AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

Leaving his half to his children is normal and reasonable. I don't think you will get him to change his mind. I suggest moving forwards you reconsider your plans as I don't see him agreeing to leave the house to you. That would be awful to his children who should take priority over you.

You could write mutual wills, each leaving your half of the house to each other, then the children get everything after the last surviving partner dies.
The difference from a mirror will is that a mutual will can’t be changed when the first person dies (so the children can’t be subsequently disinherited with a will rewrite).
A solicitor can advise properly.

I would take your own legal independent advice, OP.

I am facing a similar situation, as have others in my family.

I want my children to have my husband's (who is dead) inheritance through me.

I do think though, that you need to plan for who is the surviving partner, and if and when it might be ok for them to live there/move out/buy another place. If it's their home for 30 years, it doesn't seem fair for them to have to sell within a couple of years as one of my relatives has stipulated in their will. I would also like to have the option to sell the home we have built and established together to do with as I wish; it is odd to be living and investing in a house which is never all yours.

This is a common problem; I'm not sure there's a fair way. I think in your case, your suggestion of giving all his assets to them bar the house is quite reasonable, but it's also true that these might get eaten up by care home fees and all that might be left is the house.

It's also the case if he dropped down suddenly, and you had all the house, you could then move someone else in and establish a whole new family home with them.

There's so many possibilities- I think the desire to secure your children's inheritance is fairly well-established, and as the newer partner, you have to accept that to some extent and secure your own future by your own other assets or even not buy together if you feel that strongly about it.

You could always buy them out if he died first

Actually not, it's been left in trust to some else and they receive it on her death. And yes I have been in this situation before.

It isn't them receiving half that worries me, I've said constantly that I understand that. It's the control his giving them over the home I live in as a condition of me being allowed to live in the house after he dies that really worries me.

He will rightly look out for his children, I rightly will look out for myself.

This is really not standard wording at all because it places a huge burden on the occupier.
Also if it’s half theirs then they pay half for any upgrades they want. That should shut them up.

Tbh if I were you OP I’d buy something myself outright. If your DP wants to live there with you, fine. If he wants to get married or buy something together, I’d agree to nothing other than joint tenants, where the survivor takes the entire house. That is normal with married couples. Stick to your guns and say those are your terms and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if he says no. You’re being fucked over by what he is proposing.

I also wouldn't agree to anything that allowed others to control what I did with my own home I was living in, it creates instability and resentment. It has to be your home whilst you live in it. I get this. I do have a shared house situation similar to this, and it means you are dependent on the good relations continuing after the main link to you is gone, and you don't want that, it's too fragile.

He will rightly look out for his children, I rightly will look out for myself.

And that's the problem, isn't it. Your interests are in conflict and neither will bend, making the idea of moving in together, problematic at best.

Keep your own house.

Thank you, some useful points in your post. I will get advice for sure. I also understand about his DC missing out. I don't want to be unfair about anything, but at the moment it feels very lopsided.

I think lots of posters have only read your original post, not any of the updates, and are therefore missing vital information.

If everyone read your 10.41am update, I think they might have very different opinions.

Selling your properties and buying a joint one is utter madness when one or both have kids. What he suggests is fair and normal. Your concerns are also absolutely valid. That’s why it’s madness and I have no idea why it’s being considered.

Just pick one house to both live in. Rent the other house out. It’s probably cleaner to rent his out, so on his death, his kids can just sell straight up. If for some reason you both decide to live in his house, and rent your house, that’s fine but you would need to move back to your house if he should die before you so his kids can sell it. That would involve having tenants leave etc, which is a faff so easier to both live in yours if you can.

I think this is the reason why you shouldn’t combine finances, as upon his death you would be in a complicated situation and reliant on the good will of his DC. You would need to have a legally binding agreement tied to the will on how maintenance/running costs etc would be carried out and, if they did not have funds to - for example - go halves on a new roof or boiler etc, you would be snookered. From their perspective, depending on the age differences now, you could outlive him by anything up to 20 years and they would be unlikely to be happy to have to wait for their share of his estate or incur the maintenance costs involved.

So whilst it is not uncommon for someone in your DP’s position to set up his will this way, it does inevitably create significant problems later for many people. This may also be an issue if new property taxes are introduced, or a welfare levy etc, or should either of you need to go into state funded care in your later years.

Rather than mix things, financially, could you keep any current properties that you both own and rent it out yours and move into his, paying your way? Then, should he die, you simply revert back to your original property [or you could sell it at any point, put the cash into an account to buy yourself somewhere at this stage - but you could arrange to leave it to him should you predecease him].

Whilst it is right that his DC should inherit from him,I think you are right to be cautious about this.

A relative of mine was in this situation her DH died his half went to his DC from first marriage. One of them made her life a misery wanting access to the house and wanting other things, because she owned part of it.... my relative got very ill and ended up selling house to get away from it all. And actually the DC demanded rent from my relative.

This has probably already have been mentioned - sorry if so - but how complicated would it be if you needed to sell your half of the house in the future to fund a care home for yourself?

I would be aware of the costs of renting out one property
If there are no pooled assets and yours is rented out who pays the costs, you or both of you jointly ?

When a second property sells there’s cgtax to think of aswell, which of course you wouldn't be liable for when the house you are living in sells
Ultimately the better ‘deal’ is with the house you both chose to live in

Plus
If Burnhams brings in his council tax changes the ctax will be on the landlord to pay

Definitely look into the pitfalls aswel as the benefits of renting

I had wondered what would happen if we married, we have discussed this as a possibility. Joint tenants seems like a good option too, if he will agree to it.

I already own my own house, so am financially secure. It isn't about money really, but about security of my home, which is not the same thing. It is especially important as I get older too. I am mid 50s.

It’s quite simple
The house would just be sold and OPs equity alone would be used for care costs
Dhs kids would get their share at the point of sale ( after they’ve paid their cgtax bill of course )

I was left my Dad’s share of the house and my Mum still owns her share which will eventually be left to me once she dies. It’s called Liferent. My Mum is responsible for all repairs, etc. It’s where she lives so I’m not going to object to the way she decorates, etc. Any improvements should hopefully increase the value of the home so it should be in their interests that they allow you to make these changes.

I am in Scotland just in case the law is different from where you live.

Sorry, I get that people want to make provision for adult children to inherit but you can’t have your cake and eat it. If you marry or live with someone, that is their home as well as yours and you can’t just expect them either to be made homeless or live under intolerable conditions when you die. If you want to ensure that your estate is fully protected, stay single. But don’t try to get the best of both worlds which is what this guy is doing. By doing so, you’re showing how little you care about the other person. And if the OP’s partner doesn’t care about her, of course she needs to look out for her own interests. Nobody else is going to do it, are they?

We have mirror wills as we own a property 50/50 but Mr Monkey has an adult son from a previous relationship and. rightly, wants to leave half to him. We have it written that the surviving partner can live in the property (or any subsequent property) for the rest of their life. At no point did we discuss,or the solicitor mention anything about giving his son a say in maintenance of the property and it is not written in to the will. I don't think that sort of clause is standard in these situations.

Another option OP … When he dies (hopefully not for a long time yet) … you could sell and then the kids get their half/share , you get your half and then you buy your own home with no one having an interest in it ? Also … there will hopefully be increase in equity - so you get more than you put in anyways. And leave your money to whomever you choose. Not him. Or another option - don’t buy together and you each keep your own homes- this sounds the best idea.

OP- I think you are going round and round on this without having all the proper information. As you yourself said, you wont be the first person in this position and you wont be the last.

Until you know legally what is and isnt possible you dont have all the options in front of you to make an informed decision. You need to go and talk to a solicitor - knowledge is power and there might be options you dont even know about

You have summarised all my concerns really well. It's very messy one way or another and my fear is that things could go sour after his death. We are close in age, but that doesn't mean anything in terms of when each of us will die.