AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

@EvilNextDoor not sure where you live but near where I am 24/7 supermarkets and pharmacies are definitely not a thing!!

I would have given her the calpol, and then told her the next day that she can’t keep asking me for things.

if she came round AGAIN asking for something, I would say I didn’t have it.

I would have given her a second dose. So would you if you'd ever seen a child have a febrile seizure!

The parent is the one doing that. I'm sorry, but they aren't a very good parent if they don't have the basics for their child. Children's paracetamol and first aid kit are something you should always have in. The neighbour is taking advantage and I would have it either. If the child is genuinely unwell, parent should seek medical attention from a professional.

I agree with this. There’s something fundamentally wrong if you can’t even afford a basic box of cereal. I wonder how old this child is, because these are the kind of kids that fall through the cracks.

I’d definitely report my concerns. I think you have to. And if social services turn up and say it’s all fine and she has a well stocked cupboard then at least you’ll know she’s just a cheeky fucker out for what she can get.

She’s using you like a free shop!

Is your DH just sitting there whilst you go and answer the door, deal with random requests for your stuff and then he criticises what you said when you got back? I would be speaking to him clearly about why I’m doing that.

She needs to go to the shops and not rely on you and your money to save the day. Has she ever replaced anything you have lent her?

When she first moved in, fine. But not now though unless she’s genuinely in need. You gave her a bottle of Calpol, a pack of wipes and a box of cereal. After this, she should know she has to keep on top of things.
Does she have a partner? It seems very odd but maybe she’s just not managing. Does she just have the one child?

I had neighbours like this. They were horrible to us AND kept scabbing food and buts and pieces like bloody pelicans. I got over that really quick. It was always mayo or milk, bandaids, whatever. Never, ever returned the favour. We lived about 500m from a supermarket as well. I ended up drawing a map to the supermarket on a piece of paper. I drew arrows that said “Your House”, “Pissed Off Neighbour’s House” and “Supermarket is HERE.” I wrote “The supermarket should always be your first choice. Stop coming over and interrupting our dinner or bed time.”

i don't think you are being unreasonable not to want to be repeatedly bothered by your neighbour for things she has run out of.
Although i am with your DP regarding the Calpol incident. I don't think its reasonable to refuse anyone whose child has a fever who doesnt in that moment have calpol and you do......

@winterwarmer8274 but why should the op when they had previously given calpol, if the child was that poorly their parent should have contacted 111 and explained how they are that negligent they have no supplies in the house. This is not on the op at all. 1st time I may have helped but this person is taking the piss now

I would be furious being woken up at 6/6.30 am and would have done the same thing.

That's quite a leap!

It sounds like she struggles to manage money. Money is probably very tight and she is failing to manage it well. The reason she's not buying these things is because she hasn't got the money. Lots of people are crap at managing money and if you have a low income that can easily result in no cereal, no calpol etc. Personally I'd just give her the things because otherwise it's the children who ultimately suffer. That's the bottom line.

But she wouldn't have been woken up if she'd let her have more calpol in the first place. Yes, the neighbour is crap with money, disorganised etc but ultimately it's the child that suffers. So I would choose compassion for the child's sake.

Really? What are they like to watch? Never indulged personally.

'I'd have given it to her but had a talk with her' doesn't cut it with these types.

You can make it as clear as you want to: people like this simply will not listen. The only thing they respond to is when another person's refusal to make their irresponsibility their own emergency results in inconvenient or unpleasant consequences for them. It is, unfortunately, the only language they understand.

A far bigger concern is that there's a child in the picture whose needs are clearly not being met. Despite the potentially unpleasant repercussions for neighbourly relations, I would consider it my duty to report this. Intervention and support may be needed, perhaps urgently.

In these circumstances, OP, that's the kindest thing you could do. Giving someene what they badly need and constantly capitulating to what they want are not necessarily the same thing.

Not unreasonable to say no, that's up to you... very unreasonable to be this angry at soneone clearly looking for help... particularly threatening SS.
Maybe someone will kick you at your lowest and karma will teach you some compassion.

As PPs have suggested, maybe call social services because it does sound as though the mum is struggling and they be able to help with budgeting courses or such

Yes, it's basic...so why is the child's own parent not sorting out those BASICS. "I expect the neighbour feels bad about having to keep asking". KEEP ASKING! She has asked multiple times and on a previous occasion been given a full bottle of Calpol. Stop making excuses for this CF failing her own child.

I was a single parent with little money and I always had cereal, milk, Calpol, nappies and wipes. I wouldn't have asked a neighbour.

I had a neighbour like this. She constantly wanted something picking up from the store or to borrow something (which wasn't usually urgent and never paid back). The one time I couldn't help I found out she was also going to another neighbour. I really don't mind helping someone but I was subsidising her lifestyle. She had the latest iPhone and I didn't. So I stopped and you must too.

If your DH wants to help he can but he must ensure there's enough for your family and think ahead! I bet his idea would change then.

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable
I was a single mum in a very isolated area, shop wasn’t open late or early, one bus an hour, no phone signal, ambulances struggled to find us🤣 I still didn’t do this. It’s easy for people who haven’t been in that situation to feel pity or guilt but in my experience this is usually tell tale signs that mum needs help managing her money, I would sit without things for myself but I always made sure I had calpol in, often ran out of wipes but used microfibres or towels just anything, you just make do with what you’ve got! I had a friend use swim nappies with a pad in, in a pinch when she ran out as she thought she still had another pack and couldn’t get out till morning! It’s just life. I’d have maybe gave her a syringe this morning but as I gave it I’d have told her she needs to prioritize having meds in house. I’d also be wondering how she’s used a whole bottle, I buy a bottle and it lasts longer than the use by date and ends up binned!

When a pharmacy dispenses "free Calpol" to an eligible patient under schemes like the NHS Minor Ailment Scheme or Pharmacy First, it costs the NHS roughly £5.00 to £9.00 per item**

Thhis is true, @NoSoapJustUseShowerGel, but I really wouldn't expect someone who thinks it appropriate to keep battening on a neighhbour to care about it

Regardless of what the latest request was for, it sounds as if a conversation's needed here - otherwise it'll just go on and on

What if the OP can’t afford to subsidise her?

If she can’t afford Calpol, she needs a discussion with her HV/pharmacist.

Yes it wasn’t in relation to the op as such, more in case anyone read that post and was unaware of the true cost of “free” calpol.

OP has done enough. She doesn’t even know the woman, why get sucked into her life. If she sees evidence that the kids are being neglected, then think about SS. At the moment she just looks like a cheeky fucker expecting strangers to bail her out.

I would have given her the bottle last night if her child is ill. I would address the borrowing issue another time, i.e. I would go round and have a conversation with her about it. Yes, she should be more organised and have Calpol etc in., but I can't ever see myself denying a sick child medication.

A high temp is actually the bodies way of killing/shortening duration of illness. Evidence shows where it’s not physiologically harmful to the child then you should not treat it. Known febrile seizure prone children then that is different and if neighbour’s child was prone to them and she didn’t always have anti pyretics at home at all times then it’s a safeguarding concern. So OP is absolutely right to not hand out calpol.