AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Ha, interesting thought experiment! If you could buy fidelity insurance, how high would the premiums be?

Question one on the application form: Is he "the type" to cheat?

😂😂

Same re: personal bank accounts and one joint one!

The idea that my money is his money, and his money is my money, is just anathema to me. I don't comprehend it. I don't think that's really the same thing as trusting his fidelity or not, though.

Well if my husband did ever cheat on me I'd simply get rid and not waste any more of my life on an excuse of a man as life's too short!
Why women stay I have no idea.

I totally agree. I will always keep my own money as mine.

But yeah, separate thing to cheating of course.

Hmm. I think financial trust and sexual/romantic trust are not that closely correlated. Logically you're right, they should be, but in practice?

I'm one of those who trusts her DH not to cheat, or at least acts as though I have 100% trust in him. But I'd never pool all our money, never in a million years. The idea of putting all my income into an account that any other person could access actually gives me the shivers. It's not to do with him, it's to do with money and the importance of financial independence. I would never expect a man to let me access all his money, either!

One of the most paranoid women I've known about her husband cheating was a SAHM with no plans to return to work. I didn't know whether the latter created the former or if not, how she made it make sense.

An actuary would have a hard time figuring out the risks in order to work out the premiums. Which completely blows a hole in the “he’s not the type” argument.

Its impossible to tell who is more likely to cheat.

That’s why people draw up prenups.

I think I can say with absolute certainty that my husband would never have an ‘affair’. He simply isn’t sly enough. If he’s done something ‘wrong’ it’s written all over his face and he genuinely wouldn’t be able to handle the logistics of an affair.

However, that’s not to say that I 100% trust he wouldn’t shag someone in a ons. I don’t think he would, but he could.

@gannett Agreed. My first husband never cheated, but he did drain all of our joint bank accounts and hide assets and savings leaving me literally homeless when I left. I'm still in privately rented over a decade on, despite working very hard in a professional career.
Thank God I never became a SAHM as he so fervently pushed for! And that I had one personal bank account my wages went in to!
Any woman that does not have access to a bank account in her own name is incredibly foolish.

I'm one of those who trusts her DH not to cheat, or at least acts as though I have 100% trust in him. But I'd never pool all our money, never in a million years. The idea of putting all my income into an account that any other person could access actually gives me the shivers. It's not to do with him, it's to do with money and the importance of financial independence. I would never expect a man to let me access all his money, either!

I am EXACTLY the same as you!! I trust my husband not to cheat on me but we aint never gonna pool our money

Well, I think you’re right about the SAHM. She’s put her financial eggs into her romantic/sexual basket, so she’s got to hope he doesn’t run off with Barbara from Accounts. Of course it makes her paranoid.

Though what is actually fascinating me on this thread is the number of posters who say their DH is so introverted and hermit-like he would never pluck up the courage to talk to another woman, let alone shag one (I mean, did they just date their wives while drinking themselves into Dutch courage, or had they had a temporary personality transplant?).

Also the posters who say their husband doesn’t have ten minutes in his week to play away because he’s literally bolted to their side 24/7 because they work together, go to the gym together, and spend the rest of the time watching tv together or seeing the same friends.

The latter sounds so suffocating.

Whenever I read those posts I think hmm, both DH and I have SO MUCH opportunity to cheat if either of us wanted, and the other would never know. Shrug.

He simply isn’t sly enough.

But that's what a sly person would make you think!

I would never pool money either. I am the higher earner so for me it would be nuts to do so and obviously I would never get married. Maybe I would feel differently if I were the lower earner but I do think psychologically it’s incredibly important to have some money that it just yours.

I don’t think that sexual and romantic trust are particularly correlated either but the finances become important suddenly if you are cheated on.

My biggest fear is having to remain with someone and having to make nice with them knowing they had cheated on me. I would do anything to avoid this, including living in poverty.

So I would want a pot of “fuck off” money for that eventuality so that I could run for the hills if I was cheated on.

Still no return by the OP.

Yes of course I don’t teach my daughters to rely on a man and you need to be able to support yourself etc. But don’t we all rely on each other? If you’re so suspicious and cynical that you can’t ever let go and always need to be fiercely entirely self supporting that’s a sad way to be. And sorry but there are posters that judge and look down on women that aren’t career focussed.

Every single boyfriend I've ever had had the capacity to cheat although not all of them did as far as I'm aware! However I absolutely know my husband has never cheated. He just isnt the type. He could not cope with the lying and decit. I think most men have the capacity given a certain set of circumstances.

I don't accept that being self-supporting equates to being "suspicious and cynical". Its just good self-protection.

I would decouple the discussion emotional/sexual trust from financial self-protection. As stated many times on this thread, it's hard to function in a marriage without trust. You have to act with trust even if there's a chance that trust isn't deserved. That's a starting point for a healthy marriage or partnership.

But that doesn't mean you have to throw yourself at the financial mercy of another person. It's perfectly possible to be happily enmeshed with someone and to act as if you plan to remain together forever but retain some control over your finances. I am in a happy, long-term relationship with someone who I plan to be with forever and have no reason to think (on current evidence) that he would cheat on me. But I'd be an idiot to assume that this is enough to underpin my financial security for the rest of my life.

And I don't think there's anything 'sad' about that. I feel better knowing that I have a back-up plan if our relationship fails. He feels better knowing I'm not entirely dependent on him. Honestly its a win/win.

As for people looking down on women who aren't career focused: I can't speak for others: I don't look down on them and I understand totally that a career often takes a back seat in people's lives for a multitude of reasons. But there's a difference between sharing the load financially and stepping back from earning and seeing a marriage as a life-long meal ticket.

The former I absolutely don't look down on. I do question the sanity of people who go into a marriage expecting to be able to rely on their husband's income in perpetuity.

I do trips where it’s not with my colleagues (where I know their partners) but with other peers and clients who I loosely know socially. Also conferences where one person from the office is sent. We overlap somewhat, catch up with these people at different trips and events. There’s a lot of alcohol involved, and a lot of flirting, and I think it feels anonymous enough for people to cross the line.

I’m also shocked now I’m older (and things have changed around acceptability) at the amount of men willing to be very open about it - strip clubs after multiple drinks, escorts publicly or people they’ve brought back to the hotel who will join us for breakfast. Or there is all the smirking and laughing as they walk into breakfast at 8am in previous night clothes for a quick Dover up coffee before the meeting. They’re often older, married, have kids, I might have met their kids for work experience, and it just feels so gross.

I have actually been surprised when it has been colleagues, and I have never noticed (and wouldn’t suspect) and then they have to declare their relationship according to company policy before leaving partners and moving in together

I work in a team of four men and one other woman. Only one of them is faithful (as far as I know he is anyway, and I would be shocked if he wasn’t).

Two live with their affair partners.

I believe most people would cheat given the opportunity, but I still believe there are faithful people out there.

I’m sorry to hear that. Psychology aside, my husband doesn’t have the opportunity to have an affair because he’s nearly always at home, with me being in and out of the house with no set schedule.

“Isn’t perfect”

Does not mean “isn’t good” @Gloriia

Has your life experience involved being cheated on @Gloriia ?

If you read my posts you'll see that I know plenty of people who thought it would never happen to them and were sadly wrong, always dull blokes who you wouldn't think had it in them.

I don't think any one of us should be naive. Obviously we shouldn't live in a constant state of suspicion but there's a middle ground. Live your life just don't think they'd never do that. Many do.