Clique school mums

[ernie23]

what is a cliquey mum group?
how would you describe them ? Do you believe that term , have you ever been involved ?

This is no hate, just genuinely what to know what people think of that term or their experiences on why would you call them like that .

So this group of women come together and say… let’s blank X and let’s isolate their children for no other reason than they’re a bit scruffy?

@Backtobrocno I dont 🤣

have they actually TOLD you or you are just making that up completely?

What kind of exclusive private school was that, if you were the only one dressed down, and the only one whose husband was too busy to be around? 😂

Most parents are in a rush to drop off the kids, dressed in gym clothes to go to the gym or in smarter ones to go to work, or in their work uniform, but YOU would be the only one dressed down?

Could it possibly be that you were just not friendly with the others? It's ok not to make friends everywhere, no one is becoming best friend with everyone at work either, or in the gym. Who cares?

But you’re actually saying that for 6/7 years your very popular dd didn’t get invited despite children asking their mothers to have her over… their mothers would all say “no!”. Even to their 10/11 year old daughters? Because you were a bit scruffy.

Can you not see how paranoid and… ridiculous this is?

I used to turn up some days looking like I’d been dragged backwards through a bush!

Why are you so keen to discredit the PP?
Has it hit a nerve? It seems like it has. Are you one of those mean cliquey mums? If you are you will know full well it's more nuanced than them saying lets exclude x because they're scruffy. It's little comments to sway opinion by the mean ones with the sheep following along because they want to stay with the 'in' crowd.

As an example of how weird these women were...

At drop off they all used to hug each other hello, then hug again when they said bye.

Then at pick up they all used to hug hello then hug again when they said bye.

EVERY SINGLE DAY

It used to take ages.... weirdest thing ever.

This and they interpret everything these women do as a personal slight
My favourite being the woman who had not spoken to this mum in 2 years after a brief interaction, saw her crossing the school field at an event to sit with her friends and decided she was deliberately snubbing her .

The usual MN contrary crew arrived to say she was NBU, wotabitch and they greeted everyone in the school everyday
Batshit 😂

You are so defensive and quick to anger.

Honestly, we are disagreeing with one another. Spiritedly! . It doesn’t have to be a hitting a nerve or accusations

It is telling that you jump to this

This thread has reassured me that there are many of us out there that think this idea of “cliques” is just posters not in a friendship group and bitter about it

I haven’t mentioned anyone being scruffy 🤷‍♀️

Ty. Yes exactly. Of course everyone knows that no group stands together and says right let's ignore so and so because she looks like she doesn't fit in with us. It's very subtle...and as my DH said most people are cowards and terrified to be ostracised themselves so go along blindly with this sort of thing

My two best friends of over 15 years both have kids the same age as mine, we probably look like a mum clique but actually we just talk and hang out as we have done since school

@JLou08 thinks that is why she wasn’t in this friendship group and why for her DD’s time at primary she was never invited on play dates.

Because she was a bit scruffy at the school gate

I'm not angry. You're not disagreeing with her, you're trying to discredit her experience.
I've nothing to be defensive of, it's not my experience. I've never been ostracised but I've witnessed people try and do it to others with similar games like the one you're playing here.

because it's tedious to hear about "clique" when it's just normal people being friendly.

It's the same with the "clique" from the PTA and parents complaining loudly that they gave an AMAZING idea and no-one followed through! Horrible clique!
Except that giving an idea without the way to follow it through is not helpful,
not volunteering but expecting someone else to do the work is not helpful

and the sense of entitlement is bizarre. Only around the school playground are people offended if not everyone is falling over themselves to become their best friends.

You don't believe people make assumptions based on how you look?

but you are implying that you were the ONLY ONE dressed down?
What school was that?

I don’t believe that an entire group of women thought you looked a bit scruffy and they all came together and agreed to blank you for 7 years and refuse any requests from their children for your daughter to come over.

Im saying it's a myriad of things which lead people to assumptions. My DH was never at the school as he was working. I probably look and sound quite common. I didn't work. I'm white but my Dc are mixed race. So yes I strongly believe they just assumed I was a lone parent on benefits, rather than a sahm whose DH had a successful career. I remember when DH did attend an event and a woman absolutely gawping at him...I think she was genuinely shocked that he was not only thete but smartly dressed and very eloquent.

I don’t believe it’s an urban myth, but there is some nuance to it. Friendship cliques will exist, to some degree, is every environment, but cliques will be at their strongest where there are higher stakes (or perceived higher stakes) in associating with people with a shared identity.

In what environment is identify the most important? When you are at school yourself and when you become a parent. At school, finding and honing your identity, and feeling like a member of a group, is of incredible importance.

I believe this rears its head again strongly during parenthood, for some more than others, of course – the desire to raise your children among the ‘right’ people, values and influences. It’s also (not dissimilarly to your own school days) a time of high vulnerability and loss of identity.

Some of this really is school girl dynamics.

it reads like people revert to childhood, seeing the popular kids and being upset they aren’t one of them

i genuinely never once saw a group of women eyeing other women up and down, turning their backs if someone tried to join etc. I find even the picturing it odd.

however I have seen groups of mums friendly with one another and absorbed in their group, the occasional loner, shy, introverted, type, pretending to play on their phones, standing alone. but that doesn’t mean the friendly mums have to wander round inviting every one to join them, it not actually school,no one is entitled to join, like you aren’t entitled to join at rhe pub or anywhere else. it’s likely as they aren’t even thinking about you and absorbed in their own worlds. And that’s fine.

sure they should respond with good morning if spoken to. But that lady may have had something on her mind, her face went blank, she likely wondered who the poster is. Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand they don’t figure as largely in the minds of others, as they figure in their minds.

The only assumptions and negative comments are coming from you.

Either these women were not working either, so why would they have any thought about YOU not working,
or they do work and must have been rushing from school run to the office and not spending time thinking or discussing you as much as you think they did.

think she was genuinely shocked that he was not only thete but smartly dressed and very eloquent.
or maybe just shocked he was just normally friendly when you are not?

You assumed a lot

Bullying happens in all sorts of places and environments...I don't see why it wouldn't exist at the school gate between mum's....just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. There's a whole load of things I haven't experienced but I know it does happen.