AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

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This is a money one (apologies for length, I don't want to drip feed). I'd really like some thoughts around whether my ex DH is doing enough. I usually think he is, but there's someone in my life who thinks he's really not, and sometimes I feel conflicted.

I split up with ex DH in 2017, we share DD (15) and DS (13) on a 50/50 basis. Since the split, my ex DH has been paying £500pm in child support, which about 6 months ago was increased to £600pm to account for cost of living increase.

(I realise some will say 50/50 should mean no child support, but I have actually sought legal advice on this and apparently this isn't necessarily true. If you want to know more about what I was adviced, drop me a DM)

There were no assets to divide at the time of the divorce. We didn't use solicitors, there is no maintenance, only this - completely voluntary - child support. When we did consent order for finances, for reasons I won't go into I didn't seek legal advice and I didn't ask anything from him, he has a small pension from having been in the army for 6 years when he was young, and a business which we started and ran for some years together, but realistically it only became really profitable in 2021. I didn't ask for anything, only for child support to continue. His business has for at least 2-3 years now been bringing about £350k per annum (and the two years before that definitely over £100k). He drives a Porche, has now bought a nice detached house for 450k, etc. Takes his new DP to 5* spa hotels every other weekend so I know money is abundant his end. I earn £53k in my main job and have for the last few years earned £7-10k on top from some additional work; I also receive Child Benefit (I had to pay some of that back, when I went over the threshold, although now threshold is £60k and I've dropped my extra work because, on 40% tax, it's not really worth it)

On top of this £600pm, ex DH pays £180 per month for the coach my DD takes to school (it's a grammer school in another town with its own transport), a few expensive things for the DC (my DS got a £900 mountain bike as this is his passion, my DD got some £750 concert tickets (don't ask!!!!), she's also got two school trips - one ski trip £1500 and one to the US costing over £2500, he has paid / is paying for all of that). Also, DD has recently needed some physio so he's paying £80 per appointment. He paid for one year of her having a tutor to help her get into grammar school, I think that was £50 per week.

He is more or less funding my son's expensive mountain biking hobby which has a lot of costs associated with it.

We usually split birthdays and Xmas presents. He will usually contribute something towards school uniforms. At times he has contributed a bit towards their clothing like winter jackets. He gives them each £25pm pocket money.

I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that. I realise that between us the kids have a good life (believe it or not, my kids are still just about average, in schools they go to).

The issue is this: with all that he does which might sound generous, ex DH probably still contributes a maximum of around £1000 per month in total, against his income of £30,000 per month, and the fact he definitely spends more on his romantic life in a month than he does on his DC.

Is 1/30th of your income, towards your kids, enough?

I know some men pay nothing, but I also know some women whose ex DH earn well and the women don't even have a job, they get maintenance of £5k a month or more, whereas I work full time (and have for a few years had extra work on the side, for purely financial reasons). I'm not saying I would want to not work. I'm just wondering, prompted by this friend of mine, whether my ex should be paying more. (The CMS calculation, by the way, would only work for half of his income, it doesn't go above that. I could go to court, but absolutely don't want to do that, it would ruin so many other things.)

Please tell me how you'd feel, if this was you. Would you feel fortunate, or not quite?

God, I wish I could afford to take my kids to a show and Wagamama, but we'd be willing to slum it at Leon if we had to. It sounds like you have a comfortable life on the day-to-day and then extravagant extras are covered by ex. That's brilliant, tbh.

I promise you my overdraft is tiny (£250) and I don't have any credit card debt. I currently have £23k in savings, (although only £3 is easy access), and will have around £35 by March next year, as I'm getting the final bit of an old personal debt repaid to me (by someone I trust and who's repaid half this year already).
Everything else you said sounds very reasonable, thank you.

That poster was still posting about a month ago! Hopefully she will update soon

Thank God you're not my ex. My daughter's costs vary and I refuse to spend every month totting up and splitting. Ewww!

Is he just trying not to spoil them? Just because you can afford to buy your children whatever they want, doesn't necessarily mean that you should. It doesn't sound like you're great with money or with giving them reasonable expectations around what you can afford. Perhaps he's trying to do that?

You almost sneered at the caravan holiday he takes them on...as if that's evidence that he's a bad dad Perhaps he just likes spending time with them? Having the sort of holiday he might have had before the windfall? Just because he could afford to take them to the Seychelles doesn't mean there isn't huge value for them in a caravan holiday in Skegness. Just like they'd still have a lovely life if you bought cheaper seats at the ballet! It's about building memories together, that's what makes a lovely childhood not all the material things and five star treatment. I think maybe your ex just has a better understanding of that than you do maybe. I'd actually be inclined to take a leaf out of his book!

It sounds like you are envious of his lifestyle and that you are slightly crap at budgeting.

With your income you should be managing fine. Obviously you're not going to be going to 5* hotels every other week, but hardly anyone is. I have a similar income to you and I don't do half the things you do in terms of leisure and social activities.

I'd be pleased that my children's father will be able to support them through university and give them a great start in life.

I think is ok, you are not being taken for a ride as your friend said. Of course he can be more generous with his kids, but that is for them to ask him. Like the bike or the concert tickets etc etc, soon will be a car or whatever.

You wrote "But he doesn't spend on them as lavishly on what he deems non-essentials as he does on himself and partner. That's where his mentality differs. He see's that he's spent x amount on his kids and thats a generous amount of money and providing for their basic needs. You're looking at it he should be giving them the same lifestyle that his money affords him and his partner whilst they are with him" - exactly this. Thank you.

so you gave him your share of this fortune cheaply? Why?? When you have dc to support? I think you need to not go into your overdraft, prioritise a pension sensibly, and that means you will need to tell him you can’t pay half of uniform or such and such a club. Would he really just dump the club? He must know you should be rich too.

It has nothing to do with other people, and what he's earning now really doesn't have anything to do with you. What he's paying for sounds appropriate, especially all of the expensive additions that you've mentioned, especially when you consider that he has them 50% of the time as well - so he's feeding, and providing for them 100% of the time basically. His g/f may have moved in but if she gave up a job to work in the business with him, she's basically paying her own way. It's not about setting the bar low, its about being fair. If you are struggling or thinking about money on £53k plus another £1000 a month tax free, while only having your DC 50% of the time, perhaps you need to look at your spending.

Knock the weekly takeaways on the head - they're terribly unhealthy.

It's good he doesn't spoil kids, they grow up not knowing the value of money, or how to work hard.

If your kids are teens they should be starting to look for summer jobs.

Nothing like a bit of a free ride eh?

Your friend/relative is wrong; don't allow them to get into your head and potentially stir things up with your exH.

He became wealthy after the divorce. He is generous and everyone is happy so that's all.

Maybe maybe. It's hard to disentangle. Thank you.

I'm def not jealous of his lifestyle for myself - i.e. I'm not thinking I should be going to a spa every other weekend (or ever!) on his money. But he provides luxury for his new DP and her young kid, and not for his own, real children. I'm not saying he should be providing luxury for them, they're kids after all. But the disparity of treatment hurts.

I wonder if you’ve fallen into the trap of providing everything for your kids while putting yourself on the back burner? Gym membership and weekly takeaway is fine if that’s what you want to do, but I wonder how much you do to keep up with their dad? If you’re spending on ballet trips etc you’ve clearly got some disposable income - split some of that so that you too can have nice things.

I think working all the time, treating your kids and not prioritising yourself at all breeds resentment.

How much is the gym membership and how often does your daughter go? Also his partner gave up her job to work with him in the business, so she's pretty much paying for herself.

Who's riding for free?

But that’s just different views on parenting.

DH and I give ourselves many more luxuries than we do our kids. Our kids don’t want for anything but when DH and I go away alone together, we stay in 5 star hotels and fly business class. When we go as a family, we don’t. DH and I buy high end clothes for ourselves, kids get high street etc etc.

When the kids moan, we tell them that when they start earning good money, they’ll be able to afford luxuries themselves.

But it sounds as though he already provides quite a few luxuries for the kids anyway.

You have an amicable coparenting relationship, and your needs are met. I wouldn’t pursue more, because you could very easily end up losing far more than you would potentially gain. He’s in a position where he could, if he were so inclined, find ways to reduce his income to below the amount where he would be liable to pay any maintenance at 50/50 shared care. He could also ask the children to move in with him for the majority of the time. If you want more then you’d be better served by simply asking him, than you would be by pursuing it legally.

Remember that friends can advise poorly, unintentionally or on purpose. You’re in what many would consider to be an enviable position, and there will be those that will resent that and want to ruin it for you. I’m not saying that this applies to your friend, but it is wise to be cautious.

This is a very good question. There were reasons why I felt guilty (no, I didn't have an affair or anything like that). I was in a relationship with someone who bought me a house - yes, a whole house, for cash, while my ex DP was still renting at that time, and I felt very guilty. I didn't feel I had the right to ask for anything when he was still trying to save for a house himself. I wanted my children to have two stable homes (i.e. permanent houses, not at mercy of landlords) more than I wanted to have a forever share of the business. And I really struggled with the guilt of having accepted such a generous gift from someone else.
I also thought I would be with this other person forever. It turns out, I'm not (we split up just months after the house was bought, actually - long story that should go into some kind of book! I'd happily write the book myself but I signed a non disclosure agreement, in return for keeping half of the house value. I took out a mortgage to repay what was agreed).

It's been a very strange life, yes!

Hi OP.. sounds like you have it very organised.

I wasn't being critical about your overdraft itself, they are useful... just felt that it impacts on how much you are able to put into savings and I think (and I've done this myself at times) that they often get forgotten in all the adding up of immediate costs...
And yet they are a cost like any other - just a long term one that we won't see the benefit of for quite a while.

It's your safety net for DC or job emergencies and for when you are older. So although you have made provision, I think in some ways the impact on savings due to trying to give your DC a good life, can be seen to be unequal..ie It won't impact his personal savings perhaps, but it will impact yours much more visibly.

I think someone suggested asking if he could set up some savings for the DC ( as he might have done whilst you were still together) Maybe that could be explored in a future plans kind of way.
But as I said before, its delicate ground to tread, so it would bear research.

Yes there will be tax optimisation strategies OP, but these will likely mean that a lot if his assets are tied up in longer term vehicles (inc. invested overseas).

But maybe try to look at this as money for you DC future. I'm sure he'll make provision for them when they need it, if he can.,

I agree! Bikes and concert tickets are luxuries.

Your financial position is very healthy so it feels most unreasonable - and unwise - to seek more.
Don't compare your income with his as you'll always come off worse. You have a very nice lifestyle from the sound of it. Think about reducing some of your expenses if you genuinely worry. London dinners and shows are beyond the means of many.
Your kids will grow up and realise that Dad may buy the luxuries but there's more to being a good parent than that.