AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

It’s very different having not receiving inheritance because a parent is alive omo.
If they’ve lost one parent and then the other dies, it’d be unfair for them to have to wait that long because of the partner their living parent chooses. It wouldn’t sound like he’s put them first in that situation. That’s the way I see it.
He shouldn’t leave his partner without a home though.

I'm sure a solicitor would be able to iron this out OP, put something in that you have to maintain to a reasonable standard (flesh out what this means eg free from damp, waterproof Windows and doors, operational heating system etc) so that they're protected from it being left to rot, but also add that they have no rights to enter the house or any say in when or how any works are done as long as the house is maintained to a reasonable standard etc. Or effectively write it so that the house is in a trust for them but they can't access the trust until you die, which may be another solution.

If he is insisting that no it's half theirs and they have equal say in all house related decisions eg what new kitchen you get, then I wouldn't buy with him because that's clearly completely impractical for people that aren't co-habiting. For instance what if you wanted adaptations for disablement in old age but they refused because it would lower the value of the house

I do wonder if he has really thought this through, he's normally very emotionally intelligent, and I was a bit surprised when this came up in discussion. We have only had one chat about it, so it's easy to go back and have further discussions.

If I was you, I would discuss with him why its the only option.

The more I think about it the more having two houses sounds ideal to me

This is another issue. If DC have to wait until I die to get their inheritance, then it could be a long wait (or not!!). I can see that they would not be happy with this. Equally I don't want to be forced to sell if I don't want to, especially if I have lost DP.

I think it might be better if you both stay in your own homes.
Of course he wants to leave his half of the house to his children. You just have to read on here about the many cases where children have been left with nothing because the second/ husband/ wife has taken it all even though the parent wanted their children to eventually inherit. I'm not saying you would leave the children with nothing but no one can predict the future.
He is right to ensure his children 's inheritance is safeguarded

@usernumbernotfound - I am inclined to agree with you. Two houses simplifies things.

So you buy them out, they get their money and you get to own the whole of the house.

I don’t understand why you haven’t sought legal advice for yourself already - that seems a basic and it sounds as if his wishes have become somewhat entrenched.
You have three choices:
Don’t buy with him.
Upon the first death, the house is sold and assets divided within say 12 mi ths or a stipulated period.
You agree to his plan.
I’d be doing 1 or 2.

Agreed. I am also right to make sure my security and peace is safeguarded too.

I totally understand how you are feeling, there is a very real possibility of being pressured to sell or objecting to projects you want to do eg adapting the house as you get older, and I understand that you dont care if the rest of the estate goes to his children ,its just the security of your home that concerns you.
Is there no legal document that can be drawn up that means you have total control over the home and are financially responsible for its upkeep etc but that have the ownership/sale price must pass to them on its sale or your death
If he dies first who are you planning to leave your half to? This could get very messy

Under his proposal what would happen if he dies and you want to move house, not downsize, but perhaps move to a more suitable property in your old age? The couple I knew - not married, one legally separated with two adult children, and one single - bought their own properties very near to each other and lived between the two. In the end everyone (DP, DW, DCs) pre-deceased the separated man and the property went to his grandchildren.

This is complete rubbish. Have you ever had this arrangement yourself? This wording will say she is free to do what she wants with the house. Its standard wording. And yes fyi I have had this situation myself.

Well the solution is you sell give them
their share and buy
something else

Depending on when / if this plays out, I might not be in a position to do that.

You think that the emotionally intelligent thing to do would be to disinherit his children? Really?

What he’s suggesting is the best way to balance wanting them to have the house long term, with giving you a home for life. If you didn’t like it you could always downsize and give them their half at that point.

I don't think it matters that he has already given them money. We gave given our children money but we still want them to inherit our house. It's natural

Errr no. I don’t think any person would be cool with this hugely unfair arrangement. As if you’d agreed to spending an unknown amount of money to maintain the value of a property when you were an old age pensioner. And you couldn’t even decide what needed doing - it was all dictated by someone who didn’t have to pay for it themselves.

This only happened last night! I haven't had time to see a solicitor, which I will sort out in the next few weeks. The plan to sell and buy together won't go into motion until the end of the year.

I came here to get some thought and ideas on how others have managed this.

Ultimately, I want a safe, financially secure home one way or the other. His option doesn't give that to me, but posts here have given me some other ideas.

Come on now, she didnt say that.

Being a Landlord is not ideal in this situation, can be very stressful if you have tenants who don't pay or worse. If you develop cognitive decline, you are vulnerable as a Landlord. Also not ideal for tenants who are made to move if you move in/die. Speak to a solicitor who has lots of experience in this. The Trust conditions can be similar to ones you see in typical leasehold contracts. e.g. you don't need to put in new kitchens to make things easier to sell but you do need to keep up basic maintenance. Also, the solicitor should be able to arrange that the Trust can allow you to port the capital to a different property in case you downsize but it costs more than half, with any excess released immediately to the beneficiaries.

Of course, he may well live longer than you anyway, especially if you get married :-) www.statista.com/chart/36293/life-expectancy-of-married-never-married-us-men-and-women/

Its worse than having a landlord @Itisallgoingtobeok .
At least landlords are responsible for upgrades.
If you had no financial input I would have more sympathy with your dp, however he is asking you to relinquish control of your half of the assets.
I would suggest to him that you will make a will giving your half of the house to a charity under the same circumstances whereby they control his lifelong usage.
It may wake him up to what he's proposing.

im not getting why you wouldn’t just sell the house then, in the event of his death, and take your own half that you started with to then buy your own place.

his suggestion is actually the kindest of the options available towards you, others want their children to be able to have access to their half immediately, so selling the house straight away. Allowing you to stay in a house which you only half own, is actually very generous.

Because it’s half theirs.

This is totally normal and sensible. If he dies first, you could always sell up and then buy on your own. Or you could each buy separately now, live in one and rent the other with no pooled assets.