AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

I’d have done this too

And if the OP is wrong for not providing the basics for the neighbours child....... what word would be used to describe the mother of the child also not providing her OWN child's basic needs 🤔

What a shame that his penis prevents him from being able to take some calpol round himself

if he truly thought it was cruel he could have done so

Anybody can get caught short on the odd occasion, needing something that they don't have - and they might ask a one-off favour and then repay/make good soon after (as per PP's scenario); but not being prepared or bothering to think ahead about what her child needs is basically this mum's chosen norm.

Then why didn't he do something about it? Sounds like he is quick to criticise but expects OP to be the one running around after her.

Exactly I have asked a neighbour for an egg or something on the odd occasion, or for example we both have a pool for summer. If her chlorine top up hasnt arrived i have handed her some of mine and vice versa. I have a filter pump for my pool my neighbour doesnt, so now I have it in the morning and hand it over to her for the afternoon. I buy a box of filters we share, when they run out she orders the next lot. There is being neighbourly and then there is someone taking the piss.
So yes i am guilty of being caught short I am not disputing it happens..... but when I am reading ops post this was not a one off and seems regularly for the absolute basics for her child.
Thats why I am really defending the op..... as that is a much deeper issue. And the OP being slated is ridiculous, it is the parents responsibility to supply child's basic needs, not everyone else's.
If OP said that the neighbour was in a panic and this was a rarity I would say the OP was being unreasonable, but in this case I think she did the right thing.

It's not the OP's responsibility to provide medication (over and over) for a neighbour's child. Once, yes, it's a nice thing to do.

And the OP's husband presumably has legs, and could have taken it round if he felt differently.

Blimey so now if we have something our neighbour can't afford we have to give it to them? When does it end? Buying them a tank of petrol? A trolley full of food? A season ticket for work?

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s completely different when there is a sick child and mum on her own with them needing something.

Why is it ridiculous. How is a sick child different to the parent asking for money because they have no heating? By your logic the OP should be giving the neighbour money to ensure the child isn't in a cold house.

Well as Op hasn’t returned (I hope CF hasn’t come back and bopped her over the head with a full calpol bottle) I guess we will never find out the finer details or if her DH grew a pair and took the calpol round himself

This!

She already gave the neighbour a bottle of calpol before..... so surely then a parent would think ' u know what i dont want to be caught short like that again, let me grab a couple of bottles (the maximum you can buy at a time) so that doesnt happen again'. Calpol has a long shelf life and with kids your going to need it at some point 🤷‍♀️. People going on about its only a couple pounds aswell, I was elated when my kids became old enough to swallow a paracetamol tablet...... because they are SO much cheaper than the syrup version.
But this neighbour has asked repeatedly for the basics like cereal for breakfast and wipes.
Thats why it is like are you serious.
I am a single parent, that does not give me the right to go round everyone asking for things all the time. I have had to ask the odd favour yes but not what sounds like the OP's neighbour, and like I said before everyone slating the OP for not providing...... what word would be used for the mother not providing the basics for her OWN child...... REPEATEDLY

Which is why I said it was good OP was putting a stop to her asking for stuff all the time.

I didn't suggest OP keep everything in for her, FFS!

I just couldn't rest easy knowing a child's suffering was extended when I could have helped.

I have only once refused a request from my neighbour for something I did actually have (because it was a can opener, and they wanted to open non-vegan custard with it, which I didn't want on my can opener, though it's not a very good can opener and might not have worked anyway).

She (usually via children) has often asked for plasters from me. I have sent over the whole box before; once it was a new box with 20 in and it came back with 8 left. So after that I just gave them one at a time. Though I did give her a whole box at Christmas, with the spiced nuts we always make. So maybe she won't ask for a while. And they do still have a star head screwdriver bit of mine (I think it's lost). Phone charger is another one.

I would have just given her the bottle the night before, to save being disturbed again early. But that doesn't mean you have to.

Is it executive functioning skills (i.e. organisation) that is the issue with her, or money? I think it's a bit of both with my neighbour. Maybe put a leaflet through her door about community support (e.g. food banks etc)?

Calpol is not where I would draw the line. My son used to be prone to seizures from a fever, it is horrific, absolutely horrific and I would never begrudge Calpol to Satan himself.
Phone charger, cereal no, you can manage without. You cannot manage without Calpol. And yeah she's clearly unorganised and should have it in stock, but it's not made of gold and it's not worth making a child ill to prove a point.

YABU to refuse to give a child medicine that you have available. YWNBU to refuse to give pretty much anything else in future. But this was not the time imo.

I imagine you always had Calpol in that case?

The only person to blame for the child not getting Calpol is the person responsible for the child. The child was already ill and I imagine waiting a little bit longer for Calpol wouldn't have done any harm.

Though I'd also be curious as to when OP gave her a whole bottle of Calpol and if it was recent, how has she already gone through it all with just one child?

Addressing the borrowing issue yes, addressing it with calpol no in my opinion. I would have give her the bottle, if she didn't have any at 11pm it was very likely she wouldn't have any at 6am the next day.
Your timing for addressing the issue wasn't the best. Other than that she is taking the piss.

But this wasnt the first or even 2nd time this neighbour asking for calpol..
.. at what point do you say you Need to buy calpol for your own child. The 5th, 6th or 100th time your asked for it?
I would not be happy my door being knocked at 11pm or 6:30am, but i would be understanding if it was a caught short scenario. But this neighbour has asked for calpol for atleast 2 illnesses by the sounds of a previous post from OP where she says the first time was a night and for calpol where she gave her the bottle. Other times during the day for calpol, and now again at 11pm.
This child will always get to crisis temperature point if the child's mother does not start making sure she has everything for her own child. Once, even twice being caught short okay. But literally sounds like this child always needs calpol, and this mother always doesnt have any in for her child.
What if OP goes on holiday and this child needs calpol, what the parent going to do then?
She needs to have it in at all times, it has a long shelf life and guarantee it will be needed before the expiry.

No a child should not suffer, but it is the parent who should feel bad and responsible for not having the calpol, not the OP.

I’m assuming the neighbour hasn’t replaced any of the things she has asked for. She’s been given a new bottle of calpol already - did she buy a new bottle and give it to the neighbour? Or the box of cereal she has had, was it replaced? That would make a massive difference to how I responded to future requests.

This.

She sounds negligent whether thats because she can't be arsed or has poor foreard planning skills due to sen. Either way it is her child who is suffering and she needs more frequent help than you can provide. She will likely get the message that you aren't a pharmacy/ supermarket and can't be relied upon. She will either attach herself to someone else for help her or it might be the kick up the backside she needs to actually parent.

I'd be fuming if someone disturbed my sleep for something like that. I have an 8yo and 3yo and can count on one hand the times I've given them calpol. Appreciate that febrile convulsions exist, and there will be times that calpol is advisable, but kids shouldn't be given it as soon as their temperature goes up. It's the body's way of dealing with a virus. It's like allowing a stomach bug to run its course rather than attempting to stop the diarrhoea (in most cases). YANBU. Neighbour is a CF.

But why not the phone charger? She may need to call 999, or the hospital, or GP, or other help for her ill or imperiled child; or urgently look for important information associated with it.

Once you give up taking adult responsibility for yourself and expecting others to do it for you, there really is no limit as to how they 'could' potentially not prevent your child from suffering in some way if they decline.

You clearly weren’t in a terrible situation where you had no money at all, not even £2. I was there at some point in my life where I didn’t have even £0.50 in my account (no UC as not qualifying because husband salary etc, however after paying all bills, we were left with £0 ) however I didn’t go to neighbours but before judging, please try and put that mums shoes on. SS its extrem, specially with a broken and corrupt system. Wonder if you could have a conversation with the mum? Buy few thing for the baby as a good hearted person, and see how is it going