AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I'm amazed at the number of posters who seem to know the ins and outs of their workplace affairs to this extent! I've never had any idea about (or interest in) my colleagues' personal lives. I travel for work a bit now and everyone in my company is just normal and professional (and if they're shagging around then they're doing it discreetly, which I would've thought would be the norm for extramarital affairs). Maybe I just don't pay enough attention to other people, or maybe I'm lucky in the various companies I've worked in.

I honestly thought the same about mine. Was wrong though!

if you think he’s not the type because he’s always been disapproving of others doing so, very respectful of women and not particularly good socially, I’m afraid it means very little.

My husband and I have our own personal bank accounts and a joint account for shared bills. Ive been told on here that I am weird and must not trust him for not pooling all our money into one shared pot 🤣

Regarding back ups, that isnt always practical. When our children were little for example, the cost of childcare was more than I being paid at the time so its not always as straightforward as this but I do agree its prudent to save your own money

I know very few men who have stayed single after a divorce or bereavement, compared to women. They largely seem to want someone to fill the role of looking after them even if they don't want romance!

My dp met,married and had 2 kids within a shortish amount of time

She seemed to believe that once they where married,he'd never leave her so could behave however she liked and he had to suck it up (I firmly believe she's a psychopath-and i dont say that lightly)

She would attack him regularly,ran up debts and expected him to pay it off and would go on screaming rages at nothing (I've been on the other end of these rages)

He made it clear 'run up more debts and we are over'

She laughed and started running up debts again while carrying on with her behaviour

He then met another woman at work (ex wife would have said he wouldn't have found the time) and once he found out she'd ran up another 50k of debts,he left her

She unleashed a hate campaign which broke the new relationship up and that's when I met him (he's been to court so many times for access to one of his dc,the other is an adult but she's pulled every trick in the book to stop him)

Ex wife started up again but I batted her back into her box

I firmly believe he would never cheat on me-cheating on ex wife scared him silly and I'd never push him into a corner like she did-everything is open and transparent in our relationship

We are both friends with the other woman-shes a nice lady who's met someone else and is happy (I'm really glad she is,she's lovely)

I'm told that dp talks about me with love,affection and pride when I'm not around

If he did cheat (and let's face it,nothing is 100% guaranteed in life) he knows I'd be gone-no ifs,no buts,nothing

I don't think he would,he loves me but I guess that's what his ex wife thought and he did

I know he feels guilty about the way he handled it and could have done it better

@user00000000003 Well I'm even "weirder" then as ny husband and I only have personal bank accounts and not one shared one!
Would I change that?
No!

haha! I got slated on here for it- loads of people telling me we must not love each other blah blah blah

What I don’t like on this thread, is that it is suggesting that there really are no people (men?) in this world who are able to and happy to stick to a commitment and a promise. That all people (men?) will stray if the circumstances are right. For sure there are many men like this but not everyone. Such a shame to think like this. Yes I know no one can ever fully guarantee the future but it’s not naive or delusional to believe that someone can do the right thing, the thing they have promised to do. I have never cheated and never would. Why is that ok for me but not for my husband?

I doubt very much anyone would get away with cheating for long here as I live in a town where everyone knows everyone else's business.

I've twice seen people cheating - one was 60 miles from home, the other was 200.

Would we be OK with our husbands not fully trusting us to not cheat?

@user00000000003 Ah me too but that's a load of rubbish! I'm also a Ms MyName so I must really dislike him! 😆

Sorry but that's rubbish and your maths is wrong as well.
For starters statistics are not the same as actual numbers. They are taken from a sample and multiplied up. There is nothing to say when people quote stats that are bandied around what the sample size was, or how they have factored in other variables like suspicion v actual infidelity, what constitutes infidelity (quite a wide range of opinions on this), whether it's the same individual being counted more once, etc
You are the stupid naive delusional one if you let an unscientific report skew your entire view of relationships.

I don't think anyone should be complacent in their relationship. To an extent, this does mean being cognisant that the other might cheat.

You obviously have to have trust to have a functioning relationship. You can’t constantly monitor your spouse’s behaviour without ruining the relationship itself.

I think the issue is more about how you protect yourself against a breakdown in that trust and that boils down to making sure you have other options: other sources of income, a wider social network etc.

The healthiest way to function in a relationship is where you love and trust the other person, they enhance your life but where you are ultimately reliant on yourself and if the relationship breaks down you are not completely adrift financially or emotionally.

Just as you would take out insurance on the perfect home, you would want a backup plan for any relationship.

The example that jumps to mind is when people refuse prenups because “I trust him 100%” or where they stop work because they “know” he will protect them.

The chances may be very high that this is right but some people seem to think that just considering the possibility of betrayal jinxes the relationship so they stick their heads in the sand and just say “but I trust him”, like a self reinforcing mantra.

Of course you trust him! You shouldn’t have married him if you didn’t, But that doesn’t mean you don’t protect yourself any more than saying “I know my house won’t burn down” protects you from a house fire.

Yeah but the house doesn’t choose to burn down or not does it so I don’t think that’s a fair example at all.

I don’t think all men cheat, but I also don’t think you cannot know WHO will cheat. There isn’t “a type”.

I can see how you got that from my post but that’s not the case. He’s often out late at night singing in pubs and coming in at 1am regularly. Sometimes I go to the gigs but not always. If he wanted an affair he could easily tell me he’s having to go to the office more and I’d be none the wiser. The wfh thing, we actually like each other’s company.

I felt less secure when younger because I was financially reliant with 3 young dc (which wasn’t the plan) and friends were going through break ups. He’s shown me he’s committed to us - trust grows - but I’m also less vulnerable due to earnings now dc are older.

Yep, I'd have put my life on my husband not cheating.

Should be dead now.

@GarlicEverywhere Well I can guarantee I never would, and my husband accepts that.
And yes, I can guarantee it.
There is simply no excuse for it
My first marriage was absolutely horrific but would I have ecer cheated? No. I left the marriage before moving on.

What I don’t like on this thread, is that it is suggesting that there really are no people (men?) in this world who are able to and happy to stick to a commitment and a promise. That all people (men?) will stray if the circumstances are right.

I don’t believe that at all. I believe that most men won’t cheat, however some will. But we have no way of knowing for certain which camp they fall into. So the chances are your husband won’t cheat. That doesn’t mean he will never cheat.

Maybe not the best analogy but it illustrates the wilful myopia people talk themselves into and the irrational behaviour.

No one says “I love my house so much and its so perfect for me that I won’t bother taking out insurance.”

But people do routinely behave as if love and trust mean never having to have a Plan B because he’s “the One and I totally trust him,” etc.

The issue with stats is, they're a snapshot of a whole life sometimes. Some people will get to 40, be happily married etc. They may of had 4 relationships before their marriage, one of those might of been 6 months and they cheated once in that relationship and no others. A mistake, they regretted it, end of. So when asked, "Have you ever cheated" the answer is yes. But it doesn't mean to say they'd do it again.

I don't see what difference that makes; it's still something that can happen.

I don’t think my husband would but I’m not naive enough to think it could never happen. Would he actively pursue it? No I don’t think so. If we were in a bad place and it was on a plate for him? Who knows?

however, until I’m given a reason not to trust someone, I’m generally trusting of people so I live my life that way.

if he did, I’d deal with it then but no point worrying about it

Can you really say never? Can any of us?

We could develop Bipolar disorder and cheat during a manic episode. We could be put on medication that causes reckless hedonistic hyper sexuality (these drugs exist!). None of us know for certain.