AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

[Writer034]

This is a money one (apologies for length, I don't want to drip feed). I'd really like some thoughts around whether my ex DH is doing enough. I usually think he is, but there's someone in my life who thinks he's really not, and sometimes I feel conflicted.

I split up with ex DH in 2017, we share DD (15) and DS (13) on a 50/50 basis. Since the split, my ex DH has been paying £500pm in child support, which about 6 months ago was increased to £600pm to account for cost of living increase.

(I realise some will say 50/50 should mean no child support, but I have actually sought legal advice on this and apparently this isn't necessarily true. If you want to know more about what I was adviced, drop me a DM)

There were no assets to divide at the time of the divorce. We didn't use solicitors, there is no maintenance, only this - completely voluntary - child support. When we did consent order for finances, for reasons I won't go into I didn't seek legal advice and I didn't ask anything from him, he has a small pension from having been in the army for 6 years when he was young, and a business which we started and ran for some years together, but realistically it only became really profitable in 2021. I didn't ask for anything, only for child support to continue. His business has for at least 2-3 years now been bringing about £350k per annum (and the two years before that definitely over £100k). He drives a Porche, has now bought a nice detached house for 450k, etc. Takes his new DP to 5* spa hotels every other weekend so I know money is abundant his end. I earn £53k in my main job and have for the last few years earned £7-10k on top from some additional work; I also receive Child Benefit (I had to pay some of that back, when I went over the threshold, although now threshold is £60k and I've dropped my extra work because, on 40% tax, it's not really worth it)

On top of this £600pm, ex DH pays £180 per month for the coach my DD takes to school (it's a grammer school in another town with its own transport), a few expensive things for the DC (my DS got a £900 mountain bike as this is his passion, my DD got some £750 concert tickets (don't ask!!!!), she's also got two school trips - one ski trip £1500 and one to the US costing over £2500, he has paid / is paying for all of that). Also, DD has recently needed some physio so he's paying £80 per appointment. He paid for one year of her having a tutor to help her get into grammar school, I think that was £50 per week.

He is more or less funding my son's expensive mountain biking hobby which has a lot of costs associated with it.

We usually split birthdays and Xmas presents. He will usually contribute something towards school uniforms. At times he has contributed a bit towards their clothing like winter jackets. He gives them each £25pm pocket money.

I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that. I realise that between us the kids have a good life (believe it or not, my kids are still just about average, in schools they go to).

The issue is this: with all that he does which might sound generous, ex DH probably still contributes a maximum of around £1000 per month in total, against his income of £30,000 per month, and the fact he definitely spends more on his romantic life in a month than he does on his DC.

Is 1/30th of your income, towards your kids, enough?

I know some men pay nothing, but I also know some women whose ex DH earn well and the women don't even have a job, they get maintenance of £5k a month or more, whereas I work full time (and have for a few years had extra work on the side, for purely financial reasons). I'm not saying I would want to not work. I'm just wondering, prompted by this friend of mine, whether my ex should be paying more. (The CMS calculation, by the way, would only work for half of his income, it doesn't go above that. I could go to court, but absolutely don't want to do that, it would ruin so many other things.)

Please tell me how you'd feel, if this was you. Would you feel fortunate, or not quite?

Can u ask ex-H to open J-ISAs for both kids? At 13&15, it’ll still be worth it, he may wish to continue to contribute at 18

Sounds to me you’ve got more than a fair deal there. £500 for a day out in London for show/ballet is a lot of money I’d be expecting a hotel stay if we spent that much. I’d keep quiet if I was you.

There are laws about this

Lottery wins can only become shared assets if the winner decides to buy something with the winnings that the other party uses
I.e a car, paying off a mortgage on the marital home.

I know people are saying to make peace with it but there have been posters who have had children move in with their rich father because they have a better lifestyle and money to offer and the mother is left high and dry

I think you have a pretty good arrangement at the moment and I wouldn’t jeapordise that. The only thing that would be worth suggesting is that he start a savings plan for university fees and living costs, as you clearly don’t have the spare cash to do that with your current monthly budget. I think that would be reasonable.

Do you think your children are suffering? From what you've said it sounds not.
You made a deal in 2017 when you severed finances and he's upheld his side and even more.
Whoever is telling you you're losing out is wrong. He built the business up to this level without you. If you'd asked for more then you wouldn't have had the deal you've benefitted from and what £20k plus in court fees.
If anything I'd ask him to ring fence money for them in his will. Ask about uni and wedding days etc so you can plan.
But day to day he's providing for them. You got a good deal.

So his business soared after you split.

It’s up to him how he spends it.

Are you vulnerable though if this current arrangement all set in legalese, so to speak? He could change his mind and you might not have any recourse.

As for your own income, can you start your own business? Perhaps you could see your own circumstances improve hugely.

I don't think that the courts are going to look very sympathetically at you if you are pulling in £50-60k a year and your ex husband is paying maintenance and for lots of extra stuff for his children already.
As an aside what are your costs if you're going into overdraft on an income of £4-5k a month?

I don't think they would because the kids would lose out on all the trips and activities that the OP does on her time to compensate for the dad not doing these things when they are with him.

I find this thread odd op, you say you think he’s being generous, and it’s your “friend” who thinks otherwise in your op.

but as the thread has gone on and you’ve posted, it is clear it’s you who has the issue, you’re eying up how much he has, how much he spends on himself and his partner, of his own money, and you’re jealous and want more.

I wish I had known this - 50/50 and maintenance can be requested.

Irrelevant now, as my 2 DC are over 18.

However, I suspect my ex would have then gone down the route of requesting half of the child benefit etc and that would have impacted me qualifying for UC.

He HAS however always paid for kids' phones and when needed he has paid for trips (if I couldn't)

He supports the kids at uni more than I can too.

We have also remained amicable and this would have been in doubt I think if the boat had been rocked !

IMO, being amicable is priceless in terms of the kids' happiness and their ability to have relationships in difficult situations.

It doesn't sound as if they're not getting anything they might want, so what would you actually do with any more?

I guess the only thing there might be to discuss is what happens about university finance when you get to that point. It might be worth thinking about ahead of time.

I wouldn't rock the boat your friend sounds jealous

Being pragmatic, I'd say don't look a gift horse in the mouth rock the boat, as he could quite easily a) refuse to pay altogether or b) only pay the legal minimum.

That's what important - that you are receiving over and above what he would be legally required to pay. The rest is just white noise.

I think you're seeing things the wrong way. If your ExDH wants to buy an expensive bike or anything else for that matter then he can because he chooses to parent that way - it's up to him. If you want to parent that way thats up to you - you do this by buying chinese etc.

You don't have to give them the same amount now you are living apart. You each get to choose what you give the kids. What he does in his time is up to him and what you do in your time is up to you. If you choose to spend £500 going to the bally that's your choice and has absolutely nothing to do with him. If you choose to go to costa for a £20 toastie thats nothing to do with him - these are just choices you make on a daily basis and are what make up your life with your kids in your time with them.

I think everyone remembers that. The children ended up living with the father.

I did say in the OP that I was conflicted. That means a part of me feels one way, a part of me feels the opposite. There is someone in my life who is nudging me in one of those two directions. It's difficult to unpack.

There was also a second one, who also ignored everyone’s advice (including that of the poster whose children now live with their father) who ended up not getting the maintenance they expected either.

At least this OP seems to be listening to advice, not just the people who agree with gunning for more.

I said, in the original post, that I'm conflicted. The person in my life who's telling me this isn't a fair deal has a lot of (very justifiable) influence on me. I often don't know what to think, because how to do you know what's right? I'm not one of those people whose beliefs are set in stone. I'm always questioning myself, on all sort of stuff.

I may well be a bit crap at budgeting, yes, and I certainly don't expect to go to spa every other weekend, and definitely not as his expense. I was just trying to gauge what other people think and what seems fair and reasonable, when you remove emotion and mutual history.

@Writer034 I feel like I know you. Did I post on your remote jungle holiday thread? I seem to recall your username!

I am in a sort of similar situation to you. Boys are teens (one just turned 18), exH has in recent years, done very well for himself. He's remarried and has other DCs. Though we have split now for a good 13 years, he's only ever increased maintenance once for our DCs and only by £100 because I asked. DCs now choose mostly to live with me, they barely visit him. But we are all on 'good' terms.

His level of rich is I-can-afford-a-chalet level of rich, I earn below 6 figures and live in London. He, like your exH, does pay for 'extras' and has a good amount saved to fund most of their university fees. I sometimes wonder if I should ask for more, he doesn't see the odd tenner or twenty that I am often asked for from the DCs. His two other DCs are in private school. It all adds up! Older one is ADHD and I have replaced countless numbers of 'missing' things - oyster card (about 40X in the space of 6 years at a cost of £10/pop).. But he does 'sub' the big stuff.

I'm more of less resigned to working for a long while. Though to be fair, I take countless holidays/weekends away as that's my joy. And I want to do it while I am healthy enough to do so, at the expense of contribution to my pension pot. I try to facilitate their relationship as much as I can, and I brought them up right as they won't ask anything of him. But damn, I wish they would now and then.

@Writer034 I think you sound exactly like me, grappling with feelings around fairness and equality and not wanting our own DCs to 'miss out'. And it's a bit galling sometimes, I make an effort to plan and take them on holidays every year (but always within my budget, so not spending more than £3-4K for a week) but their most amazing holiday is one last year where their dad paid £30K to take them on a no-holds bar once-in-a-lifetime trip to Manchu Picchu! And was I jealous? You can be sure I bloody well am! I think they have been some fair points raised in this thread and you have responded remarkably well. I hope we both find the peace within ourselves one day to square off some rather complicated feelings.

P.S. I have the same plans as you, to sell up one day to a smaller house to fund their house deposits. 😊And I want to hear this story about the man who bought you both a house with cash!

OP i am as an adult much more wealthy than I was as a child and I really try to help DC understand the value of money. I will say "that's too expensive" for things I can afford as I dont want them to think our level of privilege is normal, i would never have asked my DPS for a snack whilst out and about but my Dc Do allllll the time as they know we can afford it. I think kids having a little fire in their belly is a good thing.

Also remember your youngest is 13, better to have an amicable situation where ExH wants to help you after they are 18 vs get more now but less in the long run

Then tell that person you’re divorced, you have no more claim on his money than any random on the streets, or your neighbours, as you’re divorced. It’s done. Tell them That you are responsible for 50 percent of the kids costs as it’s 50 50 and you don’t even pay that, he pays a large amount of your costs for the kids, 600 a month and then all the extras on top, plus he pays for everything on his time.

becayse there is nothing to be conflicted about here op, other than he’s got money do you think I can get it, and the answer is no. No you can’t. You’re divorced. It’s his money, his earnings and if he wants to gamble it or spend it all in his partner that’s his choice and nothing to do with you;

because it’s his money and you are divorced.

Money money money money. Thats all youve gone on about. If you are really struggling then yes, ask for more. Sounds to me that he is not actively shirking his responsiliiities. I daresay he might pay for driving lessons, car, uni etc... and beyond. Unless you are starving then carry on as you are.

”… consulted a solicitor on this because the CMS website gave what looked like contradictory info.
This was the advice: there is something called TRUE shared care, which apparently is very rare, and in those cases CMS say no child support is due. It means not just that kids sleep over the same number of nights with each parent, but that each parent picks up half of all other parenting tasks (including admin etc). The more common version is nominal shared care, where one parent still does more than a half. That's me, because I "run their life" in the way most stay at home mums do when they're still married. In those circumstances (which are usually accompanied by that parent also receiving Child Benefit, which I do), CMS have a calculation which takes into account the sleepover arrangements (there's a reduction).
I hope this helps to clarify. In any case, the CMS calculation is on the basis of weekly income and has a 'ceiling', my ex earns about double that, so that calculation would be at court's discretion…”

I thought you said you’d seen the other thread where the poster insisted that “life admin” made her the parent that deserved more money? And weren’t going to go there?

That said, if you do, just like last time keep us updated!!!

That makes sense.
But all the lavish holidays, restaurants, fancy clothes etc are something that HE should do during his time. I’m thinking for example going on hols with them ince but not more, despite having many hols with his DP.
It has nothing to do with CM iyswim.

Whether your ex spends as lavishly on the dcs as he does on himself is on him. As is the way the dcs will look at it and ressent it or not.
By that I mean that the dcs will notice if he is ‘stingy’ with them and not with himself. They would have noticed regardless of how much money he has.
It might affect their relationship or not. But none of that is in your hands iyswim

For the rest, the CM feels fair. You’re not struggling (even theres a clear difference in lifestyle between the two of you). I think it’s ok?