AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I agree. Of course there are the Jack the Lad types and one of those I know has been having an affair for decades - a second family scenario. But the ones that surprised me when I was young and being propositioned were the very boring, unassuming ones who you’d think would be devoted husbands. Of course some of the men were devoted to their wives and they were lovely and more fatherly towards me but some of the Brians and Dereks were definitely predatory and I’m sure their wives never thought they’d cheat.

Are the statistics skewed by say one man being hyper unfaithful? I know a few men who would drop their pants for their best friends wife. I'm pretty sure most men would consider a side shag if the opportunity came along and zero rusk of getting caught.

But I don't belive that there are unlimited women falling over themselves for the adverage married, exhausted middle age man. There's is presumption here that all husbands are irresistible.

Too many of my friends partners have the people skills of a potato for a start. Sure lots of the dads are very clever and look after their appearance. But they are visible to me via being great dads and partners. Clever witty men at work talk fondly of their wives.

So who is swooning over the other 30% who look like a potatoes and have the charm of a toilet brush?

Yes, that's a good point. I can say 100% that he wouldn't cheat for a quickie. That's just not his style. Like your partner, if he were to cheat, it would be for someone he had serious feelings about and I agree that it would be hard to hide that.

This is what gives me the heebie jeebies.

I worked for a long time in an industry with lots of men and was often so shocked by the type of men hitting on me. There was one guy I felt so safe round because he was never done talking about his wonderful wife of 20 years and their kids and all their holidays they had coming up etc etc. And then one day he kind of corners me (non threatening but defo sleazy) and said something along the lines of “my marriage is a bit on the dull side sex wise but every now and then I like to fuck someone else and it really livens things up for us in the bedroom”. 🫣🥴

I do suspect cheating is just not a big deal for a lot of men in the way that it is for women. They see it as a little night off before they go back to the woman they love and the life they’ve built together. They’re nice guys who genuinely love their wives but I just don’t think they truly understand what a breach of trust it is for their partners.

I personally don’t think sitting around worrying about something that may or may not be happening is worth my time. It’s right to trust your partner until you have reason not to.

Do you think how upset they would be if you cheated, reflects the likelihood of them cheating?

I dont mean from a jealousy point of view, I mean from a kick in the guts, heartbroken, could never forgive you pov.

I doubt the actual percentage is as near to the 100% many claim, but perhaps it also depends on how they cheat, though admittedly any cheating is cheating, if a partner cheats on you emotionally is it the same as cheating physically

People who talk fondly of their partners are just as likely to cheat as those who don’t tbh. Theres a big chunk of those who cheat who have absolutely no intention of being found out or of leaving. They like their lives as they are - plus a bit extra.

I am 100% sure my Husband has never cheated because I know him incredibly well. I know he is awkward and not very aware, ive had to point out to him in the past that a woman was flirting, he is very unaware and I do suspect some ND. But I know him, we have grown up together and I feel I know him better than he knows himself at points.

That doesnt mean im naive enough to say it will and would not ever happen, I am just confident it hasnt so far in our 25 year relationship.

Anyone that has been cheated on im sure will say oh you never know, I thought the same etc but I know him, I know us and yes I am completely confident and would stake my life on it.

But I also believe ANYONE has the potential to cheat in the right circumstances and I think you would be naive to think it never could happen.

I don't believe every man is a cheater but I 100% believe that men that are fundamentally selfish within the marriage, clearly putting themselves first, ahead of wife and children, not pulling their weight, possibly mean, not hands on with their children when young are the type that I have known time and time again to step outside their marriage opportunistically, and to be found to be having affairs.

They were never fully in, in the first place!

Clearly you should only stay with someone you can trust. So those who are in committed relationships rightly believe that their partner is faithful.

As we have seen many times on mumsnet and elsewhere, sometimes that trust is misplaced and an affair is discovered.

So ultimately my view on it is: “I believe deeply that my partner will be faithful, but realistically I am aware that I may someday be proved wrong”.

I was that wife: my husband wouldn’t cheat, he’s just not the type, plus he’s always so busy with work he wouldn’t get the chance.
But he did. Not an affair, but sex workers quickly after work before heading home, and again late at night whilst on an overnighter with work. Chatting to sex workers throughout the working day asking for photos. OnlyFans in the evening when I was putting the kids to bed.
So yes, naive.

I’m in the 100% camp, but there is an element of selection bias in that I’m less likely to post if I actually think he is cheating (and also less likely to stay in the relationship once I’m at that point).

As PP have said, I might one day find out that I’m delusional, but I’d much rather that happen than live my life with a sneaking suspicion and distrust. I’ll trust him completely until he proves me wrong, and I expect the same courtesy from him.

When one of my partners cheated no one believed me because he wasn't the type. Well turns out even 'wasn't the type' ones also cheat.

Where are these surveys getting their statistics from?

Although I got divorced due to cheating in the marriage, it could not be used as a reason for divorce (well where I live anyway). Most of the time the reason for divorce used is 'breakdown in communication'.

Perhaps when I have spare time I'll research the stats on breakdown of communication rather than divorce due to affairs for truer statistics.

I'd still like to know how the statistics are generated though.
My ex had four affairs. Where are these reported to add the the % of 30% pp have suggested is a truer figure.

I just googled and I'm getting answers of between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 people admitting to cheating (roughly equal numbers between men and women) so I don't think it's as high as 50%.

Sound more realistic and some will be serial cheaters - often with other serial cheaters.

However I don't think anyone can know for sure - it's a matter of trust why when it comes out the loss of trust is so hurtful and destructive.

Less sure there's a type - think it can be anyone under particular set of circustances.- well high numbers as some never will due to taking vows serioulsy and that may not be clear to others as it is to them.

Self-reporting on surveys.

Men are as faithful as their opportunity. They are an opportunists when it comes to sex. The vast majority of men who haven't cheated it's because they haven't had easy sex offered to them.
Some men actively pursue extra martial sex, but there are many men who don't do this, but wouldn't turn it down.
I think this is in men's nature.

I completely agree with this. The concept of lifelong fidelity is a nonsense. In my experience lifelong relationships only really work with people who are too timid or rigid to be able to grow and learn. Its very obvious to me that marrying any of the people I dated in my 20s would have been disastrous. No one should marry young in my opinion.

But preoccupation with cheating peaks when women have young children and are “trapped” in the sense that getting out of the marriage would be a real upheaval. Once the children are launched and particularly post menopause the compulsive urge to hold onto a man and show the world he belongs to you tends to subside. People become more chilled and laissez faire.

I can’t see myself cheating: it would just be yet another thing to have to do. I don’t have any reason to think my partner would but I don’t know and that’s the nature of the game. You don’t know.

If he did cheat my primary emotional response would be contempt and pity at him for feeling the need for the cheap ego boost. Whether I could get past it would depend on the circumstances but it would be hard to respect him again. It certainly would not destroy my self esteem in the way ot would have when I was younger.

A quick check shows statistics worldwide for the reason for divorce due to breakdown of communication is 65% to 70%.

Of course this could be for all sorts of reasons, but in mine and I believe many cases, the actual reason is cheating / affairs.

The statistics are quite flawed on affairs I feel.

I have been married for 30 years.
i have many opportunities to cheat, but I have no interest. DH is by no means Adonis, but neither am I. There is a comfort and contentment I would never jeopardise.

When anyone gives a 100% statistics in casual conversation, they neevr mean 100%. It is a turn of phraise and there is usually a reason why they need to say it, people don't randomly work this into a conversation.

Of course my partner might cheat, might rape someone, might abuse children, might beat the shit out of me or the neighbour, might have a secret family, might be covered in debt, might be many things but I can't go around thinking all the "might" things.

Same here, he disapproved of the behaviour, except then I discovered that he did.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with the issues the OP has raised.

But since we’re taking this approach: are you unhappily married @MrsShawnHatosy? Do you tell yourself that even if he’s cheating on you, at least it’s better than being single?

I think it's the same pool cheating over and over. So maybe 50% of marriages, for example, but the same men on second or third partners.

Despite what reading mn would have us believe, there are actually quite a lot of decent people out there.