AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

[Writer034]

This is a money one (apologies for length, I don't want to drip feed). I'd really like some thoughts around whether my ex DH is doing enough. I usually think he is, but there's someone in my life who thinks he's really not, and sometimes I feel conflicted.

I split up with ex DH in 2017, we share DD (15) and DS (13) on a 50/50 basis. Since the split, my ex DH has been paying £500pm in child support, which about 6 months ago was increased to £600pm to account for cost of living increase.

(I realise some will say 50/50 should mean no child support, but I have actually sought legal advice on this and apparently this isn't necessarily true. If you want to know more about what I was adviced, drop me a DM)

There were no assets to divide at the time of the divorce. We didn't use solicitors, there is no maintenance, only this - completely voluntary - child support. When we did consent order for finances, for reasons I won't go into I didn't seek legal advice and I didn't ask anything from him, he has a small pension from having been in the army for 6 years when he was young, and a business which we started and ran for some years together, but realistically it only became really profitable in 2021. I didn't ask for anything, only for child support to continue. His business has for at least 2-3 years now been bringing about £350k per annum (and the two years before that definitely over £100k). He drives a Porche, has now bought a nice detached house for 450k, etc. Takes his new DP to 5* spa hotels every other weekend so I know money is abundant his end. I earn £53k in my main job and have for the last few years earned £7-10k on top from some additional work; I also receive Child Benefit (I had to pay some of that back, when I went over the threshold, although now threshold is £60k and I've dropped my extra work because, on 40% tax, it's not really worth it)

On top of this £600pm, ex DH pays £180 per month for the coach my DD takes to school (it's a grammer school in another town with its own transport), a few expensive things for the DC (my DS got a £900 mountain bike as this is his passion, my DD got some £750 concert tickets (don't ask!!!!), she's also got two school trips - one ski trip £1500 and one to the US costing over £2500, he has paid / is paying for all of that). Also, DD has recently needed some physio so he's paying £80 per appointment. He paid for one year of her having a tutor to help her get into grammar school, I think that was £50 per week.

He is more or less funding my son's expensive mountain biking hobby which has a lot of costs associated with it.

We usually split birthdays and Xmas presents. He will usually contribute something towards school uniforms. At times he has contributed a bit towards their clothing like winter jackets. He gives them each £25pm pocket money.

I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that. I realise that between us the kids have a good life (believe it or not, my kids are still just about average, in schools they go to).

The issue is this: with all that he does which might sound generous, ex DH probably still contributes a maximum of around £1000 per month in total, against his income of £30,000 per month, and the fact he definitely spends more on his romantic life in a month than he does on his DC.

Is 1/30th of your income, towards your kids, enough?

I know some men pay nothing, but I also know some women whose ex DH earn well and the women don't even have a job, they get maintenance of £5k a month or more, whereas I work full time (and have for a few years had extra work on the side, for purely financial reasons). I'm not saying I would want to not work. I'm just wondering, prompted by this friend of mine, whether my ex should be paying more. (The CMS calculation, by the way, would only work for half of his income, it doesn't go above that. I could go to court, but absolutely don't want to do that, it would ruin so many other things.)

Please tell me how you'd feel, if this was you. Would you feel fortunate, or not quite?

The thing I’m stuck on is unless he’s operating cash in hand, or doing some easily detected tax fraud that’s going to get him in serious trouble, if his pre-tax profit is £350k he’ll be paying 25% corporation tax on that amount, 40% tax on everything left in up to £100k, then effective 60% tax on everything over that. What tax shelter is he using that means you know he’s paying under 40% tax?

I think the assumption that he’s earning £30k a month is a seriously over exaggerated, for what it’s worth. Even if he pays her a big salary as a business cost, he’ll be paying about £70k corporation tax. After personal tax his take home is more like £120k Net. If he’s using her allowance too by paying her then as a household they could have about £190k available net to fund their lifestyle (but his take home more like £12000 per month, way lower than you estimate).

It was just what he told me - he said he is earning £30k pm, I’ve never seen his books. I do know some people who are in the same business who earn even more so I didn’t think it’s unreasonable, but I get what you mean about tax. Maybe I’m wrong.

Yes I’m the one with the jungle trip coming up. Thanks for writing. If I lived in London (i used to) we would struggle a lot more tbh

Yes I have seen that tragic story.

I was just telling you the information I’ve been given historically.

I’m glad I didn’t act on it, given how that other woman ended up.

Your ex bought you a house and you dumped him a few months later? 🤯

I think you need to learn to cut your cloth and stop relying on men financially

What do they do? A business with no overheads but that kind of upside is wild.

OP this is about equitable lives when the DC are with you. It does not sound like you are struggling or they are not sufficiently provided for when they are with you. When my DP divorced he gave more capital to his ex so she could buy a house outright, and to create an equitable lifestyle for his DS across both parties (also 50/50) and yes paid maintenance as she was a lower earner. He will hopefully be planning for uni fees, maybe house deposits for them longer term and maybe have that conversation about providing for them longer term but I would not be asking for more money right now.

Honestly I think you are very lucky he pays so much considering 50/50

you mention paying for dentists - this should be free for kids ?

stop the takeaway each week if you want to or do once a month

def suggest he put some money into isa/premium bonds/saving for uni for the kids

he is not there to fund your lifestyle

you mention going into your overdraft - but have savings - I would take a small amount out to have as a buffer /so not in overdraft each month

I don’t have one as once in it hard to get out as use it, pay it back when get paid so at end of month you are low again and back in it

and repeat

As others have already said, I think future university expenses should be your main concern.

Despite having been gifted a house, I think it was a poor decision to entirely give up your share of the business. You assuaged your own feelings of guilt and did it to preserve a view of yourself as ‘not materialistic’ but forwent a long term income stream from which your children could have benefited. Why not just reduce your share to twenty or even ten per cent, rather than giving it up entirely? But you are where you are…

It is also fairly clear that you do like things which cost money. Because money doesn’t just mean flashy sports cars, bling, perfume or gambling in casinos, it can equally mean ballet, musical instruments, art or giving generously to charity. If it costs money to do, it is ‘material’, no matter how worthy it is. I say this with the complete honesty that it took me a very long time to realise that myself!

I suspect that you will achieve far more by asking reasonably for something future related rather than a critique of current lifestyles and, if necessary, appealing to his ego.

If only the story was as simple as what you've just written...

No NHS dentists around here, ever, unfortunately.

That's such an interesting point, and I've not looked at it that way before. Because i'm not interested in designer handbags or accumulating any kind of unnecessary possessions, especially something where the chief value is to signal status, I don't think of myself as materialistic.
I do value art and culture highly and have tried to give to my children "cultural capital" (in absence of financial capital). I suppose I think those thing should be accessible to everyone, but I appreciate they're not.

Lol :-) My post literally said, in the opening line, that it would be about money, so I don't see how it then can bother you that it ended up being....about money.

If you didn't want to read about money, you know you could have just scrolled on?

Morning, I just want to thank everyone who's taken the time to reply. There's been a lot of really good, helpful, insightful exchange. I feel much better about my situation and will leave it alone, finances wise.

I don’t understand what you mean, feel better about your situation. You’re responsible for your kids 50 percent of the time, this means 50 percent of the costs, you’re an equal parent. You are divorced. How much he has, how he spends it is none of your business, and he already supports you to provide for the children in your 50 percent and quite extensively.

putting your hand out for more as he’s now wealthy is an awful thought. Yoire divorced you’ve no entitlement to his money.

Id be fuming if I were the new wife!

Thank you for positively understanding the intention of my
point.

In fairness, in the past, it was very possible to freely embrace ‘high’ culture, give your children cultural capital and yet also eschew a money-driven lifestyle. The arts were subsidised, universities were free, there was an assisted places scheme, housing was affordable and lifestyles were generously buffered by public services. That was as recently as the early nineties, not the dim and distant past.

My own parents were always very scathing of those who were money driven or ‘flashy’, always implying that there were higher things to consider. But I am not sure it did me or my siblings any favours. I live a nice lifestyle and access plenty of cultural capital but I can do so only simply because my DH is a high earner, not because I am more discerning or appreciative than someone who can’t pay the ticket prices or book the flights. My siblings, not so much.

So perhaps try to unpick some of those emotions of guilt or shame around money? It might also be worth looking into restarting your side hustle, perhaps forming it as a limited company this time?

Hm, thank you. I don’t know that it’s necessarily guilt or shame, but I will think about this. I don’t like walking around with unexamined attitudes. Thanks for your contributions to this discussion!

The fairness element perhaps stems from adjusting to his recent business success op. If he was struggling to manage you wouldn’t feel this way. There is maybe a small part of you that feels he should be sharing more of his wealth, even though you know he isn’t obliged to.

I would consider having some counselling, as something about your posts feels unresolved.

Maybe you couldn’t afford nice weekends away when you were together, and you did most of the hard work (you were building towards your future) but now it must look like he is living the high life (very galling) it feels unfair.

You could hire a private financial investigator if you feel he has hidden money from you - maybe the legal advice would change with different information..

Alternatively you could say you need a little bit extra to cover the increase in the cost of living - and spend a little more on your own self care so it feels ‘fairer’ to you and more balanced.