AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

His plan seem reasonable to me.
He has children and he has to look after their interest. If he passes his share on to you, there’s nothing stopping you from moving on after his death, maybe marrying someone else and they inherit all your assets after and his children will be left with nothing. Even if you don’t remarry, you can then will your assets as you please leaving his children with nothing.
His current plan seem like the fairest here. His share goes to his children but you get to live in the house till you die or sell.
You’re also free to will your assets to anyone in case you die first with the same clause of him staying in the house till he dies or sells. You don’t have to will your share of the house to him, you can obviously if you choose to.

This is very normal and fair.

what do you think he should do with his half of the house?

This is really standard planning especially where there are children from a previous relationship for the reasons PP mentions.

As others have said - this is normal and actually, extremely fair.

I would also want my children to receive my half and I am not sure why you disagree with this?

What do you think he should do?

You don't leave your half to him - you do the same ... right to reside until death or sale, then your share goes to.... neices and nephews? Charity?

This is fair. There will be something written up to say they cannot sell their dad's half while you are living there.

Thanks, this is why I can see his point. My worry is that the way he wants it set up is that they have a say in what I do to the property, I’m expected to pay for all upkeep and maintenance, which they can veto, or demand more if they want. I won’t have control over my own home. It just doesn’t sit right with me, although I can completely see his point. I think this could be a deal breaker for me.

I should have added he’s ready given them each a substantial lump sum to get them on the housing ladder

Then dont move in with him.

I am not sure what the lump sum has to do with anything. I would still want my children to inherit my property. If it's left all to you, there is no guarantee you would leave it to them and thats not fair either is it?

This seems a perfectly normal and reasonable arrangement. What exactly is concerning you OP?

His proposal is standard and the only fair option. It sounds like you shouldn’t buy a house together if you’re not comfortable with it.

Surely you’re not suggesting that he should leave his share of the house to you?? Or is it just minor changes in the terms that you are wanting?

His plan is the standard option in this situation imo. But I can see it could come with issues if his children decided to start hassling you for their inheritance early (I have seen this happen). I’m not sure I’d feel totally comfortable with it. Would you be able to buy a home with your 50%? You could opt for a period of time to stay in the house (say 2 years) and then you’d release the Inheritance and buy something smaller with your half.

In my family, the whole house was kept in trust for the DC till the (2nd) wife died. In the end the wife needed somewhere smaller and cheaper to run so negotiated with DC that she’d get an amount to buy a small place and would release the rest to the DC early.

You still haven’t said what you think he should do instead.

If you were in his shoes, you’d want to leave your share to your children.

thanks for all the balancing points of view. I know on the surface it seems fair and probably is. For me though, it leaves me with someone else with an interest in my home where I may not be free to do what I want with it. That’s the issue.

This is exactly why I refused to buy a house with ex-DP. I had 2 DC, he didn't and there was no way if I died first I was going to have him continue living in a house, half of which would be my DCs inheritance.

If you and your DP do go ahead, I would get proper legal advice and ensure that you have aboslute clarity about what happens in the event of one or other of you dying first. You also both need to do your wills to reflect this too.

Financially, it would be better for him to leave his half to you if you suceed him as this would not incurr any inherritance tax. Then you leave half the value of the property to his children in your will.

One problem with his suggestion is that if they own half the house, they are responsible for half the repairs. Imagine if you need to replace the roof and they refuse to cough up their half, or if they want to get their capital out of the house and put pressure on you to move out.

I would prefer we each left our respective halves of the to each other. The rest of his estate which is substantial (and roughly equal to mine) can go to his children. It’s about security of home for me.

I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

I’d imagine they’re all probably thinking the same thing about you. If he owns a house then he’s very clearly worked hard all of his life to pay for that. You’ve been in his life for five minutes. Why on earth would you think that he should disinherit his children, leave everything to you and keep his fingers crossed that you’d leave them half of your estate after you die? Or that he should be fine with his lifetime of hard work going to random relatives of yours rather than his children?

I don’t think you’re ready for the financial implications of living with someone with children, albeit adult children.

You have absolutely identified the issue correctly. And, I’m afraid, given he already has descendants, the answer is to not go ahead with the purchase together. His half is already spoken for when he is no longer alive.

Buy your own house, visit each others. Simples.

It's a very normal and fair way to write a will, especially if either partner has children from a previous relationship.

I'm not sure, but presumably the children would have a 50% share, so would have an equal say in what you do to the house? So you would retain a degree of control. Routine maintenance you should be doing anyway, as you live there, but on the plus side, I believe that they would be 50% responsible for any major structural work that needed doing.

I can understand that you might be a bit nervous of losing control of the property you live in, but speak to a solicitor and your DH regarding your concerns, you might find it's not as difficult a situation as you think - after all, many many families have their will written this way.

If you are really against the idea, you might be better not to buy together - perhaps you could keep your respective properties, live in one, and rent out the other?

Thats hardly fair though is it?

That would be a dealbreaker for me. This is why I would never ever buy a property with anyone if my DH died

It's a very common and fair Will. Your DH owns half of the house now.
Would you prefer that he leaves it to his sons upon his death, forcing a sale and for you to buy something smaller?
His plan means that you have access to his estate for your benefit until you die. Very generous.

t. My worry is that the way he wants it set up is that they have a say in what I do to the property, I’m expected to pay for all upkeep and maintenance, which they can veto, or demand more if they want.

leaving it to his own DC is perfectly normal , this however would grate. Not being allowed to decorate or on the other hand being forced too if you don't want too? Being made to pay for upgrades? Who decides what's reasonable and what isn't?

don't move in together - I can't see that you're on the same page

I think this is what it might come to, sadly. I’m not trying to be difficult about this, but I want to protect my own interests as he does his.

In principle I think its fine.

Perhaps you should consult a solicitor yourself to look into the concerns you have.

I dont see how they should have the right to veto decisions but not be responsible for any costs. They cant have it both ways.