AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I'm not sure that people do often say that they are 100% certain their partner wouldn't ever cheat under any circumstances. They might say they can't imagine them ever doing it, or that they feel very certain they never have cheated, which is a bit different.

I feel about as certain that DH isn't cheating on me as I am that my mum doesn't have her hand in the till at work. Both of those are things that other people have believed about their own relatives and been wrong about, but I don't think any would call me a naive fool for saying I believe the latter?

On the statistics front, it also clearly makes a huge difference what exact question you ask. If I were asked 'have you ever cheated on a partner?' then my answer would be yes, if I were asked the (I think more relevant) questions of 'Have you ever cheated on your current partner?', 'Have you ever cheated when married?' or, indeed, 'Have you cheated in the last 15 years?' then it would be a no.

Reminder, studies show that married men cheat 20% of the time, and married women 13% of the time. Which is nowhere near the rate claimed by the OP.

However, once a cheater always a cheater is a fair adage. Most married cheaters repeat this abusive behaviour.

Absolutely agree with this.

You do you, my love.
I just know how easy it is for men to use these service providers, and they do.
And they do.
And they continue to do.

The people I know who have been cheated on all have the most 'model' husbands. The dull, reliable kind who you'd never think would do it.
The don't do business trips, they don't go on lads holidays. They take days off from work secretly instead and meet ow in hotels. One friend found out her solid reliable 'would never cheat' type met men too.

So my advice to anyone is anyone is the type to cheat, often the least likely so snoop when you can .

Is that a statistical fact?

Maybe a lot of long time married women just don't care as much as others think they should. They turn a blind eye for an easy life?

That poster has been so aggressive to you. I read your post and had no idea why. Sorry that happened to you. I’ve (to the best of my knowledge) not been cheated on, and I trust my partner, but I know I can’t know with absolute certainty that he never would. I see constantly on business trips men (and women although the women are more discreet) that you’d never think would be the type to cheat behave badly. I’ve been hit on by a lot of married men.

Thank you 🌹I also have no idea where all that came from.

Let’s also remember that women stray too, as let’s say a certain percentage are heterosexual, well all that do are not all finding single women. I know a few women who have strayed so to automatically assume it’s men is wrong.

there was a recent poll of people on a married website for cheaters, can’t remember the name but I think it was a woman’s name or something. When the approx population was calculated locally it roughly translated to about 25% of men and women in their 30-50 age range had applied at some point which was shocking!

Come on, most threads are "here is a petty thing you should do," "here is a witty line that no one in real life would say" "he's obviously cheating" "update me." People on here don't care about whether their "advice" will ruin lives or not, why would they, they don't know the person, but to treat it like real life or an oracle is more naive than trusting the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with

In reality you know of one marriage that broke up because someone was caught at it. Sadly that does not represent the amount of people who are indeed at it but aren't caught.

' I don't believe my DH has cheated and I don't think he would. He really just isn't the type. He'd regard it as degenerate behaviour'

There isn't a type. I would suggest the ones who protest the most are usually the worst offenders so don't be too complacent would be my advice,

@Duckagogo

It does seem to give some women great satisfaction though to keep repeating "you never know" with a ghoulish snigger, despite it being absolutely pointless to say so. We never know anything completely about another person.
Clearly, some women do wish this on other women - not saying that's you but some on this thread, and the OP, definitely. They hope to be proven right so they can purse their lips and offer a bitter "told you so".

I'm not sure it gives anyone satisfaction to say this. I am certainly not bitter, I'm in a happy relationship. I just think its daft to pretend to be able to "know" someone's intentions about future behaviour on their behalf and I would never venture to have perfect knowledge about another person.

I didn’t say it wasn’t easy or that they don’t. I said your arithmetic was incorrect for your claim.

I think I probably know my DH better than you do 😂

I also think my life is happier for not worrying about something that's very unlikely to happen. If it does then I'll deal with it at the time.

Of course there is a type. It is the type of person who has no or low integrity. Whether or not that comes to light before or after the partner has discovered it is a different matter.

You okay? You seem unreasonably angry after reading a post from a stranger online 😂 I know exactly what sample studies are and who has the time to complete them. The sheer volume of people who would never admit to cheating due to clauses in prenups and religious hangups or any other reason. No chance is a survey on something like this reliable.

Would you also trust the results of a survey on 'have you ever cheated on your taxes' - that would be naive.

Exactly - it's not naivety, you have to trust they won't else what is the point in your relationship?

Full studies can successfully predict the margin of error and likelihood of under reporting though – and quality studies on infidelity very often do just that, and it is taken into account on the final statistic.

YANBU. I always thought my husband was perfect, as did everyone else. He’s such a good dad, amazing at DIY, works hard, does his fair share. Then I found out he was using prostitutes for years. All it takes is squeezing 30 mins into a lunch break at work, £50 cash and finding a text number on Vivastreet.

I wouldnt be that bothered. He is an adult with his own choices, if he did, it hasn't affected me and I haven't wasted time worrying about it like some on MN who seem absolutely obsessed with it all the time.

I think anyone could cheat but I don't believe my dh has.

I don't worry about it tbh I'm just not delusional enough to think my dh wouldn't ever cheat. None of us know.
As I said friends who have been cheated on their dp/dh have often been the least likely of suspects.
Don't worry about it obviously just don't be complacent.

I worked in a sexual health clinic for years, years ago. We saw lots of partners who had cheated. Saw many women who had been fed goodness knows what by their partners, all swearing that they knew their male partners would never cheat.
It all led me to conclude that, both cynically and sadly, the only person whose sexual life you can be absolutely sure of is your own.

Could not agree more with this.
Also, for those who say that ignorance is bliss, then their lives are not real because they are living with someone who is not who they think he/she is.