AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

Your not wrong she’s taking the piss 100% but choosing a time that her child has a fever to make your stand is a bit wanky I personally couldn’t turn down a sick child regardless to how pissed off I was with their parent.

It's designed to be soothing and attractive to little ones - with the sweet strawberry taste and the comforting gloop on your tongue - whether they want it, need it or understand the fact that it's primarily a medicine. That's the job of the parent: to give it to them only when it's necessary; and then the child happily consumes it, because it tastes nice.

I would be worried that a parent who is clearly not the wisest might even be giving it as a 'treat', or at least a habitual thing that the child likes and responds well to. We were once horrified to encounter a 9yo boy at a party, whose parents bought him WKDs from the bar - "Because it calms him down" - so I don't doubt that there will be plenty of parents who wouldn't hesitate to (wittingly or not) abuse something that is specifically made for small children.

Agreed. I had a neighbour who did this. Turns out she was an alcoholic, who allowed her bf to abuse the kids. We phoned SS and the kids were removed to nans and lived a far better life.
Sometimes it needs doing.

She needs more serious help it seems, not your responsibility

What was the time scale from you giving her a fill bottle of calpol to needing more??

YANBU and I would say to DH that he is welcome to deal with her but you won’t. And he will have to replenish your supplies as you won’t.

I did a bit of a double take here. I see there is a habit of using acronyms on Mumsnet.
But to call the SS....seriously, Hitler Schutzstaffel is a bit over the top. 😂

calpol is £3 or £4 the fact you let a child be in pain to prove a point to the parent is disturbing your actually an awful person and to mention SS is just malicious wow how can you think your in the right here

So no comments or thoughts on the child's parent leaving them in pain or discomfort or unfed? Just lots of name calling towards the OP who has already gone above and beyond to help this child.

Wouldn’t really say gone above and beyond for a single syringe of calpol 🤣

Because this neighbour could be harmful for the child. It isn't mallice. The neighbour could very well be neglecting the child.

People often use the excuse of needing help for children as they are more likely to be told no gor themselves. Calpol for instance. Had she asked for fiver, you'd likely say no. But you are far less likely to deny meds for a child.

My old neighbour always asked for nappies but would but vodka for herself.

It isn't always as simple as it seems.

This comment is pointless as it shows you've not even bothered to read the OPs posts.

Other brands are also available for less.

I agree it shouldn't be on the neighbour to keep medicine in stock for the neighbour. They gave them a bottle before (which it sounds like was never replaced) so it's down to the neighbour for not getting another bottle in and either being cheeky enough to think someone else will always intervene and help, or to be naive and lack the ability to care for a child in which case a safeguarding concern being raised is justified.

You gotta watch those single mums they are all desperate to nab your husband's they'll try anything don't let them hear him 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wouldn’t refuse the calpol, but I would expect her to replace the bottle she’s borrowed.

Can she afford supplies? Is she too embarrassed to say she can’t, I personally couldn’t refuse a child medicine and agree that yes you were cruel…you could have said something along the lines of ‘you can have this last dose but you MUST get better organised and have this in as we can’t keep supplying it!’

I think if you had the means to help and didn’t then YABU. I couldn’t tell how long it had been going on for though. I wouldn’t personally knock and ask for wipes/calpol etc but I’m incredibly fortunate to have been able to access these easily and always had enough to replace them, I realise this isn’t the case for everyone.
I think it it was me, I’d put together a little bundle of stuff maybe with some own brand calpol (lots of people don’t realise it’s the same but cheaper!) and depending on baby’s age maybe some teething stuff etc. I’d take it over and explain that I work long hours and need my sleep and I’m not always able to help out, but didn’t want her to feel alone and here’s some stuff to tide you over so we can both have a better night’s sleep. Friendly but firmly putting a boundary down.

DO NOT DO THIS. It's enabling the behaviour and she will only do it more. Once is an emergency. Repeated requests, and at unsociable hours, is not. It's a piss take. She's already had a full bottle of Calpol and full box of cereal, among other things. If you do want to help then I suggest next time she knocks you give her the directions to and the opening hours of the local supermarket.

Is she on her own, does she have money or is she skint and struggling?

Even if I was irritated by her lack of organisation I'd have given her the Calpol, I couldn't see a child suffering because their parent was hopeless. Some of the other stuff, yes

I'd also try and have a conversation and find out what's going on in her life.

You can get Calpol free if you're on benefits she's disorganised not too poor

I have to say this thread has been eye opening as to how many people as quick to blame the OP and ignore the actual parent in this situation.

The phrase no good deed goes unpunished has never been more appropriate.

The OP has been called all kinds of names and the mother painted by many as some sort of destitute helpless single parent who needs to take no responsibility for her child.

That list 😂

Including a fiver! CF!

I think, as always with these threads, we can be certain that 99% of these Really Kind people will never actually do the list of great deeds they demand of the OP.

Oh absolutely it's so easy to be generous when it's not your money or time being asked for. It was interesting to see how many just ignored the parent completely in their eagerness to criticise the OP though.

Tbf OPs own husband has the same attitude 🤣

This mother and child seem to need long term help, which i think is unfair for any neighbour to have to deal with all the time.
Unless you live in the middle of nowhere I dont see how you can have the excuse (not on the odd occasion but frequently) of not having in essentials for your child. As there are so many grocery delivery options, including same day and within an hour delivery options now.
If it is financial then the neighbour needs professional help with that, to check if she is on all eligible benefits, budgeting ect. If she would be entitled for the water scheme in her area, where I am the water company has the big difference scheme that can lower bills upto 90% i believe if you met criteria, or watersure if you have over a certain number of children in the house and/or disability in the house.
Maybe my experience with a person like this has made me less kind and understanding, but honestly in my experience it will always be a drama and things will always be needed for the kids. My experience it was because the mother would rather spend money on wine and things she wanted, before providing for her kids.
And OPs neighbour really needs to sort things out as kids just get more expensive, this child sounds young but will be starting school so that will be uniform costs ect.
And I think we need to remember that this sounds like multiple requests for absolute basics over a short period of time. So in isolation it sounds harsh to not give medicine for a poorly child, but the bigger picture paints a different picture. One where a parent never has medicine in for the child, sometimes doesn't have basic food in for the child like cereal and milk.
Help people yes I will still help people, but I cant be taking on the grown up responsibility for someone else's household. Nor will I enable it, and alot of the time the requests for things for the kids are hiding a deeper issue with the parent. So organisations like social services becoming involved could actually be the best thing for that child. I havent had social services myself eventhough I have actually asked them myself for a child in need assessment for my autiatic daughter (they said i was doing everything I should be doing 🙄), I do know people who have had social services support where funding has been allocated for them to decorate for example, help filling out DLA forms or applying for EHCP.
If nothing untoward is happening in OPs neighbours house then social services wouldnt be a problem, its okay to need a bit of support. But there are organisations for that, you cannot constantly be asking other people to provide the basics.