AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

She already gave a FULL bottle the first time, has been asked again since giving a FULL bottle for calpol again. And now this time, with other things asked for inbetween also........

I dont think this mother gets the whole, I'll give you this time but you need to sort some out yourself.
If it keeps being handed over the OP just becomes an enabler for whatever the hell is going on in that house. And I think its clear its not taking care of the childs basic needs that is going on in that house.

yeah it is good for me, I look after my own kid well and parent properly.
This woman is a CF sponger and an irresponsible parent. She needs to buy her own stuff and be prepared.

One dose doesn't last a sick child through the night plus it's ridiculous to assume she can leave kids to go to all night pharmacy, or take sick kid with her.
I'd be having words with her to say stop waking us up at all hours though.
Maybe even ask her if she needs extra support from social services? They're not all bad!

Hence why the PARENT should have made sure she had some in after the first FULL bottle OP gave her, or even after one of the other times she has asked OP for calpol in-between being given the FULL bottle and now.
The child has to have been well enough in-between these times for the PARENT to go to the shop or do an online order for calpol..... amazon sell calool so dont even need to do a full grocery shop to get it delivered

Like I have said in a previous post in isolation it sounds like OP is being mean. But put it all together and the neighbour is the problem not providing BASICS (not just calpol) for her own child.

If she does it again, I’d call her bluff

”I’ll sit with baby while you get to the nearest shop/garage to buy calpol, luckily everywhere stocks it”

I had a very similar problem few years back with a young neighbor who moved in it started with please can I borrow an onion can I have a cigarette husband use to smoke then another I said buy him a packet back instead she would flirt and borrow more then escalated to nearly every other day something even tampax
I gave her a new box saying replace it when you go shopping
she never did some people are just born takers and you need to stop giving
I told the woman one day after months of borrowing
to not knock on my door again and she hasn’t we exchange hi if we’re passing each other and that is it
knock it on the head

While that's true fevers are scary, moving with a baby can bring more than normal disorganisation she may be getting used to the area and where to buy essentials, maybe previously she had a 24 hour shop across the road and is adjusting (that caught me out after a move)

All that said I'd never say no to londing Calpol but I had a child who had febrile seizures and I found myself needing Calpol at very random times out of nowhere, he'd go from entirely well to a temp of 40 in a blink and we always had a bottle in our bag but at times could run out if the other parent had used it.

I dunno I couldn't say no to Calpol in the moment but would probably have a chat after the fact

As others have, I was initially inclined towards to say “sick child = give the Calpol. Talk about her behaviour later.

However, let’s take a closer look at everything that’s gone on here:

1. First request - whole bottle given
2. Asked during the day - you said shop was open
3. You said asked ‘times’ during the day, suggesting there was at least a second daytime request
4. 11pm request - you have her a syringe
5. 6.30am the following day, “hammering” on door.

This is just incredibly bonkers. I think it’s the right thing for you not to get entwined with this women. In terms of teaching her a lesson by withholding it, I actually think that’s the right thing for the child’s health too. If the child has been so unwell that she’s got through a (whole?) bottle of Calpol and still can’t make sure she had it in the house then a scare of having to wait a few hours seems worth it to push her into better care.

Maybe say you’ve just bought one and if she would like to re-imburse you she can have it. If her daughter’s temperature was that high she should have gone to the Dr.

Yes, if it happens again tell her you'll call the doctor for her or help her seek medical advice. You will then find out what is really going on. No child should be constantly dosed up on calpol. I have heard of parents giving it just to knock a child out and make them sleep.

Alert medical or social services and the ignore this woman.

But some intervention needs to happen - she seems unfit to be in charge of a child.

Yes, absolutely this. To paraphrase the old saying, "Give a woman some Calpol and help her unwell child once; teach a woman to keep her own Calpol in stock and encourage her to help her own unwell child every single time".

All these posters saying for the Op to ask for it back may not have experience with chaotic people and/or grifters. If I had to borrow something, which I never have, I would pay it back immediately. But when I supported my neighbour she never once replaced the item or paid it back or got me a chocolate bar to say thank you.

The last time she wanted eggs. Not because of an emergency she just fancied eggs for dinner. She was treating me like a free shop.

They get by like this and/or rely on it. Her neighbour might be in desperate need but the OP has her own DC to be responsible for.

Not every other day though?

This would drive me mad as well, sounds like it’s been constant. She’ll never learn if you keep giving her things, so fair play.

I feel I’m annoyed with your husband though. Why can’t he answer the door himself and give her some if he’s so bothered about her? He’s leaving you to be “the face” of all of this, but then complaining that you’re handling it wrong.

Does she buy calpol/cereal back after she's borrowed?

Do you think it's a finance issue? Maybe she can't afford £3-4 for Calpol to 'keep in'. (In which case, she could take her child with spiking temp to the pharmacy and they could prescribe her some own-brand liquid paracetamol, I believe)

Or is it a general lack of effort/laziness?

I couldn't imagine knocking and asking to borrow wipes. I do use wipes, but when I run out, I just use a flannel / muslin / cotton wool / toilet roll / stick my child in the shower, etc. In fact, I'd rather use a towel and stick it in the washing machine than knock on to a neighbour's door and ask for wipes.

I think this needs differentiating.

Short-term, you'll lend a hand. Great: you did that. No quibbles with it.

Long-term, this is a situation where she is starting to rely on your generosity, and your husband is being generous with YOUR generosity rather than working with you to figure out what you say yes and no to as a couple and family. Structure helps and sometimes that means saying no, either as an individual, a couple or a household. It shines a light on the places people aren't taking responsibility where they could.

I lent the occasional item to my neighbour. However, if she replaced it, it was always with the cheapest alternative; eg. I gave her Andrex, she replaced it with the cheapest cardboardy paper available. Now I've always "run out".

Why are you gaslighting the OP by callig her cruel?

The mother is the one in the wrong.

OP apparently all you have to do is tell her to replace it.

Thats not gaslighting. This word so utterly and completely misused on this site.

No OP you are not being unreasonable. As it happened so many times she’s taking the piss, but the amount she’s asked to borrow it I don’t think you’re actually that far wrong with the SS route. Baby wipes, cereal, calpol etc are all basics you have in as a parent. Sure you can be caught out once but not as many times as it sounds she is. Does she look like she’s struggling in anyway?

I'd have given her the bottle of Calpol for her child & ask her to replace it next time she goes to the shop so you have a bottle in for your child should you need it. Anything else she asks for I'd carry on saying 'sorry we've not got that in'

I wonder, did the OP ever figure out why her husband was being malicious and unkind to the OP by pretending she was in the wrong and calling her names?

Is it because he fancies the neighbour, or just dislikes OP in general, or does he just love big noting himself and doesn't like the idea that he's not acting like a saviour in some grifter's eyes?

But OP already told her not to ask for it anymore the previous day. With some people “asking” will not work, they literally would need to have the door slammed shut in their faces to get the message across. No child has ever died from not receiving a single dose of Calpol and OP’s white knighting husband should really know better too before condoning CF behaviour from the NDN.

This rings so true.