AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

I agree. She's either neglectful, disorganised or in dire financial straits. Whatever it is, she's not being fair on her kids in running out of basics all the time. Social Services might not be a bad idea. They can offer support.

I would have done the same. Infact probably wouldn't have given her the first dose. She could have a delivery for Calpol from a 24 hour supermarket with Deliveroo or Whoosh etc... I would also be cross at my husband for condoning her behaviour, it's the most basic thing to have in your medicine cupboard when you have children. I can never understand people who are needy and not self sufficient at times and make their problems someone else's.

She has already given a whole bottle of Calpol before. When is enough, enough?

I’d be concerned that she needs so much Calpol. What is going on? And no, it’s not OK for her to be constantly asking for things.

I voted YABU. The amount of times when DH worked away I got caught out. If this lady was on her own and needed calpol at 11pm then she wouldn’t have been able to get to the shops by 6.30 am and may still not have been able to get there with an ill child. Maybe she forgot to order calpol on her last food shop? Or thought there was more in the bottle than there was?
I know what it’s like to raise young children alone and not have the backup of a partner to help. I was lucky however to have really kind neighbours, we all helped each other out and gave each other bits and bobs if we were in a tricky situation.

The difference is that you helped each other.

OP's neighbour is taking, taking, taking.

I feel like you should have said no to some of the minor requests in the middle, once it was clear a pattern was emerging: but as you didn’t I would have given the whole bottle rather than one dose at 11pm when it’s not really practical to get any in the middle of the night rather than risk them coming back in 4-6 hours!

Not in the early days, I'd just left my abusive ex husband, was struggling to find my feet and certainly struggling to pay for things. "Just in case" bottles of Calpol didn't always make the shopping list.

Waiting for Calpol absolutely would have caused a seizure. They come on fast, my son has had multiple ambulance trips when I haven't been fast enough to spot and treat a fever sadly or the Calpol dose hasn't been enough to bring it down.

Luckily I had a mum who is very "just in case" and brings Calpol and piriton and whatever else she sees in the shop and thinks "oh I'll grab that for the grandkids just in case." And now I do keep a few just in case bottles. But this post has reminded me to make sure I know where they are as we've just moved and we haven't unpacked. But I also have a partner who can run to the shop, and friends that would give me a bottle of Calpol, and I them, if needed.

It's medicine, for a child. I couldn't begrudge it. Personally I just couldn't, but I also wouldn't begrudge anyone any essentials. I buy food and toiletries for the homeless people around the shops. I don't care why you're in the situation to be asking a stranger for essentials. We're all bloody human beings and it doesn't kill to help someone who is that desperate. She's not asking for money or booze or paracetamol for herself, it's bloody medicine for a child.

It's not about the woman. It's about the child, who can't go the shop and buy Calpol.

But the point isn't that the husband is a pathetic pushover - it's that he's slagging off and insulting his wife for no reason at all to defend an indefensible cheeky cow. That's why it's very likely, imo, that he fancies the grifting, cheeky cow of a neighbour and doesn't want to offend her.

Well indeed - he’s slagging the OP off from the comfort of his own bed whilst inexplicably thinking he has no agency over the calpol bottle

he's the knight who runs away at the first sign of effort

The child was suffering because of his mother not the op .

Yep.

Yep. It's possible too he's just a naturally unpleasant man who enjoys name calling his wife for no good reason. Either way, OP"s reaction to the grifting neighbour is normal and he sounds horrible.

And she was in fact given Calpol both the previous night and on another occasion.

Giving the grifting cheeky cow even more freebies on top of the wipes, phone charger, milk, cereal and two lots of medicine would be nonsensical.

OP is already her personal vending machine, should have ignored her the 3rd time it happened, and it really does have to immediately stop so the CF actually buys necessary supplies for her own kid.

and the child has a mother who needs to be more responsible.

OP has already helped....multiple times. Why isn't that good enough?

I would consider reporting to ss, there could be a reason she isn't providing these basic things for her child, some sort of addiction etc so she just doesn't have the money/sense to buy these basic things for her children. This on it's own will obviously mean nothing, but if she's on their radar it may demonstrate she needs more help and isn't coping. It isn't malicious to make a report if you are worried about a child.

How often does a healthy child need Calpol? I don’t remember giving it to my children very often, sounds like this woman is dishing it out like sweets if she had already been given a full bottle.

It sounds like the neighbour is in a bit of a crisis situation (financial). I think there ware netter, kinder, ways to assert your boundaries, though, and when a baby or child is ill or injured is not the right time. OP has a problem with the mother, but refusing to help when asked and able just hurts the child who is innocent. OP should knock on neighbour's door to say, I hope everything is ok, but I just cannot be your go-to. It's too frequent and I have my own children to provide for.
Be mindful, though, that regardless of how OP feels about the neighbour and how the neighbour goes about asking het for help, that there is a child behind her possibly needing help. Personally, I couldn't refuse helping if a child or other vulnerable person needed something I could offer.

👆🏻 this.

I think you need to have a discussion with her separate to any acute emergency and tell her it’s not acceptable to be banging on people’s doors at 11pm/6.30am. I would be furious. Also so many places are open late or overnight etc. to be able to go and buy calpol or whatever she needs.

I would have the same attitude as you OP and don’t think you are unreasonable at all to put your foot down here.

After the phone charger, I would have knocked and asked for it back. Then you could have mentioned that if it a real emergency, you don’t mind helping out if you have it but you expect her to provide you with the money/replacement for it.
Eg, baby wipes are not a necessity so easy to say no to. Calpol, I probably would have given the whole bottle but reminded her you’d already given her a bottle before & tell her that you’d appreciate if you replace this and give a fresh bottle back. If she doesn’t then the next time say you don’t have any because you were waiting for her to give it back.

she asked at 11 pm
and t hen again at 6.30 am
how do you expect her to have shopped in those hours
you are being mean

i mean the cereal is annoying and reminds me of a lazy neighbour i had, came round for squash, for biscuits, at one point even her husband came round for milk

I have (genuinely!) lovely neighbours who have become good friends and we do the borrowing of stuff this from time to time - not every week but more regularly than once in a blue moon. However the big differences are that 1. It's always reciprocated and items replaced and 2. one of them is my dsis which probably makes the dynamic different!

What's the dynamic like with your neighbour outside the emergency borrowing like? That would probably influence how I would handle it tbh.

I think you need to have a conversation with her today. No borrowing and no knocking at antisocial hours. I would consider that she isn’t coping well
as a parent if she regularly isn’t prepared as a parent. I think most parents have had the odd occasion where an essential runs out but this sounds constant. Or she is spending her money on non essential’s. I would consider social services if it carries on.

If someone woke me up at 6 and 11 they would need the calpol for themselves. I would be raging.

I would always give a sick child medicine though. That lousy. I would have given the bottle and said ‘never ask me for anything ever ever again’ and it would be so worth the price of the bottle.