AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

What he is suggesting is completely fair and correct. You only have to read the number of posts on here about children whose parent passed on their half to their partner, who later cut them out, to see he is doing the right thing by his children (as he should.)

Bluntly, if you are worried about this and housing security in these circumstances, then you shouldn’t sell your own home and buy a place together.

If he dies and leaves his half to you, will you write a will to guarantee that his children inherit after you die?

Why is it fair that the wording allows his children demand anything they want done to the home I half own though? That doesn’t seem reasonable either.

My mum hasn’t done this, and she is a lot an older than her husband. So I know as soon as she passes I won’t get her half he will leave it to me. I think what he is suggesting is fair.

Well the alternative is that he leaves it to you, then you die and leave the entire house to a dinosaur charity? It’s completely normal to want to pass stuff down to kids. Unless you want to just buy the house yourself, let him live in it until he dies and let him keep the other house to pass on to them / sell his house and keep the money in an ISA for them.

Hi, OP -

The only part that feels awkward to me is what you have said about maintenance and upkeep.

I know other arrangements are possible. Could you see a solicitor about this?

I would want to uphold the principles that firstly, only those contributing financially have a say in the decisions, and secondly, that all owners should make financial contributions in proportion to their ownership. (Not for routine cleaning, of course, or perhaps gardening. But for anything much more significant.)

The problem is that if there is a conflict and the DC stick together, giving everyone an equal vote means they win. I think it is better for you to have 50.50% or 51% ownership and to defer decision making to you. A solicitor surely knows much more.

Best wishes

It is really tricky and I can see both sides here. For me protecting the interests of my DC was always going to come first. They existed before my relationship with DP and I had worked so hard to ensure that they would benefit from my hard work - IFYSWIM. Equally, I can understand why you and my ex-DP would want to know that they had a house to live in. Long before he became ex-DP, we had agreed that we would not own a property together.

However, there are lots of legal safeguards that can be put in place, I just knew that the anxiety of it would gnaw away at me and I'd be so worried about dying first!

Which is why I said dont move in together. If neither of you will budge then thats the only option

I completely understand why he wants to do this and I was hoping someone had some experience about how they have set things up as an alternative.

it’s a deal breaker for me that his children can demand I pay for upgrades etc. having it sat in trust for them with is possible, but I don’t think they would be hands off. I suspect there would be pressure to move etc.

it doesn’t feel like there is an answer other than don’t buy a place together.

I have a friend who is the child of two parents who married in later life. Her dad had two daughters from a previous marriage. When her dad died, his estate went entirely to her mum who now intends to leave her everything, meaning her step-siblings get nothing. Thankfully my friend is a decent person and intends to give them half regardless.

But if you're like the mum, your DH's kids won't receive a penny, so I don't blame him for wanting to ring fence his share.

If he cares about his children, he won’t agree to this. There would be nothing stopping her from changing that will after (or even before) his death.

I don’t want to be such a cynical person, but no one knows the future and how people will deal with money after someone dies. What if she meets someone else and gets married and/or decides to pass it on to him?

There are far too many examples of people assuming their spouse or partner will do the right thing. I would never risk my children’s future on a gamble like that.

I don’t want the DC contributing financially as that would give them a say. It all feels very awkward to me.

I’ll happily write my will to leave them his and my share (I don’t have any family at all).

I will see a solicitor, but I suspect the answer is don’t buy a place together.

Can the wording be changed to say something along the lines of "you have a lifelong right to live peacefully in the house without interference from the co-owners and without obligation to maintain the property beyond the reasonable standard"?

Is that an option worth exploring?

Why is it fair that the wording allows his children demand anything they want done to the home I half own though? That doesn’t seem reasonable either

I don't think they can demand anything though, at least not without good reason, and with agreement with you. Things like decorating and routine mainenance won't really come into it at all - and possibly not even things such as replacement kitchens/bathrooms etc, I'm not sure. . It's only larger things like structural issues/extensions and so on, and you both need to agree on these - I would imagine you can go to mediation etc in the unlikely event that you can't agree on these matters.

Your partner is not being unreasonable to ask this of you, but get good legal advice to see what would happen in various situations that may occur in the future.

Just don't live together. Buy properties next door to each other or in the same street?!

I really dont mind him wanting to leave his kids his share, I totally get that. What I don’t like is they get a controlling say whilst I’m still in the house. That seems really unfair.

That had gone through my mind!!

Could he afford a life insurance policy that pays for his share of the house...so the DC gets the money equalling the value of his share of the house (but not the actual house)

She wants him to leave the house to her

This definitely needs to be in there. I guess my worry is there is what is written in the legal documents and what happens in reality. It would be an underlying worry that at some point they would push for sale and then we have to go through legal channels.

I just don’t think this is workable for me.

@Passingthrough123 that’s a better option for the OP which is therefore worse for his descendants

it’s a zero sum game. For OP’s position to improve something must be lost to to his children.

Its a shame you left this key information out of the OP

The responses you're getting reflect tbis.

I would not buy a house with him. I am in a relationship with my partner and all finances are separate. You have to protect yourself and your finances.
I understand his POV but it would not suit me.

OP, I have a will that leaves someone with a right to remain (they are part of the trust that gets set up on death). The other trust holders have a much smaller right to the house (though the trust changes so all get an equal share if the house is sold). The reason that they have a much smaller share is because we were advised that they could ask for their share of the property to be paid to them, meaning the right to remain person would be forced to sell the home to give it to them. Giving them a smaller share protects from that and minimises what they could demand. I don't think they would do that to the RTR person, but I think it's better locked in. In your part of the UK, you might want to check that the daughters could go to court to get their 50% of the house value (forcing you to sell or buy them out). These laws differ, so it may not apply to you.

This is why I will never have another partner if I am widowed. My priority is protecting my children's inheritance. Your partner is fair but I totally understand you want to protect your autonomy in the home.

It's normal for the parent to leave their share of a jointly-owned property to their DC, and their (new) partner to be able to live there for life.

But I've never heard of these other constraints put on the surviving partner eg re maintenance and upkeep, and the deceased partner's children having control over those things.

I can completely understand why you are not comfortable with that.

For example, if your partner died soon after moving in, and you lived another 20 years, you would be putting a lot more £ into the property in terms of maintenance and upkeep, but still only getting 50% out of the profits.
I think any maintenance and upkeep costs should be recorded, with receipts, and 50% of that total amount returned to you, THEN the profits split 50:50.

And it might be impossible to reach agreement with the deceased partner's DC about what work was actually necessary.

If you can't reach agreement on this, @Itisallgoingtobeok then don't buy a property with him.

Choose one of your homes to move into, rent the other one out, and split the rental income.
Or the person that moved pays the home owner 'rent'. Lots of other possibilities too.

Buying a joint property is a big thing. If it doesn't feel right, or you're unhappy with any part of it, don't do it.