station, horrible for your daughter to have this hanging over her for days, and potentially getting more abuse for days. Not to worry you but these things can escalate.

school will have someone on site and / or details of who to contact with safeguarding issues.

It is victim‑blaming to treat repeated victimisation as a personal pattern rather than a perpetrator pattern.

You are framing* *multiple abusive relationships as ‘a pattern’, ‘rarely coincidence’ and as something within the woman that needs ‘addressing’. This shifts the causal focus away from perpetrators and onto the victim’s psychology or choices.

Abusive men target women who have already been harmed because they are easier to isolate, discredit, or manipulate. This is a perpetrator behaviour, not a victim vulnerability.

You claim that this is ‘established evidence‑based practice’. It is not.

The evidence shows that most women who experience abuse do NOT go on to have multiple abusive partners. When repeated victimisation occurs, the strongest predictors are perpetrator behaviour, structural disadvantage, and ongoing coercive control, not personal vulnerability. Healthy relationship education does not prevent perpetrator behaviour.

Trauma‑informed support helps women recover, but it does not change the likelihood of a perpetrator targeting them. The implication that she could ‘minimise the chances’ of future abuse if she changed herself reinforces the idea that the problem is her judgement, not the perpetrator’s behaviour. That is textbook victim‑blaming.

Why? It’s been reported now via the correct channel - 101 - and will be investigated and the OP will be updated/can call back with the allocated crime number.

@ittakesalongtimr As others posters have suggested: DO NOT GIVE HER PHONE BACK. You need to keep it so you can quickly take a photo (with another phone/tablet) when messages come in. Give her a spare phone/borrow one for her. She's 14 and doesn't need her phone for work. This is serious. I don't want to frighten you but I have personal experience. My then 17 year old boyfriend that I had breaken up with showed up with a gun outside my house threatening to kill my family if I didn't come out. I never told my mum and younger siblings to protect them and stayed with him for 2 years until I was 18 and could leave the country as aupair. I told him we would still be together but counted on him finding someone else. I was in the US for 2 years and luckily he had moved on and didn't care for me anymore. So don't let your daughter be in touch with him- he can menace your family and she will do anything to protect you!!!! Police 100%!!!!

Previously I would have said contact his parents, but I live in the North East and after what happened to Holly Newton, go to the police. Remove your daughter’s phone or very closely monitor it. Call them again if she receives more messages. Contact school when the open, usually the day before children return. You could email the school, someone may be monitoring emails.

Abusive men target women who have already been harmed because they are easier to isolate, discredit, or manipulate. This is a perpetrator behaviour, not a victim vulnerability.

They are the same thing!! You're arguing AGAINST empowering women who are vulnerable to abusive men by claiming there is nothing that can be done to increase resilience and reduce risk of further abusive relationships. I simply don't understand this supposedly feminist position. You sound dogmatic and disconnected to real human behaviour. How do you propose women make themselves safer if they are never supported to look at their own vulnerabilities and learn to identify abusive behaviour early on?

I don't think you can even report a crime in person these days at a police station? You report via 101 and then get an appointment at a police station to give your statement. Not sure at all what the point would be of going to another police station after reporting anyway?

Well done for calling the police. That must have been so hard. I think take steps so she's not alone and keep a very close eye on her phone. No arguments.

Edited for ridiculous autocorrect.

I think we’re talking past each other because we’re using the same words to mean different things.

When I say ‘perpetrators target women who have already been harmed’, I’m describing a behaviour of abusive men - not a flaw or deficit within the woman. A perpetrator’s choice to target someone is not the same thing as a victim’s vulnerability. Those are two different phenomena, even if they interact.

I’m absolutely not arguing against supporting women, building confidence, or helping people understand abuse. Those things matter. But they don’t change the core fact that the responsibility for abuse always lies with the perpetrator, and that repeated victimisation is driven far more by perpetrator behaviour and structural conditions than by anything inside the victim.

Where we differ is you are framing repeated abuse as a pattern within the woman that needs to be ‘addressed’ but I’m framing it as a pattern within perpetrators and within the social conditions that make some women easier to isolate, discredit, or trap.

Those are not ‘the same thing’.

A woman can be educated, resilient, confident, trauma informed and still be targeted by an abusive man who is skilled at concealment, charm, and manipulation. Supporting her is essential - but it does not prevent a perpetrator from choosing to be abusive.

So yes, we absolutely should help women understand warning signs, recover from trauma, and rebuild their lives but we should do that without implying that their personal vulnerabilities caused the abuse or explain why it happened more than once.

That’s the distinction I’m protecting. It’s not dogmatic - it’s trauma informed, evidence based, and survivor centred.

Need to be reported to the police immediately. I'm sorry but your 14 year old doesn't have a say in this because I don't think she understands the repercussions of what this boy is doing. Also inform the school.

i am thinking of the poor teenager having this hanging over her for days. She will likely hate the idea of having to talk to the police. If she reaches out to a friend for support could rumours get back to the lad? How much more abuse will she get over the coming days and will this escalate to abuse in person etc.

I’m glad you have gone to the police.

This and a new temporary sim for the next few days.

... and re her reluctance to involve the police, I'd be frightened too in her shoes. There must be all manner of things going through her head.

YABU to consider talking to the parents.

You need to take this straight to the police

You need to do this as a matter of extreme urgency.

Focus on dd now, and empowering her. In your position I would be buying her a gift to thank her for trusting you with the information (not all teens do) how proud of her you are for managing this to date. She needs to know this isn’t her fault, and whatever happens next it is better than the alternative (another teen dies)

We have had direct experience with this in our school - and the fallout was beyond horrific. Anyone that can spare a mother the agony of losing her child must do so. The life of a teen can never be replaced. I don’t want to worry you op, but watch out for ‘pressure’ coming from other sources not just the perpetrator. It is my understanding they use pressure build up as a strategy to push the teen into a desperate state or nude photos etc. She may be too embarrassed or scared to tell you other aspects of this story possibly.

I would be very cautious around everyone that contacts her.

Is her holiday job safe? Does he or others know where she is working?

The next few weeks are going to require extremely close monitoring. Can you ensure dds phone is with you from 9pm, and she sits with you in the evenings.

While waiting on the police, I'd be inclined to get her a new sim card with a new phone number. You could put her current sim in an old phone to keep track of what's coming in. It might be worth going into a phone shop to ask advice.

Don't go near the parents. They'll shoot the messenger.

I second the advice re parents. They will just move fast to remove all of the evidence. They may also turn on you. It’s so serious the police will follow the usual protocol and policy, best to let them deal with it.