AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Not just me- lots of people have said the same 🤷‍♀️

It’s called trust. Maybe some (many) of those people are wrong, and maybe it’s naive. But without it your relationship’s fucked. So if all the signs are that your DH is trustworthy you need to trust them, or else you might as well pack it in.

Absolutely, you have to trust someone until they give you reason not to otherwise what's the point?

I 100% trusted my cheating exH and I don't regret that I did.

I did the right thing in trusting him, he did the wrong thing in breaking that trust.

Similar to the PPs working in majority male environments, I worked in a very sociable environment. Not only parties and overseas jollies, but also working lunches, office meetings, sports events. It was a 'people' job, in short.

I never quite got over my surprise at the astronomical proportion of men who were actively seeking opportunities for extra-marital sex. Didn't matter if they were old or young, dull or lively, smart, dumb, reticent, extrovert, ugly or attractive. They would all have been described as 'decent' men.

It should be said that most found what they were looking for. Leaving prostitution services out of it - as I rarely knew they'd gone there - this did mean a lot of attached women were cheating with them. I know at least two very long-term couples who are married to other people, with stable family lives and (now) grandchildren.

Christ knows how much more prolific this must be now, with a world of online opportunities of all sorts available 24/7 through your phone.

I do feel it's better to trust in your relationship. Also that it's idiotic to be dependent on it.

Well that’s how you run things but it’s not an unbreakable rule and it doesn’t mean it’s a shit relationship if you run yours differently. I don’t think it’s that you trust someone 100% or you end the relationship. To me that’s just childish all of nothing thinking.

Equally I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly be checking up on your husband if there’s no red flags, you have no intuition that something is wrong etc. That would drive you both crazy and would be a death knell for a relationship. Let’s be clear, some of my friends are in excellent relationships with men who adore them and I’m delighted for them so I’m not some bitter, eaten up weirdo who can’t wait for people’s relationship to break up.

BUT I do think personally it’s unrealistic to convince yourself that it could never happen to you. Because I’ve seen men who talk well about their wives try it on with me with zero encouragement. I’ve seen the most inoffensive kind of guys having affairs. If you want to believe 100% then go ahead but you don’t get to lecture other women about how they should live their lives. My STBXH didn’t have affairs as far as I know but he might have done and I would always have a slight part of me that would be curious and not 100% trusting.

There are two types of trust:

• My husband will never cheat and I would bet my life and everything I am on it. I know that for a fact.

• I don’t think my husband will cheat, given that most men don’t, but you never know. It is a possibility. So I’ll give him the benefit of my trust and hope that he doesn’t break it.

The first type of trust isn’t healthy. Nobody is telling women not to trust their husbands or to be suspicious of all their movements.

For the second time, I didn’t say men don’t use sex workers, I said your arithmetic was incorrect. Do I need to point that out a third time or have you grasped that yet?

I am curious how this works in practice?

If Person A says, "I know my husband would never cheat," and Person B says, "I don't know for certain, but I trust him" how do they actually behave differently in real life?

If neither checks phones, neither monitors their partner, neither lives with suspicion, and both would take genuine evidence seriously if it ever appeared, then I don't really see any meaningful difference. It seems more like a difference in how they talk about trust than how they practice it.

The only unhealthy version would be someone ignoring obvious red flags because they've convinced themselves cheating is literally impossible. But I don't think that's what most people mean when they say they trust their spouse 100%. Eg if you saw sexts to another woman on your husbands phone, most people wouldnt brush it off and disbelieve it because its completely obvious what it means

Most just mean they have complete confidence in their partner's character while accepting that no one can predict the future with absolute certainty.

I used to think like you OP. I grew up with a father who had multiple affairs, and as a young woman I also had a couple of married men approach me, which altogether gave me the perspective that all men would cheat if they could and knew they’d get away with it.

I’m now a woman who can confidently say my husband would never cheat on me. My husband has extremely strong values, adores me, and also works fully remote in a village where the average age is about 70 🤣 But in all seriousness, I think the view you have comes from bad experiences of various male figures in your life, and is not a reflection of reality.

Yes some men cheat. Plenty don’t

Two different things.

it’s absolutely fine to trust your partner, of course you should, without that you have nothing.

But having trust in someone doesn’t take away their ability to break that trust.

Just because you trust someone doesn't mean they wouldn’t cheat.

I don't think there's anything naive or smug or deluded or foolish about being as sure as you can be that the partner you love and trust, who hasn't given you any reason to doubt, is faithful. I sure hope not, anyway.

I do think it's a bit contradictory to declare that he couldn't possibly attract anyone else because he's so introverted, shy, nerdy or whatever. It didn't stop him attracting you. And I do think it's silly to say he's "not the type". There is no universal "type". If there were, we could avoid it and nobody would ever get blindsided.

@user00000000003 It’s a good question and it’s difficult to explain unless you’ve been through it.

If you believe 1000% that your husband would never cheat, as I did, that is a core belief. You build your entire life and who you are on the bedrock of those core beliefs. So if your husband does indeed end up cheating, your core belief is shattered. You feel like you can’t trust anyone or anything you’ve ever believed because suddenly everything could be a lie. Worst of all, you can’t trust yourself. Does the sun really go up and down every day? Is the grass really green? You question every single belief you’ve ever held, and it is terrifying. You know that you could be wrong about everything. It is completely and utterly destabilising.

But if you’d had the other type of trust, yes you’d feel heartbroken and betrayed, and it would still be a terrible thing to experience, but your core belief isn’t shattered. You are still you. Your beliefs are still your beliefs.

Most just mean they have complete confidence in their partner's character while accepting that no one can predict the future with absolute certainty.

No, there are lots of women who genuinely believe it, and those are the women I’m talking about. I know because I was one of them. I’d have bet my life and everything I owned on it. I was a million percent certain!

@MrsPapillon Thank you for explaining that so clearly - that does make sense.

But if you have never been cheated on, or seen it growing up then I imagine it's much harder to adopt the latter point of view because your natural default would be to trust

My husband was the introverted, anti-social, quiet, loyal, fantastic father, great thoughtful husband type. He never went anywhere, he never looked at another woman, he was my absolute hero, my protector. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was… until he cheated. No one would have thought it from him and tbf he had a breakdown after at the fact he couldn’t believe he himself had moved so far from his moral compass. He was not the type to cheat. Funny that all the things that made him what I thought was a wonderful safe husband and father were exactly the things his single mother other woman was looking for. That’s the irony, the qualities you see, are seen by other women too.

@IceCream233 stats are obviously out, but her premise that we shouldn’t put complete faith in our husbands I think is fair and I agree. I suffered PTSD and developed panic attacks when I found out. My whole reality was shattered. I don’t say this to be bitter or mean, I say it because I NEVER want another woman to go through what I did. I think if I hadn’t had rose tinted glasses on, if I’d been more pragmatic and less romantic pre affair, I could have handled those years of healing better.

I am curious how this works in practice?
If Person A says, "I know my husband would never cheat," and Person B says, "I don't know for certain, but I trust him" how do they actually behave differently in real life?
If neither checks phones, neither monitors their partner, neither lives with suspicion, and both would take genuine evidence seriously if it ever appeared, then I don't really see any meaningful difference. It seems more like a difference in how they talk about trust than how they practice it.

There won’t be any meaningful difference in day to day behaviour. The fundamental difference is really about money.

Person A will not build in any sort of backup, any Plan B or C. They will build their future in the expectation that everything will go exactly to plan A. They are the sorts of people who will stop work indefinitely because “he will look after me because I trust him”.

Person B will enjoy the relationship for what it is and trust until the trust is broken but will be hard-headed about not becoming financially dependent, knowing that nothing is failsafe and everyone needs a backup.

Nothing in life is fail safe though is it?. Jobs can be lost, industries taken over by AI illness so you can’t work. Relying on a man is arguably no more of a risk than anything else. But a certain type of woman likes to look down on women who make that choice.

My friends sister has never really worked recently widowed she’s the wealthiest woman I know!

Nothing is failsafe, no. But relying entirely on a man for financial security is like playing Russian Roulette.

No job is entirely safe either but with work the benefits are cumulative. You earn more money, get more experience and build your network so over time you become more marketable and if one job fails another will become available. The exact opposite is true with marriage: you become less valuable the more experience you have.

With marriage your only real insurance is divorce which is potentially very lucrative but highly destructive (and slow).

Its not about “looking down” on anyone, more just bemusement at people who think this is the best route to security. Why wouldn’t you want at least a couple of different options to protect yourself?

The general stats are:
Married men 20%.
Married women 15%.

Cohabiting 50% equally.

Dating not living together 60% both parties.

I know people of both sexes who like to pretend to be so virtuous over this issue yet they're personal and family history is awash with infidelity.

No your ‘secure’ now because he is always under your watch

You mean relying on a man financially? Or emotionally? Financially is a stupid choice.

Just what feminists are campaigning for 'women don't make your own money marry it instead' great poster and teaching our daughters

Why?

I tend to agree. I used to be shocked when I'd hear about a quiet, devoted, 'would never cheat' person being caught cheating. But, no longer. Having said that, you can only trust someone based on the behaviour they're displaying in the here and now. And it's either trust someone (whilst keeping your eyes open) or remain single.

Exactly!

Too many posters are acting as though "trust" is black and white. Almost like they want to corner other women into "admitting" that you can never be 100% certain of anything then use that to bang on about how all men cheat.

Trust in a relationship has nothing to do with "100% certainty". It's a risk you take and it's how you act (or don't act).

Trust is not monitoring DH's whereabouts, not snooping in his phone, not policing his friendships or his social life. Ultimately I just don't think much about whether he'll cheat on me or not. I expect the same from him.

I didn't think my 1st H would cheat on me. I was stunning, he was a 5 out of 10. We had everything you could want, 2 amazing kids, the big house, the cars, loads of money. We were so happy. Until I found out that he'd been cheating for our entire 20 year relationship, with several women. I was stunned! I did leave him.

It took me a long time to trust another man. But I did marry again, and I don't believe that DH would cheat on me. I think looking back, that they key difference was that when I married the first time, we were each other's firsts. Neither of us had slept with anyone else and we were so young (23 & 20). In my 2nd marriage, DH had had around 20 casual girlfriends before me, and loads of one night stands etc, and he was so tired of trying to find "the one". We are happy and have a great retirement planned. He's not a horn dog. I honestly think that even if a woman got naked in front of him, he'd push her away. I'm proud of myself for learning to trust again. It was a long road.