AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

No, not everyone that says their husband wouldn’t is naive. My husband would literally have zero chance/time that I don’t know where he is to do so given how entrenched in each others lives we are 🙈😂. That makes us sound unhinged, we aren’t and don’t actually live in each ch other pockets, but if you knew how our lives run it would make total sense.

I think everyone is capable of infidelity if the opportunity was there and there was drink involved, so I would never say he wouldn’t. In our case though we’re just a bit too old for the fall out from it and we’re happy and like a quiet life.

Read an interesting post about how people believe their partners would never cheat. It led me to wonder what the views are on if people have cheated before would they do so again. There’s a point of view, once a cheater always a cheater. I’m just curious, and happily single.

My husband is too busy standing in front of every cupboard I need to open to cheat.

It's always possible. I don't think my DH has, and doubt he would do but I am not naive enough to say anyone can be 100% sure. You trust him or you don't, and if I didn't I wouldn't be married to him.

It’s the ones you don’t expect. The quiet ones with well paid professional jobs and a solid family life. They’re usually well educated and come from respectable, fairly middle class backgrounds. The wife has no fucking idea. They’re quite clever, and go about their business assiduously. But they’re shagging on the side. Watch those ones like a hawk

Don’t ask me how I know…….

And no, it’s not through cheating myself - I know the demographic but I can’t say more than that without being too outing

Reading these replies, I think you’ve proved your point, OP.

You're absolutely right. My husband died suddenly 6 years ago. I'm in my mid-sixties and I don't look like Miss World, but I was astounded at the number of married men in my area who made a serious play for me when I was widowed. I'd thought most of them were happily married, and wouldn't want to risk their marriage, but no. It completely altered my view of men. Most of them are led by their dicks. I didn't accept any of the "offers", and I'm still getting them. I got used to it, and I just say "If you have a dead bedroom as you say, isn't that something you should discuss with your wife?" Women need to stop thinking "Oh he wouldn't do that to ME!!! I'm too wonderful!" Yes he would, all most men need is the opportunity for extra-marital sex, that's all. Just the opportunity.

Also, to add, they go about it quite strategically and it’s viewed as a lifestyle component. But certainly it’s the quiet, educated, middle class ones with the wife and kids and the mortgage and the career.

Interesting

I know my DH has never cheated, and he never would. It would literally never cross his mind! He hates meeting new people (social anxiety). He would live like a hermit If I wasn't around. A feral hermit. If he did ever want to be with someone else he would tell me. But if I had married a different man, I could maybe have felt very differently, who knows?

I agree with the poster who said it is better to think the best. If you were constantly worried you were possibly being cheated on, how is that a healthy basis for a relationship? And worrying about it is not going to make it less likely to happen.

I find it sad that anyone could just assume that you are just 'naive and delusional' if you are certain your DH has never cheated.

I'm certain my DH never has. In the same way he's certain I never have. It would be wildly out of character for either of us to behave in this way. Both of us would have ended our relationship before deciding to hook up with someone else first. I genuinely don't understand people that would behave like a scum bag just for a quick thrill.

To me, it's like asking 'would your DH steal' and the answer is 'No. He's honest'.

Yes it's nice to think like that but life experience tells us otherwise. The amount of people who think their dw/dh/dp would never do that and stumble across sexts or annual leave days that they had no knowledge of with hook ups sadly proves this.

The most accomplished cheats are the reliable 'they'd never do it' sort.

I think the point at least I am trying to make, is that I was also certain just like you. I could have written your post before I found out he was indeed a cheater.

I do agree you cannot live your life as if your partner will cheat on you and be constantly mistrustful. I certainly don’t with new partner. However, I agree with the posters who says it’s always the ones you’d never think would cheat. I guess for them it’s easier to get away with it too.

Same here. DH will barely talk to another person, let alone try to chat them up and have an affair with them. He's introverted and has severe social anxiety. We also "live in each other's pockets" so I fail to see how he'd find the opportunity to have an affair. I know where he is at any given moment, as he's a creature of habit and never goes "off-piste" to do anything different. I could set my clock by the times he comes and goes and never once in nearly 40 years has he "disappeared" unexpectedly or not been exactly where he said he was going for exactly the amount of time he was going for. I trust him implicitly because he's never once given me any reason/cause to doubt him, not even for small incidental things.

Socially anxious introverted husbands for the win!

My DH gets really fed up of people having this attitude. He married me because he wanted to be with me. Why should he be unfaithful when I manage somehow to not be unfaithful to him either.

There is essentially no one else we'd rather be with or want to have sex with. We've been a couple for nearly thirty years.

Also, he doesn't have the time or energy to be unfaithful 😂... I don't trust him to go through shops without a list but I do trust him completely in terms of him being faithful.

But it's really depressing that people are so full of he's cheating on you and LTB. Then if you manage to find a decent guy you're somehow delusional.

But would your husband steal if, say, he was starving? How far would his honesty go if you or your children were starving?

The point being not that he wouldn't steal now (when he has no reason to), but that there are circumstances where he might change those rules.

When it comes to "out of character" - sometimes people do behave out of character. Grief is one of the worst things I've seen for changing behaviours. I'm involved in three grievance investigations at work at the moment, and in all three, the accusers have suffered a bereavement and are acting aggressively and with great suspicion to their colleagues (I've been persistently accused in covering up gross malpractice by two of them, which is professionally offensive to me!).

The worst kind the awkward socially anxious ones. They chat online and hook up. Dont think they won't, my friend was with her dh years. At social dos he was the most socially awkward person I knew, I'd struggle to get a sentence out of him but he had an massive alter ego! I think the odd/awkward ones seek validation and ego boosts maybe. Obviously I hope yours is different ive just been so shocked by the many cheats I've heard about. Always the least likely.

It’s not naive. It’s fact in my case. I married a good man who loves me.

Threads like these are the embodiment of ‘misery loves company’ and I always find them a bit strange because some seem to think anyone who thinks they have a good marriage is probably deluded.

I’m happily married and so is everyone I know. I’m sure there are people being deceived, but there are also millions of people who are exactly where they think they are - in loving, faithful, happy relationships.

@Gloriia

The worst kind the awkward socially anxious ones. They chat online and hook up.

Yup. The data I am privy to backs this up almost without exception

Realistically, unless you are shadowing someone 24/7, you can never vouch with 100% surety that you know what they will/won't do. I think people who absolutely convinced are deflecting their anxiety about it. I don't say that to be mean but to be realistic. It isn't something I would wish on anyone.

This!