AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

I am happy to give my time. She won't be around more than once for that offer as she has to do her own shopping.

If day and night drops if it would be a SS case and I would report it

Your neighbour sounds really annoying.

However, it takes a particularly mean spirit to refuse a sick child calpol.

I can see that this would be annoying.

BUT, can we take a step back and look what’s happening here. You have a partner and I may be assuming incorrectly here but two incomes. It sounds as though she is a single Mum who is struggling. Yes that’s not your fault, and yes she is responsible for the welfare of her children, but I’d be inclined to help. What I mean is I’d go round in a non-confrontational way, have a chat with her and find out what is going on. She may have a whole host of problems that you know nothing about. She may have mental illness, or ADHD and be a poor organiser. Either way something isn’t right. I’m not saying it’s your duty to do this and of course you shouldn’t have to but sometimes, just sometimes, people need a little bit of support from a stranger.

Once you know what the issue is, you can signpost her, be that to a food bank, her GP etc. make it clear that you cannot keep suppling her with emergency provisions and that it’s unacceptable to be woken at 06:30am but don’t be a hard nosed bitch about it.

A child needed medicine, i would have given any child the medicine. Then now I’d drive her to a chemist to buy more. I assume she doesn’t have enough money for the cereal, wipes and calpol and starts panicking.

She’s a cheeky cow

calpol is expensive.

why doesn’t she have a stash in her house? Anyone with kids has calpol in their bathroom cupboard

Seeing exactly this type of parent on the Cranford dramatisation a few years ago shows there’s nothing new under the sun. She sounds an inadequate parent, probably recently a single parent whose inadequacies were ameliorated with two adults in the house, whose children will either grow up permanently over anxious and hideously organised with cupboards full of essentials at all times, or will continue the cycle of inadequacy themselves.

I don’t think there’s a right answer here. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I wouldn’t expect to be able to fix it. Keep an eye on how the kids are doing.

You’d already given her a bottle of Calpol which she had time to replace before it was finished. She doesn’t appear to have done so.
She sounds very chaotic and in need of external support but that doesn’t mean it should be from you. If you establish a pattern of rescuing her now then this will be your life going forwards.
She needs to speak to her health visitor, GP or the council or similar to see what support she can access.

NTA. Who would wake a family at 6:30 because they haven’t done their job as a parent. I’d be frankly telling her not to ever knock at my door again. I’d certainly give her nothing. I have great neighbours and will help them out any time and they will do same but it’s a) reciprocated and b) anything borrowed is replaced and favours thanked with a bottle of wine. That’s how it’s done. Not this useless waste of space parenting. Who doesn’t have food for their child. Why is it only kids stuff she needs. Does she prioritise her own wants first when shopping.

At 6.30 am I would have just given it to her.

But be very clear with her that in future she needs to be better prepared.

If OP did that she would end up being seen as a babysitter as well as a shop!

It's all very well saying this, but OP sounds like she has enough on her plate working long hours to provide for her own family. Burnout is a very real concern if OP continues to be expected to take on a neighbour's problems, especially if her sleep is being disturbed.

I don't agree. I think it would be once and never again as it means mum has to run to the shop and pay her own supplies.

I can't believe that some are defending this cf.

The op is right to say no and put a stop to this. I bet those calling the op mean wouldn't be a free supermarket for their entitled neighbour!

I think the op should start asking cf for stuff , she'll stop bothering them then.

When did she move in? Is she going through a lot of Calpol? No cereal is also worrying. I’d call nspcc for advice.
i think some areas have a school for free Calpol under a certain age. I’d tell her to ask a pharmacist if it’s available locally.

Get a ring doorbell than you can see who you are opening the door to - or not,

DP needs to take it on then if he wants to be a saviour of this neighbour. He answers the door, provides her with what she asks for & then makes a mental note to replace the item. It sounds like he wants you to facilitate her bad planning. Presumably if you hand over calpol, cereal, milk etc it needs to be replaced otherwise you are then going to have nothing in for your own child. Some men like to be seen as a hero & don’t mind if their own family/partner is inconvenienced.

And what’s the original poster supposed to do when the neighbour is banging on her door again tonight and 11pm and 6.30 tomorrow morning? Hand over supplies again to avoid being mean? And what about next week when she asked and the week after?

Someone appears to be living in a 1970s porn movie!

She sounds like Cadging Carol in The Royle Family

somethings well wrong in that household. do you know the neighbour on the other side of her? be interesting to hear if shes doing the same to her and build up a bigger picture of how bad things are to help you decide re SS or not in the future.

helping neighbours is a two way street not just take take take and no reciprocation

The thing is if you keep giving something like calpol "because its an emergency" she'll keep expecting to get it off you. It'll always be an emergency.

"Sorry ive run out".

And all this nonsense about the shops being closed. Supermarkets like Asda/tesco are open 24hrs.

If she can’t be bothered to provide basic healthcare for her children it makes you wonder what else she’s not doing. I’d report her to the authorities. It’s not your responsibility to sort her out.

There are lots of other ways to not need free childcare that don't involve the recipient spending any money, however. Medical appointments for her or one of the children, for example. You're at least opening the door to that kind of request. Fair enough if you'd be fine with looking after one kid whilst mum takes the other to an emergency GP appointment of course, but worth at least giving some thought to whether you are.

Also these times are when she maybe feels her child should be asleep. In the past some parents thought Calpol would help a child sleep (even when perfectly well). It is possible this is what may be happening. I remember my parents suggesting it when my DC were young, though I disagreed.

Also, what would she do if none of her neighbours had young children, therefore no Calpol or baby wipes? Or you are away on holiday. She needs to learn some organisation. Your DH would be doing her no favours by supplying these items.

Wow she’s a cheeky bitch but I would be worried about the children. I’d not have given her more this morning especially not at 630am!