AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

If they own part of the house it's reasonable they'd want to visit to make sure it's being maintained.

My house is 50/50 with Dh and we have children together. Should Dh die, his share of the house goes to the children in trust, same if I die first, my share goes to the children not to Dh.

Say if Dh dies first the children cannot force me out, cannot dictate anything about the house. It is mine to maintain, they have no say. This is how our will is worded. We saw a solicitor to talk all of these scenarios through. Go and see a solicitor and ask the questions.

Edited to add yes I have to keep the home in good repair, I can't just trash it, that is also in the will.

His half should absolutely get left to his kids after your death. Until you die, they should have no say in the property as it does not become theirs whilst you are still alive.
They can't have a say in how you decorate etc. but you should be liable to pay for any improvements you wish to make.

I assume the idea that you pay for ‘upgrades’ is more a clause to ensure the property is kept maintained
As you are living there and have the benefit of using the whole house I don’t see that as unreasonable. It’s about maintaining the value of their inheritance

I can’t believe it means you actually upgrade ie be forced to put in modern kitchen, extra bathrooms etc
Perhaps the agreement needs to be more refined

You both need to outline very clearly what it means

But that will be the situation if you and your partner buy 50/50 together and then decide to part ways. 🙁

You need to decide whether or not you would like someone else ( his children) to have a financial responsibility with you for maintenance or if you would want to have all the responsibility for upkeep left to you. Yes if the latter you would be increasing the value of their 50% asset at no cost to them but you would have peace of mind. And of course, if you wanted to sell and buy somewhere else, that increase in value would apply to your half as well. Whatever you decide make sure it is clearly written into your partners will.

You are already a home owner, you understand that maintenance of a property comes with the deeds,

I don’t think you should buy a property with him tbh.

Pretty standard. My auntie has the same setup. Her husband died year ago. She doesn't have alot to do with his kids if at all. She just lives in her house and when she dies half of it goes to his kids.

But he shouldn't be giving them any rights to dictate what you can do in your home. And I think my aunt can sell and buy another house and their equity transfers to that house. But she's had a wet room installed in place of the bathroom, had a stair lift installed. It's her house, she does what she wants they just have some money in it.

I think this is the answer. I suspect this may be a deal breaker for him. He wants to live together and get married. I do too, but not at a risk to my own financial security.

It makes me very sad that there doesn’t seem to be a resolution.

So you go to a solicitor and you explain you will be joint tenants, write new wills and agree terms between you. Doubtful they will be able to ask for a new bathroom every year or anything above just looking after the property.

I have children and wouldn't dream of doing anything less than what his he suggesting. Surely you knew he's children would have a vested interest in his estate? What happens is you remarry because he has died and his whole estate goes to your new husband in the event of your death. How would that be fair?

I would not buy a house with him. The leaving his share to his kids is not unreasonable, the caveats are entirely so. Don’t do it.

This sounds much more reasonable. I really don't mind the kids getting their share, please don't misunderstand me, it's the controlling interest in what I can do in the house when I am living in it. I also worry that they will try to force a sale if they want / need the money.

I plan to see a solicitor to get some advice. It sounds as though there is a way through, as long as he is willing to drop the kids having a controlling say in what I do.

Thanks, it's the caveats that are the problem here.

If you hate the idea of his kids owning half your home, simply sell in the event of his death.

His kids get their half, you control your home 100 percent.

This is fine. Then I think you need a majority share of the house.

If you otherwise want to live with DP, I hope this works out. If you gave reservations anyway, it is a good reason to refrain from buying together.

This arrangement seems more than fair to me. You get to stay in the house for your lifetime then his children get their Dad’s share when you die and no longer need it. There are plenty of partners in this situation who have simply left their share outright to children on their death and the partner has had to sell up or buy them out.

I believe you would have an obligation to keep the house in good repair during your lifetime and, as long as you do this there shouldn’t be any need for involvement with his children if you don’t want it. They will have no right to enter the property without your permission during your lifetime as you would be the only one entitled to live there. There may be some limited rights for them to periodically inspect the property occasionally to make sure you are maintaining it, but this should be minimal.

Honestly, this seems an entirely fair arrangement. Anything else would unfairly put his children’s inheritance at risk and no caring father would do that.

My husband & I have set up our wills like this - everything in trust for our kids but the remaining partner gets to have beneficial use of everything until they die. I don't think that the children get to dictate what happens to the house left in trust, it should be yours to do with as you see fit.

Its normal to leave the financial side to kids, really not normal on them having a say on what you do to the property eg can't do the garden etc. Yes to ensuring you don't devalue the home but negotiating over painting the kitchen pink, no way.

You don't have to buy somewhere together.

One of you can move in to the other's house.

The empty property could be rented out, and that income split (after deducting costs eg any existing mortgage, essential maintenance costs etc).

There are options...

I understand there is a fairness issue here, but at the moment it doesn't feel fair to me. His kids being able to dictate to me what I can or can't do isn't fair at all.

The way he put it to me was they can have a say on when kitchens, bathrooms etc are done to maintain the value of the property so it doesn't become dated and will sell easily on my death / if I choose to sell. I would also be 100% liable for major repairs like new windows etc. They won't have to contribute to these upgrades or major repairs. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially as I get older.

What if you live together in one property and rent out the other? If he dies first, you stay where you are and the kids get the rental.

The alternative is you still buy 50/50 and set up that same will with his half going to his children but with a stipulation that the house is sold within however many months, maybe 12 or 18 months so that the children get their share immediately and you sell and find somewhere else to live.

They should contribute to work that needs doing (needs rather than want). However, that then becomes awkward when you want to do something, they want to go for the cheaper option or just can't afford it. In the same way you don't want them spending your money and telling you what to do, they won't want the same. And you can't get them to pay if they don't have it.

@OnGoldenPond - This would be more reasonanble, but it isn't what he is asking for. He wants active involvement from them. Whether they would actually do that I am not sure, but I susecpt at least one of his DC would. I don't think I would get any peace.

Ah OK, this further information does make a difference. Normally the only stipulation would be to keep the property in good repair and not make major changes. What he is proposing goes beyond that and you should push back on this part. Just sit down and try to reach a reasonable compromise. If he won’t, I’m not sure I would want to be moving in with him anyway.

I like this idea much more. It feels more practical and workable all round.