AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Now you are just making things up. Where did I say I was bitter? Where are you getting that I want other women to suffer from?

You sound a bit unhinged now to be honest. And as to your axe murderer comparison. Lots of people cheat. There are not that many axe murderers around 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, to be clear, I am saying you are bitter and you, specifically you, do wish this on other women. There is no other reason to make the ghoulish claim "you never know...." when, in fact, we can definitely know with a great deal of certainty if someone has the time, opportunity or has ever shown even a whiff of being a cheat.

And if they have no time, no opportunity, have done nothing even remotely concerning then there is zero point in wandering around worrying about it when that is the case saying "you never know" is just deeply unpleasant on your part.

A fair statement would be "You can never know with 100% certainty what anyone is really thinking. But if there's no opportunity, no time and no whiff of anything treacherous there's no point in stressing about it. Keep your eyes peeled and don't dismiss the signs, and in the meantime just live your life happily and well." Not "you never know" with a bitter smirk.

You're angry you had the wool pulled over your eyes for years. Fair. Perhaps he was a particularly good liar, or perhaps you're just particularly naive (likely the second, see projection calling other women naive, see also shadow self).

And no you're wishing the same fate as you on other women to try to make yourself feel better about being a mug. Unpleasant.

And you are starting to sound quite unhinged now to be honest, pretending not to understand simple analogies made for effect. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm possibly going to be a bit of an outlier here.

If my H cheated on me, then on the assumption that he did it "perfectly", i.e. it never comes back on him or us in anyway, he never acts any differently, our relationship continues to be strong, and I genuinely have no idea - I wouldn't really care. On the assumption that all the above could be true, and yes it is a stretch since these things have a way of coming out, it makes no difference to my life and our relationship, which is pretty good. I'm happy, he's happy as far as I can say, we work well as a team, we have a good life... If he's slept with someone else, I can't say it's had a detrimental impact.

I completely agree it's possible he's cheated, because all things are possible.

But we're happy and it hasn't affected my life in any way if he has, so what's the point in becoming paranoid about the possibility?

Yes, if you never know and never find out, assuming he doesn't give you a disease or turn up with a brand new baby in a year or two (men who cheat often don't take precautions, they are not ethical people) then sure, your life would not change and you would continue to be happy.

The reality is though that people find out because they do notice something different, and the things they notice are always the same things. Once you've been cheated on you are hype aware of everything too. There are pretty much always tells - unless the cheater has incorporated those tells into their life so effectively that you don't notice the difference because they were always a cheater. Or unless they're a psychopath.

We're very good at lying to ourselves though, when we don't want to know something.

I agree. And it's why, if I suspect nothing and am unaffected, I don't want to be told. I make people really angry on here by saying that, but it's how I feel. STDs are always brought in as the trump card as to why I absolutely must be told by anyone at all by any means at all including horrible anonymous messages, but that's a risk I'm willing to take; I think the odds of him cheating so perfectly that I notice nothing and am completely unaffected, but also being so careless that he gives me something, are low enough that I'm prepared to bank on them. People don't have to like that but I'm an adult and this is my choice, or should be anyway.

Okay 🤪🤪🤪

Oh dear. Well, if that makes you feel better. Good for you.

Good luck with the therapy.

I mostly think people perceive cheating the wrong way. We mostly see it as a desire to have sex, and while that’s true in some cases I don’t think it’s entirely accurate. I think a lot of people cheat because of significant ongoing issues in their marriage.

I think, like with anything else in life, should the exact conditions be ‘right’, then it increases the likelihood and I’m not sure that necessarily has anything to do with how a person feels about their partner.

Divorce rates are very high. I think a very large number of people are unhappy and haven’t learned how to be healthy within themselves never mind with another person.

I'm 100% confident that my DH has never cheated. Does that make me naive? Possibly, in your eyes, but I don't think so. He's never given me any reason to suspect he's cheating and I trust him. Trust is a fundamental basis of a happy relationship. If you spend your whole time wondering if your partner is cheating you're going to be pretty miserable, and you'd be better off being single.

There's always a chance to cheat. As there are temptations everywhere. It's exciting indulging in a little bit of FORBIDDEN fruit- after all: FRUIT isn't FORBIDDEN anymore unless it's CHEATING FRUIT . SEGG.before nuptials isnt frowned upon. If your partner is cheating then you will know as most m€n say the name in some capacity , they blurt it out.

I think a lot depends on your lifestyle. My husband and eat dinner together then sit on the sofa every night. I just don’t know when he would be cheating. He does play padel with the neighbours and football with a team but I know he goes with the neighbour in his car and he arrives home sweating in football kit so I think it’s unlikely these are a cover for anything untoward.

You never go anywhere without the other?
Solo holidays? Cinema? Girls or boys night out?

I don’t need therapy. I am very happy in a new relationship. Maybe you should look into it?

But why don't you do anything more interesting with your lives? Separately or together? Is there something that means you can't leave the house?

(Your bit about the sweat and football kit has reminded me of a man who always appeared at my north London gym when I was there on Saturday mornings. He was a member, sat in the lobby wearing gym kit, drank the members' free coffee and read the free members' Guardian, and after an hour or so, he would go into the toilets, splash water on his face, neck and armpits, and leave -- presumably for home, and the appearance of having done a good workout. )

Happily married to husband number two. Learned a lot from the cheating ex, but managed to come out of it all with my normality and decency intact.

Sorry that your spite, misery and bitterness can't affect me😘

Where are you getting my spite, misery and bitterness from? All I am saying is you can never know unless you are tied to someone like you are siamese twins and I stand by that. The rest you are just making up about me. I don’t think you would have written your weird posts the way you do if you were perfectly at ease with yourself so sorry about that.

Yep you are indeed just making things up, and started out by responding to comments I did not make. You're desperate to believe everyone is in the same boat you were in, and you do indeed sound bitter. It's grim.

And the more you spitefully attempt to insult me the more unhinged you sound.

Projection is a thing, and you experience it in spades.

Bravo

You need to calm yourself down. This is my last reply to you. I should have stopped interacting many posts ago.

It's because at heart this is an entertainment website not an advice website. So many people want it to be cheating to get the same tawdry thrill of a vicars wife reading the News of the World back in the day

Well, no. Yes, it is entertainment - as are advice sites.

People get invested in it because it ruins mental health, families and lives and many of us have lived through it.

People in real life are absolutely invested in it too, but it is often too shameful, degrading and painful to talk about to people who actually know you. I only told two friends in real life about my ex husband, both of whom had been cheated on too. But I have mentioned it lots of times online.

I'd talk about it in real life now if it came up, as it was years ago and I am happy and in a totally different life now. But at the time, that was unthinkable.

It would be a wonderful world without treacherous, untrustworthy people.

Unfortunately, although they are in the minority, cheaters cause a huge amount of damage and suffering, and that is why they feature heavily on all sorts of websites and comment sections throughout the entire world.

I would not be married if I felt that trusting my husband not to cheat, made me naive and delusional

We also have no way to know that any story on here is true so they should in no way be used to influence world view

Indeed. It's neither of those things. Those words do not come from a well meaning place.

It's neither naive nor delusional to assume the person you share your life with is a decent human being - it's just normal human behaviour.

Until there's reason not to trust them, you just get on with life.