AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Absolutely the same. I won’t ever trust again. I actually did try and trust after my children’s dad did it and I got brutally and hideously cheated on again and from that day on I’ve never held any trust for men. As an attractive single woman of 4 years now I get hit on by married men far too much, maybe because I’m a mystery to them I don’t know but I would never ever look at one

Studies show no such thing.

According to 2024 data from the General Social Survey, approximately 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit to extramarital sex.

This means that 80% of married men are faithful.

However, studies do show that men who cheat almost always cheat again.

So ditch your cheater - as I did.

And stop projecting, it's not helpful.

Yes but not sure why it matters? The ones who are 'certain' obviously aren't because it's impossible to be certain. We and they know they just mean they 'believe' they haven't been cheated on and they're entitled to believe whatever they want.

It doesn't mean X amount are faithful. It means that X number haven't admitted to cheating on a random survey. And it wasn't 100% of the population who completed the survey.

No clue why anyone is judging anything by surveys - it's not scientific.

No, not a man only situation.
Plenty of women have affairs and sneaky snogs too. Granted the men are more likely but not exclusive to men.

My husband is absolutely terrible at flirting. And he adores me. I would be very surprised if he cheated! BUT I would never say never.

I had three married men at work who I was friends with proposition me at various times - and I later found out they'd all cheated on their partners.

One was the typical type - good looking/charming/smarmy/flirty with everyone - and I'd be surprised if his wife said she thought he'd never cheat. The other two were pretty nerdy/devoted partners and a suprise.

So I don't know. I definitely don't think all men cheat, but a lot would given the opportunity.

The relationship board is full of women who thought their DH would never have an affair. He’s not like that! Hates cheating blah blah blah. Go figure.

Someone said above to think your partner would never cheat is not naive, it’s trust. IMO it is naive. I don’t 100% think that my DH wouldn’t, but it doesn’t affect my life in that I definitely don’t spend time thinking about it.

I’d need to read the studies, but the math doesn’t have to fall apart. Two different studies can conceivably find out 20% or 50% of the married men cheated. It depends on who they surveyed. It depends on the question, have you ever cheated is different from have you cheated on your current wife. They have found that once a cheater, always a cheater so there are these serial cheaters having multiple marriages. So say you follow 1000 men over forty years, you may get 500 cases of cheating, but often it’s 100 that are cheating two or three times that account for the majority of cases of cheating.

All I can say is that my partner has never given be cause to believe he has or would cheat. I'm not naïve but I choose to believe and trust him because who wants to live life paranoid and suspicious the whole time? I can't imagine anything that would ruin a relationship faster.

I'm really sorry for women who have been cheated on and had their trust in men ruined but I also think that some who have are left with major emotional and psychological scars and develop a tendency to see all men though that lens and project their own fears onto other peoples relationships. Some men are actually good and trustworthy and their wives may be lucky but they aren't fools for having faith in them.

I was 100% in the "he won't ever cheat" camp and I vividly remember saying that to my best friend on the eve of my wedding.
But, guess what dear reader, he did.

BUT now with distance and hindsight I see things differently and I can see that there were signs that he had it in him but I couldn't see it because I was in love and deep in the relationship.

It was massively affecting and I am still drawn to this board and these threads like a moth to a flame even though in real life I never mention it now.
So I have sympathy for anyone going through it or suspecting it in their relationship because it really is a big old head f**k.

The "raw" numbers don't account for serial cheaters, i.e. those who cheat in several different marriages/relationships. So basically, the same guy included multiple times in the OP's percentages because they've cheated with different partners.

My husband has never cheated and neither have I. We’re very happily married. It’s sad that some women (on here) think there aren’t any inherently decent and entirely trustworthy men around. I have one. My sisters have one. Almost all of my friends have one. They do exist and they’re not a rarity.

It's not always unreasonable - say you have a husband who works from home, or goes to a workplace and comes home, doesn't have much of a social life (something we hear about quite a lot here) and doesn't travel for work then he probably wouldn't have any feasible opportunity to have an affair.

I wouldn't say my DH would never have an affair, which doesn't mean I think he has ever had or is definitely going to have one either, but TBH I kind of doubt he has the organisational skills to do that and cover it up from me. Though doubtless many men do suddenly discover organisational abilities that seem to be remarkably absent from the domestic settings when it comes to extra-marital assignations.

This is such a naive post. I could have written it too before my DH cheated and had cheated for a long time. I was also happily married to a very decent man I thought. You can never know.

There is absolutely no way to get it through to you how completely nonsensical your comment about "100%" of the population and studies being "not scientific" actually is.

Surveying 100% of the population is called a census, not a sample study. A properly designed sample study can estimate the same population values with a known, usually small, level of uncertainty. Whether a study is trustworthy depends primarily on whether the sample participants were representative, how many people were involved as larger samples reduce random error, how the data was collected and analysed removing confounding errors.

You could have dug into the study I mentioned to discover whether it was trustworthy or not. Instead, you chose to burble.

Clearly you have not the tiniest, faintest idea about the science of statistics and I have neither the time or the interest in trying to educate you on that science, on different types of studies or how they are conducted.

There is nothing more cringeworthy than a twit holding forth confidently and cluelessly and I am genuinely embarrassed for you. Suffice it to say that you have made yourself look incredibly foolish with this comment and should never make it, or anything like it, ever again.

Oh, and the study I mentioned does indeed mean the OP was talking absolute bollocks with her initial claim, which was the point of my post.

I don't think mine is organised enough

You cannot know with 100% certainty anything about anyone.

You can certainly know with reasonable certainty that a person who has never shown the tiniest hint of cheating has not cheated, particularly when they never put themselves in a position where they have even the time or the opportunity to do so.

I know you would prefer to believe that all women who trust their husband's are simply naive, but you have no evidence for that at all, it's just a belief you find preferable.

Oh, and I was cheated on and ditched my ex husband.

I do find it incredibly weird that you saw nothing for a very long time. Perhaps you have very bad instincts, since most women do in fact suspect something early on.

Anyone who claims to know anyone better than themselves are deluded and trying to convince themselves it can never happen to them but it can and often does.

You are absolutely right. I don't know whether people who say 'he will never cheat', 'he is not the type' are naive or suffering from severe pride. You never know anyone. Ever. You don't know your children, your children don't know you. People will always put themselves first, unless they are saintly.

Betrayal is rife, and inexplicable. Men are not monogamous by nature, and I find it strange that women who rightly refuse to argue with biology in relation to sex changes (rightly saying men can't be women and women can't be men) suddenly, suddenly disregard biology and say crazy things like older women are just as appealing to men as young women, that not all men are programmed to spread their genes by sleeping with as many women as possible, that people see no difference between their biological children and their stepchildren.

MN is a strange place, where some biological truths are allowed, but others are fought against with the fervour of radical activists.

I am not saying that all men have cheated or will cheat, because some are religious and have morals which make them suppress their natural instincts, others are far too exhausted or simply don't have the opportunity, etc.

Yes this is a very common narrative isn’t it? That cheaters are somehow “different” and most women know. Isn’t it a bit of victim blaming there? Saying it’s weird that I saw nothing for a very long time?
My DH was exactly that person you describe in your first paragraph. No way would he had the time, opportunity, be organised enough blah blah
I also don’t think all men (or women) cheat, but you cannot know for certain your partner never will. I have plenty of experience in life to say that unfortunately.

How odd that you had to invent words I didn't say in order to reply to them because you couldn't in fact debunk anything I said.

And I will assume you enjoy victim blaming and are projecting since nothing I said comes even remotely close to that.

So, here's mine again for you to re read and, if you wish, actually reply to the words I said.

You're welcome :)

"You cannot know with 100% certainty anything about anyone.

You can certainly know with reasonable certainty that a person who has never shown the tiniest hint of cheating has not cheated, particularly when they never put themselves in a position where they have even the time or the opportunity to do so.

I know you would prefer to believe that all women who trust their husband's are simply naive, but you have no evidence for that at all, it's just a belief you find preferable.

Oh, and I was cheated on and ditched my ex husband.

I do find it incredibly weird that you saw nothing for a very long time. Perhaps you have very bad instincts, since most women do in fact suspect something early on."

In future, it would save time if you replied to things people had actually said.

Oh, and your husband did, of course, have the time and opportunity to cheat, because he did, as you pointed out, for a very long time.

Its not that there aren’t inherently decent men. There are, of course there are.

The point is that no one can ever know beyond a shadow of doubt what their spouse could do in the future. Its ridiculous to claim to know this.

Not sure why your post is so aggressive. Enjoy victim blaming? Really? Your post reeks of wanting to “other” women who have been cheated on. I do understand that is a much more comfortable reality to live in.

Your husband might also be an axe murderer.

Nobody can ever know anything about anyone with 100% certainty. However you can, of course, certainly know with reasonable certainty that a person who has never shown the tiniest hint of cheating is not a cheat, particularly when they never put themselves in a position where they have even the time or the opportunity to do so.

So as there is no point whatsoever in assuming that someone who has no time at all, no opportunity whatsoever to cheat and has shown absolutely no indication at all of cheating is a cheater.

And, once that changes, that's the time to investigate it.

Most women do of course notice something is wrong, but they dismiss it. That's never a good idea, unless the plan is to ignore it forever and hope he doesn't leave.

In the meantime, it makes just as much sense to say "I know for a fact my husband has not cheated on me" as it does to say "I know for a fact my husband is not an ax murderer". Of course, he might be - but living your life miserably worrying about that is pointless until he comes home with blood on his shoes.

It does seem to give some women great satisfaction though to keep repeating "you never know" with a ghoulish snigger, despite it being absolutely pointless to say so. We never know anything completely about another person.

Clearly, some women do wish this on other women - not saying that's you but some on this thread, and the OP, definitely. They hope to be proven right so they can purse their lips and offer a bitter "told you so".

Yes, you are being very aggressive, it's so odd. You would apparently so love other women to suffer the misery of cheating and are so wrapped up in your own bitter memories you are determined to jam "you never know" with a ghoulish smirk down everyone's throats.

And you've pretended to ignore me pointing out that I was cheated on and ditched him. So strange. Odd that you keep just making things up too.

I think you should get counselling. Good luck with the rest of your life.