Clique school mums

[ernie23]

what is a cliquey mum group?
how would you describe them ? Do you believe that term , have you ever been involved ?

This is no hate, just genuinely what to know what people think of that term or their experiences on why would you call them like that .

In real life?

Just a normal group of friends, who were already friends because they have older kids, or are becoming friends, or a group of volunteers, but on MN because it's school, people suddenly feel "excluded".

The same way people complain their child is "excluded" because they're not invited when the parents invite each other and let the kids play together. WHY would you invite someone who doesn't want to be there?

Never experienced this nor seen any sign of it.

Usually it means friend group, surely. Quite a few mums in my DD’s reception class were friends because they had older DC in the school, but were still friendly to me.

I made some nice friends for the time my DC were in school but only still in regular touch with a couple (DC in their early 20s).

I would describe cliquey as a group that doesn’t even speak to any other parent/mum and is very exclusive.

Exactly this.

God knows how anyone with an averagely contented life has the mental energy to put into noting 'excluding' body language or eye contact or the precise nuances of froideur towards them, or whatever. It really suggests people who are still psychologically in their schooldays.

Also (and I feel that this may make some Mners' heads explode) -- it's actually fine for people not to like you, or to prefer other people. We don't all like everyone else, and we don't owe everyone else friendships, and it's the same for them.

What you are discussing has nothing to do with friendships between mums and everything to do with children playing with some children and not others.

Is your child not currently enjoying school @ernie23 ?

for example mum excluded child just because child parent isn’t in the group or super chatty or also mum who isn’t interested In making friends with others excluding their children because they think there aren’t in the group

not something I have ever been aware if

and what you are describing is a deeply unpleasant person. Nothing to do with friendships (I can’t even bring myself to describe it was “cliques”)

@Backtobroc she is thank you x

So what you’re describing is an horrible Person

Sometimes it's easier for parents to convince themselves their child isn't getting invited to things because the parent isn't in the 'clique'.

Rather than accept that their child isn't getting invited because they're not hugely popular.

This is daft because popularity changes over the school years and many friendships are made/broken etc.

The same way people complain their child is "excluded" because they're not invited when the parents invite each other and let the kids play together

This happened to us. Because I wasn't part of the clique, my DD wasn't invited to playdates. The thing was she was a very popular girl with lots of friends but never saw them out of school because of this issue. Meanwhile kids who weren't even friends were forced into social situations because the mums were besties. It was so weird by year six when the girly girls were still having to hang out with the boisterous football mad boys because heaven forbid their mum could actually entertain a child who's mum wasn't their mate too.

Spot on

This is just not the case at all @Justaquestionplease

multiple women weren’t forcing children to NOT invite your daughter simply because you weren’t in the friendship group

It's incredibly common... parents only hosting playdates when they know the other parents well.

I agree it depends on the observer. It's just so ridiculous to hear an adult woman complain that other adult women know each other and are friends. Of course sometimes people are mean and deliberately exclude others. If that complaint is made I would ask 'what did they say when you walked over and joined them?' Almost always the answer is the person complaining didn't even try but enjoyed the feeling of being a victim instead. It's a bit ironic someone who never initiates conversations or invites anyone anywhere gets to complain that others don't initiate conversations or invite them anywhere...

This happened to us. Because I wasn't part of the clique, my DD wasn't invited to playdates. The thing was she was a very popular girl with lots of friends but never saw them out of school because of this issue.

She wasn't that popular.

Kids will nag their parents to death to have them come over if they've made a good friend.

To. Actual. Death 😭🤣

Nah

Only when they're really little and a parent has to stay.

So the mums are friends and the kids come along as standard? If you want your daughter to have play dates you could always sort them for her and invite people to yours.
I have a lot of mum friends who my children play with their kids because of us rather than because they’re best mates. But, I also will host a friend over when I don’t know the mum if she’s asks. Usually the mum doesn’t stay cos why would she? So it is more common my friend will come for a brew and the kids play. Never thought anyone would view this as cliquey. Bizarre

Yes that is common. But if child said to their mother can I have X over? You are saying she would say “no” on the grounds that she wasn’t close friends with you?

Exactly

The idea that mothers of 11 year olds girls are saying “NO!” To friends over simply because the mother isn’t close friends with the other mother is patently… daft

2 dc and two different primary schools and definitely have never experienced a clique. I’m friendly with some mums (but not massively close friends, like we don’t hang out regularly in any way) and there are some closer groups of friends, but they are mostly friends because they are neighbours rather than because their dc are friends at school.

But I am someone who is not the least bit interested in ‘mum friends.’ I have friends. Most of my friends are from before I had dc, lots from work, or volunteer things I do, or hobbies. Only a few from school and these are mostly because we’re neighbours and have BBQs and borrow garden tools from each other and such. I think there are some people who are very invested in having ‘mum friends’ but my life is already very full and I’ve never been one of those people.

My dc also have lots of friends and lots of play dates and it’s got nothing to do with parents I’m friends with. The parents aren’t involved except in making arrangements. I don’t socialise with them, don’t want to socialise with them. My eldest makes her own arrangements and I just do the taxiing.

Unless you've experienced it then you have no idea...I went to a stay and play type morning with my dcs class... another mum was sitting there and I said good morning to her. She looked at me and blanked me. One of the queen bees took a huge dislike to me for reasons I still can't fathom as literally nothing happened and the others blanked me. So weird.

I think it is a thing. It used to bother me when I was younger with my first child but not anymore. I've had unfriendly behaviour directed towards me from a small group of mums that seemingly came from nowhere and I wasn't even aware of who they were until I realised what was going on. But there's horrible people in all walks of life, I think the school gate just exacerbates it because you're forced to hang around these people twice a day for 7 or so years.
However, there's a difference between that and just not being part of a group where the mums are friends. I don't really put myself out there socially, and if I do it never really goes anywhere so I wouldn't expect to be included in meet ups or be spoken to at school events. My kids have severe health conditions and I feel overwhelmed at times, I no longer care about fitting in with other school mums. It's something I've had to let go of.

Could it be your sexist language she took a dislike to?

“Queen bees” 🙄

@Justaquestionplease you didn’t have a close friendship group at the school and you chose to see that as the other women being cliquey and queen bees.

Children weren’t asking their mothers for play dates with your daughter and you put 2 and 2 together and made 9