AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

Block
Then cannot receive the messages

And the risk of escalation to actual physical harm ? This is a safeguarding issue and simply blocking and ignoring won’t do it. The methods this kid employed to send these messages is proof positive that he knew exactly the harm he was causing, and an indicator that this isn’t the first time he’s done it. It’s a serious crime and he needs to face the consequences so that this doesn’t escalate to something more dangerous for DD, and so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to do it to someone else. Police action is the only way to achieve that.

OP’s third post.

She did block his number but worryingly he created new accounts within minutes to contact her.

I live on an island … it’s a small community. So going to the police as the first port of call probably isn’t quite the same as perhaps in a large city. As I said, addressing it this way worked for me and my DD, the harassment was nipped in the bud. If it had continued I had told the parents that I would be involving the police … I’m sorry to say it but the majority of teenagers are dopes with immature minds and mobile phones. In my case the threat of police involvement was enough …

@ittakesalongtimr How is your Dd doing? I hope she's more comfortable with the idea of the police being involved now. I'm sure it's helping her to know that she has you to help her deal with this.

Get her a temporary dumbphone? They don't cost much and you can do pay as you go. That will solve the issue of her contacting you, and it's not for long.

IMO, you really do need to be able to screenshot anything further the little weasel sends. It's much better that it's you getting these messages than her. Seriously, for now, a cheap flip phone.

Thanks so much everyone.

DD is utterly miserable and not talking to me at all after hearing I called the police. She says she can’t trust me after I broke her request not to call them. Will have to ride it out. She’s refused a “old fashioned” phone and is very upset she has had to temporarily lose her one, through no fault of her own. Rocky week ahead I think. Police left me a message to say will be end of the week earliest before they come round.
Finding it all very hard and feel powerless

Op you need to tell her straight, she probably isn’t the only person he has done this to, and the next teen might be more vulnerable than her and could lose their life.

It’s becoming a major problem in this country, so much so that Keir Starmer was addressing this even as he was leaving office.

This is not just about dd op, you are safe guarding other teens/children, and whilst she might be mad now that’s a whole lot better than someone dying.

You did the right thing, you are protecting future girls and women. He would be very unlikely to stop at words next time.

What doesn’t help is the online chats continuing without her, so she’s hearing second hand from friends about the rumours about me which upset her the most as she’s embarrassed (understandably). Nobody her age seems to be taking seriously the “jump and kill yourself” comments as apparently “everyone” says this sort of stuff. I feel ill equipped to know how to manage this and just very sad this is the new normal.

Disgusting behaviour. Thankfully the relationship ended between them.
I would contact his parents if you’re not involving the police. I would appreciate it if another parent contacted me if DS was behaving like a cruel lunatic.

Police because he wil do this again and again. This is harassment and DV.
He won’t stop at your daughter he needs reporting.

It really isn't. I have two ds (13 and 16) and never had it. They talk to me about everything- especially if they feel someone hasn't been nice to them or someone else and show me messages. It has never been near this.

I'm so sorry to read this, I was hoping that she might have accepted the need to have the police involved.

Keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing for her sake, yours and any other kids who might be targeted by this boy. Not every child has someone to confide in and a young person dealing with this alone might not be able to cope, leading to tragedy.

Keep letting her know you love her and it's your job as a parent to protect her and that you also care about the wellbeing of other teens who might be targeted, now or in the future.

Sending you a hug.

Hold the line, you did the right thing. She is too young to make this call and her reaction is showing how immature (quite obviously and normally) she is to manage this on her own.

I feel for you op. It is indeed such a sad situation that this is deemed a new normal:(
However I wouldn't back off. The b@stard needs a shock by the police.
Whilst not the same, something similar happened to us. A boy on the school bus once threw a basketball so hard at my (then) 12yr old DD's head that she saw stars. Me and her dad were absolutely livid and contacted the police as this is out and out assault. The police came to our house to take a statement. We wanted the little shit to be spoken to by the police to scare him/sober him up, so that he might think twice about doing this again to some other poor, unsuspecting innocent victim....and they agreed. However my DD was in tears and so embarrassed and wanted us to forget about the whole incident and said that the idea of us making a big deal out of it and talking to the police was more upsetting than the incident itself. We were so frustrated. :(

This. I know its hard for her but (and I mean this kindly) its not entirely about her even though she is the current innocent victim. I am not a parent myself but have heard it said by people who are that if you child is never mad at you then you are not doing parenting right!

As for the "everyone says it" that line is as old as the hills. Everyone's parents allow them to stay up on school nights, watch x rated films, insert your own age related example.

My brother would've kicked the shit out of the little oik.

Mine would have wanted to but the kids a teen so he couldn't. But he would have gone to the kids house and told him and his parents angrily and loudly he isn't going to tolerate it.

Op - I have teens and adult children and your hand wringing and reaction to the rumours are not helping your dd whatsoever.

You need to be more assertive and resilient, and so does she.

The rumours are stupid made up stories. Your dd needs to learn to speak up and tell her friends they are just silly lies and to ignore them. Do you actually think anyone with half a brain would believe any of it? It’s kids stuff. Playground antics, and needs to be treated as such.

Your dd needs to learn to say oh yes and my mum is also flying to the moon/ running for president in the US etc according to ex boyfriend. Managing this kind of silly behaviour is an essential life skill. The Chinese whispers will die down when the children realise how much trouble the boy is in - and when the other parents begin to hear about it, and have the same reaction as this thread.

Your dd has the skills to manage this, encourage her to look beyond herself and look at the possible risks to others if nothing is done. How she might feel if the next girl he picks on actually comes to harm. The gravity of the situation.

Whilst supporting her is good op, indulging her with self pity is not. Time for DD’s big girl pants - she isn’t a young child anymore and young adult life can be really tough sometimes.

Might be worth having a look at this website...possibly with your DD.

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

Police OP.

That’s a cracking suggestion! In over two days and over 370 posts I wonder why thats not been suggested already?

and @Tiggermad, @Frumpitydoo ... and everyone else who Is recommending that OP contacts the police.

She has! Days ago!
Read the thread!

Police and school. Breakups are always hard when you are a teen first love this is a mental health issue and I am sure the school will be able to help him