AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I don't consider myself naive, and I by no means think my husband is perfect but I'd be very surprised if he had been unfaithful. My ex 100% was, I was under no illusion there but my husband is very different.

My dad cheated on my mum several times and she stayed with him. It turns out a vast number of her friends had been through the same thing but due to other people's judgement and not wanting to be seen as a 'doormat', they kept it quiet. It is like a secret society that you can join once your husband has been unfaithful. It certainly made me look at marriage in a different way. I don't think you can trust anyone 100%, but once you realise that, it allows you to be realistic and takes some of the anxiety out of it.

@friedaklein

I have many opportunities to cheat, but I have no interest. DH is by no means Adonis, but neither am I. There is a comfort and contentment I would never jeopardise.

I am the same. I don’t have the energy and don’t want to jeopardise my life and stability. I respect my partner and I know it would be delusional to think I could easily find someone better.

But that’s not the same as saying you 100% know your partner would never cheat because they “are not like that”. Millions of people don’t cheat due to expediency or inertia or not wanting to lose out financially or not wanting to upset their children. All perfectly valid and that’s what keeps most marriages together.

But that’s a different story from being morally opposed to cheating, which is a claim that is often made on here on behalf of husbands. You see people saying their partner “hates cheating”, ergo they know they would never do it. Frankly that is silly. No one is going to say to their spouse: “I love cheating.” Of course they would say that.

Yes 100% they are being naive IMO. I don’t think you can understand this until you’ve been a person that’s 99% sure their partner wouldn’t do it, they vehemently oppose cheating etc only to find out they are actually a dirty dog. Some women never find out so they continue to say ‘not my man.’ I’m going to go out on a limb and say the only men that don’t cheat are the ones that aren’t presented with the opportunity to cheat with someone they actually like / fancy. I don’t care if people think I’m bitter, cynical or whatever.

Anyone could cheat. Anyone might cheat in future. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

I think it can depends on what your family experience was in the past. If your grandparents or parents experienced cheating, you might form very strong views on it based on the pain you experienced or saw it caused as a result. I'd probably assume someone vocally morally opposed to cheating has seen something that has made them feel that way.

A counsellor I saw suggested that you don’t need to trust each other but to trust yourself.

I won't.

I mean, marriage was only ever really about controlling women, wasnt it? All about men being sure the children were theirs.

Historically it was acceptable and expected that men would cheat or have mistresses. If they were discreet about it, it would be politely overlooked.

Fair enough. I don't think DH has cheated but I can't be 100%.

Having said that, we both do solo travels, go out on our own, don't check each other's phones. Not interested in living a suspicious life.

Sure. But there’s often a big gulf between what people think and say about their moral values and what they actually do.

Your subconscious or private behaviour can be wildly different from your publicly stated beliefs.

Anyone can say they experienced infidelity in their childhood and hate it. But that doesn’t necessarily translate to an inability to cheat. It could actually emotionally predispose someone to be more likely to cheat.

Its all highly unpredictable and its a fool’s errand to pretend to be confident in predicting the behaviour of another person.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but the premise of your logic is wrong.

If the thread is about cheating, then you will get these types of respondent:

• people who know they've been cheated on
• people who've been cheated on but don't know
• people who haven't been cheated on and say they haven't
• people who haven't been cheated on and say they don't know
• (rarely) people who haven't been cheated on but think they have

Only one group accurately know that they've been cheated on or not. The statistics aren't necessarily better here, because men who cheat can then go on to do it to another wife who does or doesn't know.

I don't know if my husband has cheated. I think out of the two of us, I'm more likely to cheat because I'm better at lying and compartmentalisation (thanks, mum).

I think he's not likely to cheat because he's not massively inclined that way, and despite being extroverted, he's not great at social cues. And the beer belly is out of control at the moment, whilst all I need to attract a man is my cracking tits.

It's not a particularly romantic view, but I think that's reasonably realistic.

I work in a field where I am away at conferences and seminars regularly. Cheating happens all the time. One night stands after the dinner and bar that are never mentioned again. And there isn't a "type" who do it, it can be anyone at all. However, it would be a miserable way to go through life always expecting your partner to cheat, so I would rather trust someone and have that broken. But at the same time, I would never and will never compromise my financial independence, as I want to be able to walk away at any time if needed.

I’m sure a lot of married men have visited escorts at some point. I suspect that is more common than affairs. Affairs are usually messy. People develop feelings, get jealous, etc. But you can visit an escort without anyone ever knowing.

The problem is, huge numbers of men now work on a laptop, and a man sat in front of a laptop is going to glance at porn sooner or later. From porn it is an easy jump to an escort site.

I've seen this said about marriage - and it often historically was a contract between families rather than anything to do with love or two people.

However documentaries I've seen about marriage seem to be more about stopping men leaving women and kids high and dry when they get fed up. The catholic church in europe decieded it had to be formally done on their grounds at some point because they were fed up dealing with cases deciding if this marriage was valid or not.

Prior to that it was courting publically and families and wider society accepting it as a fact they were married.

But yes men did keep mistresses - if they had money and power was almost expected. Some systems in different countries at differnt times recongised those relationships others didn't.

Marriage is a legal contract - with rights and consqeunces - even now - so even now it can offer some protection or actually be detrimental if one side had more assets depending on local laws.

I think there’s an element of opportunity. Dh is socially awkward, works from home, I often work from home but days vary so he’d struggle to coordinate an affair without being found out. In our current situation I would be very surprised if he worked in an affair. When he worked an hour away and I was home with three under 4s I did feel less secure. I think my security now comes from 22 years marriage, strong communication and the fact that if he did cheat, I have finances that mean I can tell him to leave. Being financially non reliant but choosing to stay through love and respect does bring a different perspective. I am confident dh wouldn’t cheat and I’m happy if that’s naive because the alternative is to remove trust from our relationship and that’s not a good place to be.

I think that sounds about right though. If 80% of women are sure their partners have never cheated, that means 20% know they have and are still with them. Another 30% may experience infidelity at some point in their relationship and probably end it. It just means 80% are confident that their partners have not cheated and hence why they are still together. That makes sense. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fwiw, I’m confident that Dh has never cheated. I’ve been cheated on in every serious relationship I’ve ever had before. I definitely would not have said I was confident that any of those hadn’t or wouldn’t cheat on me. But that’s why I’ve happily been married to Dh for 18 years and not the others. Because he’s very principled and very devoted to me. But if he ever did, I’d sniff that shit right out and I would know.

In my 30s I worked in an off licence, restaurant/take away, call centers, bank etc. So did my single female friends 27-40. We were all spun the story by married men that they were staying in their marriages for their children/couldn't afford to leave. These were the men you wouldn't suspect. We used to think, if sex is all on offer, why did they think we'd pick them?
We all had contact with the police/fire brigade/taxi drivers etc, again they were married but up for sex, if we were interested. The amount of married police men who'd follow up things, by giving a home visit, to make sure we were ok, seriously needed investigation. Their colleagues knew what they were upto. When my DH died the amount of his married/partnership friends who'd happily service me, was disappointing.
There's offers from bus drivers. They aren't all in the gym on their breaks. They find the time when it suits them to. They might not have actually cheated, but only because no-one has took up their offer.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis

Exactly right. But this underlines what a nonsense it is to claim to have certainty about the inner life or future behaviour of another person.

The whole concept of certainty relies on proof. By definition you cannot prove to know behaviour which is in the future. Even the people who have actually been cheated on cannot know it will happen again.

You can have a very strong conviction about the likelihood of infidelity in your relationship and your conviction may be correct. But you can’t know. Of course you can’t.

My experience was similar. I was 100% sure my ex husband wouldn't ever cheat until he did, and after deciding it would be preferable to stay together and I forgave him, he did it again.
I think the devastation was compounded by the fact it was such a shock that it was my perfect husband, my best friend, who had cheated on me. I certainly wouldn't ever put my trust in a man again.
And to make matters worse, because he was perceived as such a good husband, his friends, family and colleagues were convinced it must have been my fault.

Completely agree with this - my husband is pretty simple and couldn’t be sneaky if he tried. I definitely know him better than he knows himself. Plus, I know where he is all the time - we do everything together 🤷‍♀️

All these men don't cheat on their own do they?
Also no one is encouraged to trust anyone in any situation these days.

I thought the same. We'd been together for 20 years. I'd have bet my life that he'd never cheat...until I found out he had been for many years. I still have no idea where he found the time, but he did.

Your reasoning is obviously flawed.
You estimate that 80-90% of people ON HERE are 100% certain their husband has never cheated.
That is a much much smaller pool of people than the general population, where 50% of men will stray at some point (I’m going to assume that figure is broadly correct).

You can’t necessarily extrapolate that 50% figure to the population of mumsnet users without doing a proper study of the mumsnet population. I can’t be sure, but I would guess mumsnet users are not a representative sample of the general population.

So no, I don’t think people who 100% believe their husbands will never cheat are deluded. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.

With the degree he relies on me for simple day to day life admin, I.e. finding socks, what day of the week it is, when he needs to book annual leave…I’d have to organise the affair for him.

He’s not cheating- unlikely to be arsed even if he wanted to 🤣