AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

Yes I’ve just seen the update and posted a further reply. I agree the conditions he is trying to put on this are unreasonable and I wouldn’t agree to them.

It’s entirely unreasonable for you to want him to ignore his children and leave his share of the house to you. The fact that he has already gifted them house deposits makes no difference. The answer is for you to take out life insurance on him, sufficient to cover his 50% of the value of the property so that you can purchase his share from his children if he dies. You make the monthly payments not him. How much those payments will be will depend on his age and health.

It's not unreasonable they would want active involvement to make sure the home they have a big interest in is maintained and being looked after. The same as a landlord would. They are part owners, so of course they want to be involved with the home.

Well. I would suggest that you organise an appointment with a solicitor, let him talk out his non starter ideas about new kithens and see what the solicitor says to that 😂.
In fact I would 100% just go to a solicitor so you are both very clear on the subject.

Yes, this is awful. If correctly understood I would not complete the purchase.

Why would you want to invest in your own property to ensure it sells quickly on your death? The disruption and cost in your old age, possibly in your ill health ?

Your requirements are exactly opposite to those of his heirs. Just don’t buy together.

I think keeping one property and renting the other sounds good. How do you ensure they’re the same though?!
What he’s suggested feels reasonable. However, if he passed away and his children had to wait 10/20 years to inherit, that wouldn’t be great for them.

I know somebody who was in your position, the minute the husband died, his children, rightly so, wanted their share. It threw her over the edge. There was a clause in his will saying she can stay until her death, the children argued that she can have her share, they want theirs. She felt the war was not worth it, it turned really ugly.
My exMIL got married later in life, moved in with her new husband, their will stated she is to vacate his property which went to his children, she still had hers to move into. She got his very very substantial pension after his death.
Maybe try that?

Will the house you buy be roughly double the value of your current respective properties?

Could you plan to sell the shared property buy your own place within a couple of years? Would your DP be agreeable to making provision in his Will for solicitor and estate agent costs to enable this?

Thanks for all the points of view and some ideas.

I don't want anyone to think I am being difficult over this, I totally understand his kids come first. DP and I have roughly the same financial status in terms of pensions, equity, savings etc. I am very happy for his share to go to his kids, but not if I loose control over my own home.

Time to see a solicitor and get some advice. I think renting out one house, and living in another is good option. As is separate houses on the same street. We communicate well, so I am hoping we can work it out. For now I am going to put the plans on hold until we can figure out what works.

Wow, he really thinks that's fair, that his DC can tell you when you have to put in a new bathroom or kitchen, AND you have to pay for it?!!

No way would I agree to that!

Essentially, if he dies, his DC become joint owners of the property with you. So surely essential maintenance costs should also be borne by them?
If you decided to sell, any maintenance/upkeep/ improvement costs need to be split 50%, and that amount given to you out of the sale price, THEN split 50:50 with his DCs.

He is being very unreasonable, OP.

It’s obvious you don’t have children. If you did, you would think this is fair and just. And he’s agreeing you have the right to live there for the rest of your life if you wish. If you sell or cohabit, his children would then get their half. As he would be able to of you went first. It’s standard. And why wouldn’t you want to maintain the house? This is what my dh and I have done to ensure our children benefit.

I meant to say I don't think you should completely scrap the 50% trust plan, but have an exit plan covered.

Its a normal and fair approach..

if you dont like it, consider alternative ways to own the house, like buying a cheaper property so you can buy them out.

Say you have 100k and he has 100k.
Rather than buy a 200k house, buy a 100k or 150k house. Then you have money leftover to buy them out.

Or you could outright buy the house and he can live there. Or he could outright buy and you live there. Then you have the money for a different house

I'm not sure there is any suggestion that he does think that, I think it is just OP's fear/worst case scenario.

Surely you can understand why a person wouldn't want other people telling her when she has to replace a kitchen or bathroom? To make it easier for them to sell when she dies?!! Oh, and she has to pay for it all!!

That's ridiculous, and extremely unfair.

I wouldn't agree to this.

You have exactly put your finger on the problem. I have worked really hard to buy my own home, and had to start again after a terrible divorce. I don't want to go back to having a landlord!

Sorry, I misread, OP's post on this. I agree that this point is unreasonable

To be fair that is also life. Lots of people lose one parent first and then the next potentially even decades later. If my ex was died, I don't think myself or my daughter would ever begrudge his widow living in their house even if he did leave half to her eventually.

That is a horrible thing to say. I clearly said I understand his position to want to leave his kids his share. What I don't like is that he wants them to have active decision making whilst I live there. He is suggesting they get to decide what gets done to the house, and I have to pay for it!

Read all OP's updates, this is EXACTLY what he thinks.(specifically update at 10.41am).

He's outlined this exact scenario.

They can tell her to put in a new kitchen/bathroom/ whatever, "so that it's easier for his DC to sell when she dies".

And OP has to pay for it!

Shocking.

I agree that having someone else having an interest in your home is not optimal.

But I can also see why he’d want to guarantee his money went to his kids.

I understand this but equally, I have heard of arrangements like this going wrong because the person still living there allowed the house to go to wreck and ruin thus reducing its value significantly.

Obviously not saying you would do this but I understand why they would want assurances it will be looked after since its partly their asset too.

Why not keep both your properties, live in one and rent the other out for extra income and share the profits on that? that way neither of you will need to worry - you can still live together but each own separate houses. I dont understand why you MUST own a house together

I am not a lawyer. The basic arrangement of leaving his share of the property to his children with your right to remain seems reasonable and fairly common.

The further stipulations are what I see as unreasonable. It reads as though his children could order you to, say, install new bathrooms and a kitchen at your expense merely because they want it, even the existing ones are fine. This seems very wrong. Generally speaking, I think you'd be expected to keep the property in a good state of repair, fair enough, but handing over this control to them would be a deal breaker for me.

I agree, we don't need to own a house together, for him I think it's the only option. The ideas that this thread has given me are really helpful and I can discuss this with him. At the moment things don't sit well with me at all, so something has to change.